Conservative hopefuls are finding out whether they are on the party's list of elite candidates for winnable seats.
Ex-Coronation Street actor Adam Rickitt eco-campaigner Zac Goldsmith and author Louise Bagshawe are all on the A-list", the BBC understands.
Adam fucking Rickett?! What the fuck? A sub-standard actor and piss-poor failure of a pop star is the best that the Tories have to offer?
Louise Bagshaw? Who the hell is she? Some damn chick-lit author or something?
And Zac fucking Goldsmith? Every time that that idiot opens his mouth he adds a little more stupidity to the world. The fucking Enviromentalist, which really should be shortened to the Mentalist, is a crap rag full of equally crappy, hemp-sandal-influenced, pseudo-scientific bollocks.
Come to think of it, he fits right in with Spam's preachy, hemp-sandal influenced, pseudo-scientific bollocks. Oh, yes, and the hypocrisy.
Notwithstanding what I wrote below, Spam really is doing my nut: seriously.
Local Tories in at least 200 of the most winnable seats will be expected to pick their candidates from the list.
So, what's happened to the concept of local MPs representing the local people who elect them? How the hell is sodding Adam Rickett going to represent the middle-aged, middle-class Tory voters of Kent? Or Zac Goldsmith represent a poverty-stricken constituency in Liverpool (come to think of it, how is a man who is and always has been, by any standards, rich beyond the dreams of avarice, going to represent anyone at all: especially as he has never worked for the money)? How the hell are any of these all-looks-no-talent Z List clowns going to represent voters? How are they going to address the needs of local people in constituencies that they have never visited?
Spam's a fool, but every time that I really feel like laying into the twat, something comes along to mitigate my loathing: in this case it is this immensely patronising Newsnight report.
Mind you, it doesn't alter the fact that Cameron is assembling a team of talentless know-nothings who just look good. The man is adopting the Blair approach: don't worry if your candidates couldn't organise a piss-up in the proverbial brewery, as long as they have a pretty face. Cameron is essentially saying, "if you are a long-time party activist, male, over forty, middle-class, well-spoken and believe in low taxes and minimal government, then I'm afraid that you are just going to have to fuck off and find yourself another party."
It makes me want to fucking weep. And it also makes me think that maybe it really is time for a new party: the Real Conservatives. Anyone want to join? More importantly, if anyone wants to bung a couple of million quid into the kitty, then we can really get going. How about some slogans?
Vote Real Conservatives is you think that:
- Labour are fascist scum who should all be put down,
- the Lib Dems are slippery fuckers who will say anything to get elected and who are, in any case, completely useless,
- the BNP are an unpleasant bunch of racist bastards,
- the Greens are tree-hugging, hippie loons,
- the Tories are limp, Labour-lite, divorced-from-reality wingnuts.
Think that none of the above are worth the cross on your ballot paper? Vote Real Conservative for real control over your life!
Hey, I'd vote for them...