Condolences to the Belgians, who shame us all by winning the annual Softie Award for cancelling new year.
My Mum begged me not to go to Edinburgh's new year celebrations in 2003, because the police thought terrorists would attack us. As it turned out, the entire plot was utter bullshit and I was attacked instead by a six-foot-four-tall Glaswegian whose deranged girlfriend mistakenly believed I was selling drugs.
So my message this new year must be, don't worry about crazy Islamists - they're highly unlikely to attack us on any given day.
Mental Glaswegians, however, will try to smash your face in on the slightest pretext, and should be shot on sight.
So that's where John Smeaton got to...