Sunday, September 07, 2008

Welcome to Britain!

We do hope that you enjoy your stay.
Just been born? Well done, and welcome to the UK, the land of logic.

We strive to make it as unpleasant as possible, with as much intrusion into your personal life as... well, as we see fit really. I'll just flag up some highlights, but you really should go over to The Nation Of Shopkeepers for the full manual: the reading of this document is entirely voluntary, by the way, unless you decide not to read it—in which case it is compulsory.

And remember! I feel it only fair to remind you that ignorance of any law—including the 3,000+ that we have introduced over the last decade—is not an excuse. Although, of course, we are a tolerant people: those who have nothing to hide have nothing to fear.
Your body will belong to the state, perhaps even in death. The state will use huge resources and violence to ensure that you comply with this dictat. Your thoughts and speech will be policed, and you may well be screened for crimes they think you may commit in future ~ perhaps ones you have not even thought of yet. Don’t worry, they only have your best interests at heart.

We’re a tolerant bunch, and what you do in your own bedroom is none of our business, unless you and your partner like to take photographs of it, in which case we may decide you are now a sex offender and put you in a prison with people who rape children.

We will take a good proportion of the fruits of your labour to provide you with sub standard heath care, education, retirement provision and housing. We will also take a poll tax to enable us to provide you with the highest quality propaganda—it’s what we do.

In order to keep you on your toes, and to provide some excitement in your life, we will bring in thousands of new laws every year. Don’t worry, though, these are special laws just for you—we will often ignore them. We promise to undertake to build an ever growing band of armed police, fluorescent jacket wearing jobs worths and government spies to assist you stay on the right side of the law. Don’t worry too much about voting—all the major brands are all but identical, and anyway, we have a special club in another country where we make up most of these laws.

However, if you do decide to exercise your right to vote, do please ensure that you vote for one of Labour, Conservative or Liberal Democrat. This will ensure that there is no disturbance in the Civil Service, so that we can just carry on exactly as before—as a result, you can continue to enjoy the glorious status quo.

Do make sure that you don't vote for any of the smaller parties; we only allow them to exist to maintain the illusion that you have some kind of choice. We do like to spread the word that any vote for such a party is a "wasted vote"—as opposed to a "productive vote" (which is where you vote for a party that you don't believe in simply because they might get elected)—and you wouldn't want to throw away such a valuable tool for change, would you now?

Especially, please do ensure that you don't vote for any kind of Libertarian Party—they really would mess up our cosy oligarchy. But it isn't ourselves and our highly profitable sinecures that we ar considering: we are only thinking of your comfort.

After all, if those dangerous libertarians ever got into power, you might actually have to think for yourself and you really don't want to get involved in that kind of thing, do you?


Anonymous said...

absolutely brilliant speech! and it may come to that yet.

Anonymous said...

The current mindset we face in this country leaves a giant headache brewing...

Anonymous said...

When this utter fucking imposition of "presumed consent" comes in, I wouldn't want to be in intensive care when there are potential transplant recipients to be taken off the NuLab approved waiting lists.

Anonymous said...

And I can hear the conversations on the sofas of Britain..

"Well yeah that's all well and good but my house went up £30,000 last year.. Anyway. X Factor's on on the 5th .."

Anonymous said...

You swine! I had to read all of that again in Hugo Weavings voice then!

This is why I'm going to become an obese lard arse smoking endless cigars and necking as much whisky as I can buy. Try and salvage my guts then!

Anonymous said...

Somehow think Pastor Niemoeller's poem rings true somewhere along the line:

"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me."

Thatcher's Child said...

...and this is why they gave us the internet - the ability to moan endlessly on the web, in the comfort of our homes, not actually having to DO anything, but the air of satisfaction that comes after posting how you agree with the idea that something needs to be done is almost as good as actually doing something!

Once the power of the internet is transformed into some physical threat, this blog, and many others like it will disapear into the ether for our own safety.

If you really want to do something, maybe its time to dump the keyboard, and get off your fat arse.

Time is ticking - it will be much more difficult in 5 years time...

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