Thursday, November 30, 2006

Petitioning our master

Sign the petition for left-handers' rights!A couple of days ago, I joked about starting a petition asking the Prime Minister to apologise for the oppression of, and discrimination against, left-handed people. This evening, I thought, "sod it!" and submitted the following.
We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to end the stigmatisation of, and material discrimination against, left-handed people.

Deadline to sign up by: 1 March 2007

Category: Health, well-being and care

More details:
For hundreds of years, left-handed people have been stigmatised and repressed—often on the grounds of a religious association of the left with evil (hence the derivation of the word 'sinister' which, in Latin, means simply 'left')—by the right-handed majority.

Further, this oppression continues today, albeit in a less overt way. According to Wikipedia: "Left-handed people are placed at a constant disadvantage by society. Nearly all tools and devices are designed to be comfortably used with the right hand."

We, the undersigned, call upon the government to apologise for this continued oppression and to legislate to end the discrimination—particularly in the manufacture of tools—that causes thousands of needless injuries to left-handed people every year.

Heh. Let's see if it gets approved...

UPDATE: Ho ho! It has been approved (after I removed the reference to Wikipedia: apparently I was "attempting to market a product irrelevent to the role and office of the PM"). Come my sinister brethren, rise up and sign for your rights!


chris said...

It won't, far to sinister.

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Yes and I am always bumping into people in the street. Tony Blair is a bastard.

Anonymous said...

Well, I've signed it. Not that I'm left-handed: it's more a question of attitude than chirality. Some poor bugger will have to read it and so it's a minor victory: the first time anyone in government has done anything because of me.

Now if only the other malcontents who read this blog would get off their arses we might have some fun with it...

Anonymous said...

And what about the ambidextrous amongst us? Seen as a sinister cabal thought to abuse tools made specifically for either the right- or left-handed, we have been, well okay, *I* have received some abuse at the tennis club but, you know, it's the principle (apparently), damnit.

Devil's Kitchen said...

Sorry, Mr Fact: you guys are oppressors too...

Even the word "ambidexterity" reflects the bias. Its intended meaning is, "skillful at both sides." However, since it keeps the Latin root "dexter," which means "right," it ends up conveying the idea of being "right-handed at both sides."



JonnyB said...

I think this is a silly petition.

If left handed people are given equal rights to us then I, for one, will be leaving the country.

Myrddin Wen said...

I resent the implication that I, as a right-hander, am part of the oppression your brothers and sisters may experience. I harbour no grudge aginst leftys, or indeed, ambys ( except when I pick a pair of lefty scissors and am immediately confounded - stupid things ).

Surely the fact that there are such tools for leftys shows that you lot are not so oppressed after eh? Shit, even that bloke off the simpsons, Flanders, started a shop catering specifically for leftoids.

So you want legislation, does that mean the formation of a Chiral Police, they'll come to my house and inspect my kitchen utensils? and make jokes about 'left handed screwdrivers' a fucking hate crime?


Anonymous said...


Of course it's a hate crime.

Fucking Welsh dextrist.

Unity said...

Even as a 'righty', I'm happy to sign up for this.

How about an exchange of petitions - I've got one up which, I would hope, would be of interest to all bloggers, asking for revision of the UK's libel law, done US lines - i.e. far more protection for free speech, etc.

And, okay, I will admit that part of the reason for this was that crap about voluntary blogging codes - the way I see if, if we have a fair, equitable and accessible libel law, then bureaucratic twats like PCC become largely, if not entirely, redundant.

D-notice has a good one going as well, calling for an end to Crown Copyright (aka charging us for stuff we already own)

As for the Wikipedia thing - they're taking the piss there, aren't they.

Anonymous said...

You left-handed buggers give me the creeps. Give you lot an inch and you'll take a yard. I hope that in this, at least, Tony can be firm of purpose and kibosh this dangerous idea. They don't call 'em Human Lefts, now do they Mr Clever Pants? Eh? Eh? What have you got to say for yerself now?

That'll learn 'em.

Myrddin Wen said...

You got nuffin on me guv, I've got left hand opening doors and, er, lots of other stuff like that.

What annoys me is when you walk behind someone in the library who is engrossed in shelf browsing and they step back into you just as you pass them. Bastards.

Do leftys have library cards?


Devil's Kitchen said...

Aha! I have uncovered the seamy underbelly of the unpleasant left-handism! It's right up there with racism, anti-Semitism and mass-murder, I tell ye!

except when I pick a pair of lefty scissors and am immediately confounded - stupid things

That's what I mean: it's all very well saying, "but you have left-handed scissors and left-handed fountain pens" but have you tried using the bastards?!

And I'm personally bitter because I was never able to win a hand-writing prize at prep school: apparently my writing sloped the wrong way and was therefore simply not what they were looking for. I'm left-handed, you fuckers, of course it slopes the wrong way!


Anonymous said...

Why should we encourage unnatural handiness?

The vast majority of people are naturally right-handed and therefore, using your left one is a choice to indulge in unnatural behaviour.

I'm sure Leviticus must condemn this. Can anyone loan me a bible to confirm?

On a more serious note, my mother had a lifelong, almost pathological, hatred of teachers and schools. It was only shortly before her death that she spoke of almost daily beatings from infant teachers to 'cure' her of her rebellious and unnatural left-handedness.

Anonymous said...

"…daily beatings from infant teachers to 'cure' her of her rebellious and unnatural left-handedness."

Quite right too. Equal rights for lefties? Where will it end? Before you know it the bloody ginger-nuts will want a look-in, and then where will we be? Hmm? We didn't fight two world wars against the bleedin' Huns to have the likes of Chris Evans poncing around like they own the place, you know. A line must be drawn: thus far and no farther. Or else you risk encouraging other deviant groups, like the Welsh.

Myrddin Wen said...

Lev 27:35 - Yea, those kack-handed amongst you will find corkscrews awkward and the very devil to operate, and driving the hossless carriage verily a right cunt.

Lev 27:36 but those who are not kack-handed needn't snigger either, yer buggers, for The Lord shall visit upon them a proper plague of mystery tools and kitchen accessories to confound and bring wroth.

Lev 27:37 For 'tis writ upon the brain of the leftoid to prosecute the right to left writing, against the oft' submitted ( verily ), just like Da Vinci, do ya kennit?. Praise Jesus. Hallelujah. and Amen.

Lev 28:1 Nay, as it was in the old days, those favoured by Satan would reply 'eh?' to whatever you said, causing the blessed to repeat the previous sentence regardless. These are proper fuckers destined for the fiery burning acid death of Gehenna. Praise Jesus.

Myrddin Wen said...

Aye, we sheep-shaggers in the North are more romantic than the southerners, do ya, we like to snog 'em first.

The Pedant-General said...

Equal "Rights", DK?

Equal LEFTS surely!

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