Friday, August 31, 2007

Seriously, Jamie Oliver is a Complete Cunt

Two of my pet peeves are bad journalism and Jamie arsing Oliver. So when the two combine together to form an unholy alliance in the pages of The Daily Telegraph, it presents an irresistible target for me. So let’s take a look at the unseemly image of the Telegraph sucking at the proverbial cock of that Mockney Cunt.
"It's said that, by the age of 30, Alexander the Great had conquered the known world. Jamie Oliver, at only two years older, has conquered the hearts - and stomachs - of a nation."
That’s right, we begin with an audacious comparison – Jamie Oliver, a shit chef with terrible taste in music and all the political awareness of, well, Ming Campbell, is mentioned in the same sentence as Alexander the Great. And why? Because a few people in the nation have brought the twat’s cook books or tuned into his nauseating TV shows. In short, Alexander the Great conquered the known world, Jamie Oliver (with an extra two years on young Alexander) has become a C-list celebrity. It is difficult to think of anyone less like Alexander the Great than Jamie arsing Oliver.

"Although his estimated fortune, at £25 million, is less than half that of his rival Gordon Ramsay's, the Golden Boy's influence extends far further, reaching beyond the kitchen to public service, politics and beyond."
So Gordon Ramsay is more wealthy than Oliver? Who can we compare him to? Jesus fucking Christ?

"Not bad for the dyslexic son of a publican from Essex. Oliver started working in his parents' pub at five, washing out the bins, and by eight he had his own chef's knife and could "chop like a bitch"."
Bet that is on his CV, too: "I can chop like a bitch."

"He left school with two GCSEs and enrolled at Westminster catering college in London. Once he'd completed the course, a brief stint in France was followed by a job at Antonio Carluccio's Neal Street Restaurant, and then at the River Café with Ruth Rogers and Rose Gray."
And what a CV he has too! Two GCSEs! Catering college! Working in a restaurant! No wonder he is a millionaire with a CV that is so unique!

"It was here that his big chance came. He covered for a sick chef on his day off, and was filmed by a camera crew who were making a programme on the River Café.
The morning after the show was broadcast, the phone at the River Café rang off the hook, but it wasn't a reservation the callers were after. It was Oliver. Television producers were falling over themselves to sign up the boy-chef and his palpable charisma on camera. According to Pat Llewellyn of Optomen Television, the company that Oliver finally chose, "he shone out like a beacon"."
Fuck me, well if Pat Llewellyn of Optomen Television thinks he’s good, then he must be good. Seriously, though, who the frigging hell is Pat, and why should we give a flying fuck about what he thinks?

"Oliver's first series, The Naked Chef, broadcast in 1998, captured his natural enthusiasm for food while cunningly weaving the cooking into a story about his life in a trendy flat (rented by Optomen for Jamie) with good looking, lively friends. The message was, cook like Jamie and you too could be sitting at a designer dining table surrounded by cool dudes and good looking girls."
Funny, that. The message I took from the show was that if I was ever forced, presumably under the shadow of some sort of horrific and painful death, to eat with Jamie as his astonishingly annoying friends, I would probably end up stabbing them all in the eyes with a fork whilst screaming like a demented banshee. Guess this just shows how different people have different interpretations.

"The reason for the show's phenomenal success, however, was to do with Oliver himself rather than lifestyle statements. Although he was nervous of the camera, to the extent that Llewellyn was forced to throw him questions during filming, a quirk that became a trademark of the series, he made compelling viewing. His cooking was fun, sexy and no longer the effeminate preserve of Delia and Nigella."
I’d say Nigella, and even Delia, are a damn sight more sexy that Oliver. And the success of the show may be down to something a tad more prosaic than Oliver’s personality – perhaps it was blind luck.
"He has a laddish turn of phrase, describing borlotti beans as the "Aston Martin of beans" and slicing potatoes "beermat" thick, which persuaded a generation of men to turn off the football and make supper for their girlfriends. Those girlfriends cooked from Oliver's books, too, attracted perhaps by their simplicity and light style. Soon it seemed that everyone was throwing together a "Jamie" for dinner."
There you have it. You can be successful simply by talking like a cunt.

And how patronising and cliched is this article? All men are sat at home, watching football, and not cooking until the miracle that is Jamie Oliver comes along. Erm, no – I’m talking from personal experience here, but I never watch the football and still can’t really cook – and seeing that total shithead Oliver on the television makes me less likely to cook.
"But in 2000 the tide turned. Oliver accepted a lucrative deal to be the face of Sainsbury's, and it proved a poisoned chalice. His presence became ubiquitous. You couldn't sit down to an episode of Coronation Street without being exhorted by the cheeky foodie to buy buffalo mozzarella or lemon thyme."
This maybe one of the reasons why I hate Oliver so much. I was working for Sainsbury’s at the time this Mockney Cunt was made the face of the organisation. The company was going downhill, bonuses weren’t being paid, but still the Board was forking out millions to Oliver for an atrocious ad campaign. I know it was Sainsbury’s choice to do so, but Oliver still accepted the deal. But still couldn’t bring his family to shop in the Supermarket chain he represented.
"The BBC dropped Oliver, and the press turned on him, calling him a "fake", a "mockney", and even describing his style as "Benny from Crossroads does cooking". Clarissa Dickson Wright, another outspoken television cook, branded him a "whore" for promoting the supermarket's farmed salmon. Then he was ranked 28 in Channel 4's poll of 100 Worst Britons. It looked like the Jamie phenomenon was over."
In truth, "Benny from Crossroads does cooking" did make me laugh. But it probably goes without saying at this stage that I would have rated Oliver higher in my list of the 100 Worst Britons. Not Number One, you understand – not with the likes of Simon Hughes still in the national eye. But most probably in the Top Five.
"Cannily, he had already moved on. His plan to give 15 troubled young people a second chance by training them as chefs was taking shape, and this time his own production company, Fresh One Productions, was filming the story. The BBC turned it down, a decision they were doomed to regret, and Jamie's Kitchen aired on Channel 4."
Was it really him being canny that meant he had moved on? Or the fact that he had no fucking choice as the BBC had dropped him like a shitty stick?
"It quickly became the most talked about show in town. Oliver was a revelation. The 26-year-old showed patience and perseverance far beyond his years, combined with a real understanding and empathy for the mismatched, dysfunctional youths on his team."
If we want to praise people for showing "understanding and empathy" for "mismatched, dysfunctional youths" perhaps we could praise, I don’t know, social workers or psychotherapists, who often do their work for little more than the minimum wage plus tips. Rather than a poorly educated fucktard who is deigning to interact with just 15 dysfunctional youths simply to advance his floundering career in the limelight.
"When we wanted to knock some of the ungrateful trainees' heads together, Oliver would sigh, sit down and talk it over with them, looking for a solution, again and again. The cynical tried their best to expose him as a fake, the operation as a cheat and a scam. But, fittingly for the man who has endorsed a whole range of Teflon pans, none of the mud would stick. Oliver was once again a national hero."
Of course, I would never dream of questioning the motives of Saint Jamie, but perhaps he was patient because that made for better TV. After all, Jamie’s Kitchen would have been a much shorter programme if he had told them all to go and fuck themselves in Episode One. Maybe there is something philanthropic in the results of what Oliver did, but I think you also have to concede that he gained a lot himself from that apparent philanthropy.
"Oliver's campaigning streak found further outlet in his next project, improving the lamentably poor school dinners in this country. This time he combined grassroots action (sorting out the meals in Kidbrooke School, Greenwich) with big guns. He met with the then Prime Minister, Tony Blair, and the Essex chef's straight talking impressed him so much that he pledged an extra £280 million over three years to raise the standard of school dinners."
No, what really impressed Blair was the chance to jump on a populist bandwagon at the taxpayer’s expense.

"When the show, School Dinners, aired in 2005, Oliver's battle with the obtuse nature of government bureaucracy, both on a local and national level, was as fascinating to watch as his struggle to persuade the children to eat his homemade food. Few parents can have failed to empathise."
It is very telling of the simplistic outlook of Mr Oliver that he thinks by restricting the choices available to people, he will fundamentally change their behaviour. Because kids won’t go looking for junk food outside of school if they can’t get it in school. Perhaps this is another reason why he got on so well with the uber fascist, Tony Blair. The message from School Dinners is "you don’t have a right to choose. Me, Jamie Oliver, is going to make the choice for you."
"What makes Jamie Oliver such a heart-warming figure is that he stands up for core values, for home-cooking, decent food and proper parenting. Sometimes that seems reactionary: he's said to have wanted his wife Jools to stay at home and look after the children, an attitude that would have had the feminists of a decade ago foaming at the mouth."
I’d imagine that attitude would still have a lot of feminists foaming at the mouth. And again, this hero worship of Oliver for standing up for "home-cooking, decent food and proper parenting" is utterly misplaced – because he really isn’t alone in standing up for those things. In fact, pretty much the whole of Middle England stands for the same things.
"His rigidity over healthy school dinners led to a few parents handing takeaways over the school fence to their burger-deprived children."
I don’t know, maybe those parents felt aggravated that they were being patronised by a TV chef with two GCSEs and a course at Westminster catering college. I know I would have been.
"The same people were probably incensed when he branded as "idiots" parents who put fizzy drinks and crisps into children's lunchboxes. But most of us think he's right, and applaud him for his bravery in speaking up."
Yep, I would have been incensed by that too. Because, as my erstwhile colleague and friend the Moai constantly and rightly points out to me, it is far fucking easier for Jamie Oliver to spend the time and money on getting his kids to eat healthily with a vast fucking fortune behind him and a stay-at-home wife. Maybe a lot of people were incensed by Oliver’s comments because they showed him to be an ignorant cunt with no understanding of the real world.
"True, he's no angel. His language is sometimes colourful, but he generally gets away with it, as he seems to be swearing because he cares, rather than because he's throwing a Gordon Ramsay-style tantrum. He won't put on a tie, and his habit of wearing trainers with a suit may shock old-schoolers, although it did inspire the outfit of the current super-cool Dr Who."
That’s Doctor Who, not Dr Who. And FYI, Telegraph, if you are going to make a point of Oliver not wearing tie, it is probably better not to have a picture of him wearing a tie attached to the fucking article. Small points, I know, but worth bearing in mind.
"His youth, of course, is enormously appealing. He's the nation's favourite son, husband, father. Those televised rows with Jools on Jamie's Kitchen served only to make him more normal, like one of us, and he is conspicuously a family man.
In that sense he has much in common with David Beckham, but whereas Beckham is fumbling and inarticulate off the pitch, Oliver is a communicator who's prepared to fight for what he believes in, including the disadvantaged. He's the antidote to another contemporary, musician and hellraiser Pete Doherty. By contrast, Oliver, universally liked and admired by his peers, is proof that hard work and clean living can reap rewards."
So we should admire Oliver because he is not an ignorant fuckwit like Beckham or a junkie scumbag like Peter Doherty? Ok, but doesn’t that mean we should admire pretty much everyone else in the fucking country other than the two dickheads cited in this shit stain of an article?
"While I admire Jamie the campaigner, I love Jamie the cook, and it's a relief to see him back in the kitchen with Jamie at Home. Jamie is clearly at home in a lot of places: the programme will air in 14 countries to satisfy his global army of fans. This popularity is well deserved. He's got new verve and confidence in front of the camera, and his talk has matured from the onamatopeic language of his twenties, peppered with words such as "pukka" and "doollally" and "bish bash bosh"."
So now he has hit his thirties, he has stopped talking like a twat. Fuck-a-doodle-do. Go Jamie!
"While there's a geekiness about his weird gyrating and hand gestures, it's in a cool, unselfconscious way. The new recipes focus on the produce from his garden, most recently the very British runner bean, and take his already well established interest in fresh, local ingredients to a new level. His recipes are among the best out there, and unlike those of some other famous chefs, they are reliable, and often utterly delicious.
Alexander the Great move over. It's the age of Jamie the Great."
And we come full circle – a Mockney Cunt TV chef is again compared to Alexander the Great. Jesus H Christ, doesn’t The Daily Telegraph have an editor to watch out for this sort of mindless hyperbole?

I know, I know, my hatred of Oliver far outstrips his actual impact on my life. And in fairness, I would also jump at the opportunity if someone gave me the chance to become a multi-millionaire for little more than being irritating on a cosmic scale on TV. But it is more what Oliver stands for that disgusts me. And I will keep in banging on about Oliver and his utterly undeserved success, because it sums up quite nicely why this country is so compellingly fucked. If we lived in a true meritocracy, Oliver would be flipping burgers in McDonalds. Not being lauded in a broadsheet newspaper whilst enjoying a millionaire lifestyle.

And go read this article for a more accurate representation of Oliver than the one in the Telegraph.


Twenty Major said...

Brooker is a funny cunt.

Oliver is just hideous.

Alfie said...

Oliver - a pukka fukka.

Alexander the Great - a bit of a big head.

Edwin Hesselthwite said...

You make me laugh

Fidothedog said...

Alexander died just one month short of his 33rd year.

We can but hope that Oliver also shuffles off to meet his maker as quickly.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant fisk, DK!

Devil's Kitchen said...


I find Oliver mildly irritating, rather than anything else, and he would certainly not have made my Top 100 Worst Britons -- not with 646 MPs and Polly fucking Toynbee to choose from.

"Maybe there is something philanthropic in the results of what Oliver did, but I think you also have to concede that he gained a lot himself from that apparent philanthropy."

Might this not be a classic example of the "invisible hand"? Of Adam Smith's "enlightened self-interest"...?

I applaud your rage though!


The Nameless Libertarian said...


I agree - my rage against Oliver is irrational when you consider the mendacious cunt bags who claim to run this country. And certainly, there is some sort of self-interest in almost all philanthropy. However I will keep on banging the anti-Oliver drum whenever possible, just as I would like to bang his head into the piss stained concrete of the streets of London until he chokes to death on his unfeasibly fat tongue.

I think I need to have a beer.


Edwin Hesselthwite said...

Bloody Hell, I've been hanging around on this blog for best part of 6 months... And I only just spotted the links...

You're Gronk's brother, Mr Devil.

I'll mention that to you at some point.

Croydonian said...

You are a brave man for wading through that festival of fundament licking.

I turned the page at speed with my customary muttering of 'wanker' that accompanies his every appearance.

flyingrodent said...

Not only did Alexander die at a young age, he shat himself to death with appalling dysintery.

Not that I would wish such a fate on Jamie Oliver, of course.

Anonymous said...

"which gave despicable 4x4-driving parents something to feel all superior about"

What? Is TMO exempt from the DK line about global warming?

Devil's Kitchen said...


Any contributors here are absolutely allowed to hold their own opinions. They may be wrong but, hey!, if everyone agreed with me it would be a bit boring (it would be a better place to live, but there you go).


Do you know Gronk? Have you recently visited his new site? There are over 100 songs to download...


Edwin Hesselthwite said...


Let's just say there was a multiple week period when I couldn't get into my living room because of a huge pile of crap Carnival left there.

I've seen them play The Terminator Theme(in, might I add, the wrong time signature) more times than I can count.


Fidothedog said...

Flying rodent, having sat through a program of Olivers(at someone elses house and not being in possession of the remote to turn the cunt off the tv) and been bored shitless the whole time I think that I would wish it on him.

May his body pass through his rectum, slowly and painfully.

Anonymous said...

Whatever the motivation Jamie has, is blaming him personally the answer? A product of society perhaps he is. Isn't he chasing what we're all taught to chase?

I learn from analysis of the ego most definately, and find myself inside, most I see. Your blog highlights this to me again so thank you.

What about the positive effects of Jamie's chasing of ego? The consumer's awareness of being, is being nibbled at. If it has opened up one person's mind to understand where the energy they are eating is derived from, the job is done. Our connection with earth is ignited.

His last two shows (school dinners and the latest one which includes how to grow your own fruit/vege at home/in the city) are highlighting things no one else has put energy into. Over processed food and pesticide / herbicide / GM riden crops are destroying the place in which we thrive upon. Surely putting awareness on these two issues is an important contribution to society, regardless of ego?

Which lead to greater thought?

Fidothedog said...

Anyone spotted this one in the Torygraph?

RobScott24 said...

Jamie Oliver is now safely where he belongs. In the Shitopedia.

The best place for him, I'm sure you'll agree.

Anonymous said...

man, you really are bitter! yes he acts like a twat, but i dont see much sign of anyone else trying to teach you brits how to cook real food (not just marks n sparks boil in the bag shite so popular overr there) and your lard arse kids that theres more to eating than chips. seriously, i dont know whats worse, that crappy tele article or this pissweak blog. TWAT.

Unknown said...

I thank you for your creative and ammusing post. I honestly think that you have a talent here, even if some may find it a little risque.

For my part I believe that the reason as to why Jamie (and anyone else for that matter) is famous is due to the passion that he has for his work. No one can doubt that. Granted, people's tastes differ-and thank goodness they do or else we'd all be choosing from the same menu of monotonous delights! But Jamie does have a genuine passion for the work that he does, for the food that he cooks, and for the desire to provide our children with a more nourishing meal than processed chicken in dinosaur's clothing.
Perhaps passion is Jamie's secret ingredient-not sundried tomatoes.


Anonymous said...

wow! someone is bitter! I record his show in America every week. I can't get enough of his creative and earthy style of cooking.

I just love it!

Anonymous said...

jealousy's a bitch eh! what a rant, this boy's a total fucking spanner. if i was jamie id hunt you down and kick your wee head in!!

total arse!

Anonymous said...

I too hate this short tongued CUNT and wonder by any chance if you had links to a site I saw 4 - 5 yers ago where people made up movie posters of the talentless maestro-there were hundreds of them but try as I might I cannot find them sadly.He must die.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this blog - I wish I could come up with a stronger word for him than cunt but I can't-cunt ,cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt - doesn't even come close !If I ever come across this cunt in the street I will kill him and happily do life for it !
The cunt killer.

Anonymous said...

How dare anyone call Jamie Oliver a cunt!!! Cunts are far more useful!!!

Gandhi said...

'onamatopeic'? The poor journo has tried really hard, done a total brain-dump on that article in a bid to look clever (as they do). Alexander the Great? Well done, yes he's from history isn't he? Unfortunately the very clever and obscure word you were looking for was ONOMATOPOEIC! If you're going to be really pompous, you could at least use the bloody spell-check.

Anonymous said...

Trolling for trolling's sake and not very good at it. I thought you brits were supposed to be better at this sort of thing. Anne Coutler with an accent (you have the pair of balls to match, I'm sure).

Put 'em up to tear 'em down, isn't that how it goes? Don't you guys across the pond ever get tired of that-- or does that just happen when they accidentally Di... oops!

Ponsenbysmith said...

Read Confessios of an advertising man if you mwant to know about Sir jamie

Ponsenbysmith said...

I have read your interesting comments Mr Smith.This is my actual comment. Read "Confessions of an Advertising Man" Please stop impersonating me!

Anonymous said...

just relax!

Anonymous said...

Can't agree more...

Anonymous said...

I was watching his show the other day and he soaked three rump steaks in patak's curry paste. Even with my limited ability, at least I have taste, and I can tell that is fucking shit. His dishes show no presentation, just piles of chopped up leaf vegetables with olive oil added first, middle and last.

Bev said...

There was a funny cereal commercial a few years back, with someone pretending to be him. All the immitations (hand gesture's, etc.) were largely exaggerated but you could tell it was supposed to be Jamie Oliver. It was hilarious.

kershaw knives said...

He has his own style, but even with the sheer number of his detractors, he still continues to flaunt his craft.

Anonymous said...

Oliver gives the word MORON a bad name, just utterly hateful, a killer of everything tasteful, he should be tried for crimes against humanity.

If only he would spontaneously combust and do everyone a favour.

Anonymous said...

smells like jealousy to me....

Anonymous said...

Ah sour grapes. green ones i guess.

Cuntington Brown said...

Oliver is a mockney cunt. He advertised for Sainsburies, encouraged people to shop there and then the cunt refuses to shop there. DOUCHE bag. I also hate that crappy school idea....

Anonymous said...

hes a fat cunt these days

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