Consumers, businesses and even government departments could pay a special tax on emails and mobile phone text messages under a scheme floated by a centre-right French MEP to finance the EU.
Oh, of course; he would be a fucking little Frenchman, wouldn't he...
Alain Lamassoure, rapporteur of the European Parliament's budget committee, has suggested to all 25 EU national parliaments and governments that users pay a "tiny" tax of €0.15 (10p) on SMS text messages and €0.00001 on every email.
Well, he has no rapport with me, I'll tell you that for starters. And a "tiny" tax? Text messages come in at around 10p a text (less if you buy in bulk on a monthly contract) so he is essentially proposing a 100% tax; he is proposing doubling the cost of a text message. I would almost like to see his try, and watch every one of the massive telecomms companies drag the EU through the courts. It would be fucking hilarious.
"I have discussed this with national parliaments in Luxembourg, Portugal, Finland, Germany and France with varying responses," he said.
Yes, the responses varied from, "piss off, you dirty little Frog" to "fuck off, cunt".
"I have not met my UK counterparts so far but I had a written response from the House of Lords saying the idea was very interesting - and the House of Commons Treasury committee wrote back, saying: 'It is none of your business nor ours,'" he added with a laugh.
Bloody hell! The Commons Treasury committee have got a spine, how wonderful! Mind you, I bet that's given The Gobblin' King ideas for the next Budget.
Mr Lamassoure, a member of President Jacques Chirac's UMP party, has called a meeting with MPs and MEPs from all 25 member countries for June 21 when he hopes to persuade Laszlo Kovacs, the EU budget commissioner, of the merits of his concept.
Translation: "Our own money! Freedom!"
Calling it an element of "a fiscal system for the 21st century", he said: "Our idea is not to be revolutionary but to create a new system of our own resources without imposing new burdens on national budgets."
Translation: "We asked for more money and the member states told us to piss off in no uncertain terms and now Chirac won't stop shouting at me."
The French MEP said the explosion in electronic traffic, including cross-border trade, was a huge source of wealth and "perhaps it would be technically easy and even politically possible to impose a very tiny tax on these millions and billions of operations - like the proposed Tobin tax [a levy on sterling transactions that would be used to fight global poverty].
"Just one, tiny, waffer-thin tax, you understand, Monsieur..."
"This could start in, say, 2015 or 2020. Say I send a text from Paris to Marseille, then the tax revenue would go to the French budget but if I sent a SMS from Brussels to London at least some of it would go to the EU. And messages sent outside the EU, to the US or Russia, say, could be used to help finance overseas development, ease hunger and poverty."
Translation: "If you oppose my tax, you—the people—are personally responsible for every poor, little, fly-blown child that dies and is eaten by maggots. And, in the meantime, we'd rather that the Doha round trade talks failed than discuss reforming the CAP which is, let's face it, what the whole fucking thing is about anyway. You know, us—especially France—illegally dumping huge amounts of sugar beet on countries whose economies rely on the price of sugarbeet, for instance. Or putting tariffs on their goods as they come into the EU in order to line our fat pension pots. Yes, you may call me a maggot but I cannot be: if I was, I would be in the Sudan, eating that child—that you killed by opposing this teeny, tiny tax—from the inside out."
He insisted that the proposed levies would be fiscally neutral. "It's a slightly utopian idea, I know, but we need a more modern system as the current one doesn't function any more - and we would guarantee the taxpayer that this new tax would be met by reductions in charges elsewhere."
And you think that we would be stupid enough to believe you, do you? Fat, fucking chance. Sod off and die, you greasy little turd.
UNIO EUROPAEA DELENDA EST!