Mr Eugenides here with the news from north of the border.
By this time tomorrow Scotland could have a new government. Realistically, though, there will need to be protracted coalition negotations before a new administration can be formed. Whether it will be Labour- or SNP- led is the only variable in this equation: we already know that the Lib Dems will be bending over gleefully to take it where the sun don't shine, so it's only a question of whose hairy, sweaty arse ends up jackhammering away at their willing sphincters (and, by extension, our unwilling ones) for the next four years.
Recent polls, as you'll be aware, give the SNP a slender but nonetheless consistent lead over the pug-faced moron and his band of Labour dullards. One is tempted to recall Henry Kissinger's dictum on the Iran-Iraq war - "it's a pity they can't both lose" - but given the infinite capacity of my fellow Scots to elect lobotomised cuntwits like Terry Kelly time after time, it is perhaps asking a bit much for them to vote for real change, and it's clear that they don't plan to oblige anyway.
The only fly in the ointment is the Lib Dems' apparent refusal to countenance going in to coalition with the SNP if Salmond's mob insist on an independence referendum. Normally I'd suggest that by this time tomorrow they'll have dropped that proviso faster than a crack whore's drawers, but they do seem to have ruled it out, repeatedly and in terms. And Lib Dems don't lie, do they?
So we are faced with the prospect of the Lib Dems propping up a discredited Labour administration (whether it manages to win the most seats or not), or the SNP dropping its pledge to hold a referendum (which seems unthinkable), or either of those two trying to form a minority administration without formal coalition partners.
Now I know what all you Sassenachs are thinking: who gives a fuck? Well, you should. Never mind the potential breakup of the Union; serious as that is, there will be three years of boring articles, ill-researched columns and tedious TV discussions about that to sit through before the referendum (or referenda; because why shouldn't the rest of the citizens of the Union get a say in its future?). It's an argument for another day.
No, it matters because just as Gordon Brown becomes Prime Minister, his country may be about decisively to reject Labour, and elect in their place an administration dedicated to picking fights with him over every and any issue imaginable. Clunking fists will be no use; with the SNP bobbing to the left of him and the Tories weaving on the right, Gordo won't know which direction the next punch is coming from (and let's face it, his peripheral vision can't be the best). Alex Salmond is going to use every weapon at his disposal to make life uncomfortable for the one-eyed bandit and, much as I do not want to see the Union broken up, I am going to enjoy every damned minute of it.
In three years' time, far from an all-powerful Scottish cabal lording it over second-class English citizens as many of you seem to think, being a Scottish politician in Westminster could be the least fashionable thing in the entire world. And that'll be Broon fucked, Miliband in to replace him and another two decades of opposition for NerdLabour. At least that's how it plays out in my head.
But all this is contingent on the results of the election. I'll be liveblogging from about 11pm tonight as the people of Scotland line up to shit on Gordon Brown's chips, and I invite you all to join me.