So, how do we stop these corrupt, venal cocks from spending our money like water? It's really, really fucking simple: abolish MPs' expenses.
Milton and Rose Friedman described the four ways in which people spend money: in his book, All The Trouble in The World, P J O'Rourke summarised the theory.
- You spend your own money buying something for yourself—you therefore try to get the best possible product for the best possible price.
- You spend someone else's money buying something for yourself—you still try to get the best possible product, but you are not so concerned about the price.
- You spend your own money buying something for someone else—you are deeply concerned about the price, but you are not nearly so worried about the quality of the product.
- You spend someone else's money buying something for someone else—in which case, who gives a shit?
Spending money to put on expenses falls into Category 2 and so we, those who supply the money, get a shitty deal. Last year, our greedy fucking MPs spent an average of £130,000 in expenses (on top of their £60,000 salaries and their subsidised canteens and bars). Why the fuck should this be acceptable? How many people out there get to spend more than twice their salaries on the expenses of doing the job they were hired for? How many people out there get paid—on top of their salary—for getting to and from work every morning, eh? Precious fucking few, i would imagine: so why should we pay these cunts tens of thousands of pounds [PDF] to do so?
So, what I propose is this:
- MPs salaries to be raised to £160,000.
- All expenses abolished.
Once these travel expenses are coming out of their salaries (just as the rest of us have to do), we will see these fuckers spending considerably less on travel (and I would invest in companies that provide video conferencing infrastructure). You can also bet that those massive restaurant and br bills will drop faster than a fucking stone too.
These MP fucks seem utterly unable to correlate spending with responsibility; fine, you cunts. You have abused your perks and you are now going to lose them. And believe me, you shits, I'm coming after your "allowances" next; employ your relatives on your "staff allowances", will you? Claim maintenance expenses on houses that you pay nothing on, would you? Well, I'm fed to the back teeth of funding your profligacy and corruption; we taxpayers are tired of funding your corruption and lies.
So, my further proposal is that we closely monitor MPs' allowance spending. If they have employed a member of their family or household, they had better be able to prove that not only was the job advertised openly, but also that the family member was better qualified than anyone else who applied. And these corrupt fucks had better be able to provide mortgage or rent statements for homes and constituency offices.
And these measures will not be "guidelines", to be monitored by some ball-less whip, or ineffectual scrote commissioner: break these fucking rules and the police come down on you. You will be tried in a criminal court for corruption, misuse of public funds and treason; if found guilty, you will be sent down and assigned a big cellmate who will get extra cigarettes every time that he bends you over and fucks you in the showers.
Then you will know what it feels like to have a criminal shafting you; then you will know what we taxpayers feel when we see your profligacy. And then, finally, you will wish you'd never been born: or, rather, you will wish that you hadn't decided to hire your 8 year old daughter to be your "press officer".
My hatred and contempt for you, our elected representatives, really know no bounds. Fuck you.