Tuesday, May 30, 2006

New Statesman New Media Awards

Well done to all those nominated for The New Statesman New Media Awards; unfortunately, there seems to have been a mistake: The Devil's Kitchen is not nominated for one single award, an omission that I find personally shattering.

The categories—and how I should surely fit into them—are as follows:
  1. Accessibility—I have made my site and its comment boxes available to all. I have discriminated against neither raspberries nor fruitloops as long as their comments are sensible, i.e. accord with my thinking.

  2. Advocacy—well, I mean, this is surely one that I should win! I have advocated hangings, cancer, beatings, shootings, beheadings, more beatings and cancer (again) as suitable punishments for our NuLabour masters (and their mouthpieces). How much more advocacy do you want?

  3. Contribution to civic society—I have surely contributed more than anyone else in the sheer volume of swearwords, cursing, sweeping generalisations and spitting rage (but only because I write more posts than Noreen and BallBag).

  4. Education—I have educated many in the ways of righteousness, and not a few in the ways of self-righteousness. I am amazing. I rest my case.

  5. Elected representative—alright, not this one. Yet. Unless you count my election as UN Delegate of Blogtopia, of course.

  6. Independent information—well, this is easy: the way in which I so rarely quote my sources surely shows that I have independent sources of information, outside the ken of mortal man.

  7. Innovation—I have taken bile-filled swearing to new highs, and taste in jokes to new lows. I have a wonderfully innovative logo, and I've inaugurated an award specifically for fiskings accompanied by gratuitous insults. What more do you want?

  8. Modernising government—I've planned how to modernise government: a few snipers, a well-placed bomb and me as Benign Dictator for Life. That'd shake up the wet, floppy-eared liberals.

How I'm not winning in every one these categories, frankly, I'll never know...


Martin said...


I wouldn't worry.

They seem top heavy with moaning, fucking, fucking whinging Welsh bastards and organic farmers.

And just what the fuck, what the fuck, is the 'East Midlands Economic Network'?

The Nottingham Yardies' cartel?

Blognor Regis said...

I find de Devil's Kitchen's omission from dese awards most petoybing. I suggest we send Spatz Malone and Trigger Finger Dennis down dere in order to introduce these putzes to the art of gentle persuasion.

Chris Palmer said...

If you'd only asked.

AntiCitizenOne said...

I reckon you were too nice. Marxism punishes people for being moral, you just can't beat that!

Gavin said...

Even as we speak (or type), I'm busy composing a post about this, which may (or may not) throw some light on why you weren't nominated.

Devil's Kitchen said...

Is it because I is not Welsh? (Well, not much.)

It's probably because they were looking for more passion...


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