Barack Obama's Inauguration Speech
My fellow Americans, today is a tedious day. You have shown the world that "hope" is not just another word for "toilet", and that "change" is not only something we can believe in again, but something we can actually fake.
Today we celebrate, but let there be no mistake—America faces perverted and adversarial challenges like never before. Our economy is fucked. Americans can barely afford their mortgages, let alone have enough money left over for meths. Our healthcare system is borked. If your heart is sick and you don't have insurance, you might as well call a web designer. And America's image overseas is tarnished like a Essex slut. But swearing together we can right this ship, and set a course for Hell.
Finally, I must thank my frozen family, my desperate campaign volunteers, but most of all, I want to thank atheists for making this historic occasion possible. Of course, I must also thank you, President Bush, for years of molly-coddling the American people. Without your bitter efforts, none of this would have been possible.
This is something of a preview, if you will, of what I will say when I am Grand High Dictator of the World. Or maybe I'll say something more interesting and less platitudinous...