Thursday, April 06, 2006

To boldly go where no NuLabour supporting bastard has gone before

Patrick Stewart: sell-out and fascist sympathiser.
Et tu baldy: go fuck yourself, Patrick.

You know what? I used to respect Patrick Stewart: I thought that he had talent, charisma and a wonderful voice. But that was before I got the latest NuLabour e-missive through. It features a picture of Patrick Stewart OBE—for it seems like Labour has to buy support with honours these days—looking serious, with the following text.
It doesn't take the captain of a starship or a superhero with special powers to change the world. It takes people like you.

Yes, Patrick; unfortunately we are fighting against bought-out, shit-for-brains, fascist-sympathising, Leftist wankers like you. Oh, Patrick, Patrick: what price your soul? (An OBE apparently...).
As an actor whose work stretches from science fiction to Shakespeare, I am often asked why I am Labour.

You are Labour? Wow, now we know who pulls Toni's strings! Tell me, Patrick, do people ask in this way: "how the fuck can you support this bunch of illiberal wankers, Patrick?" Oh, and as an actor, why do they think that you could possibly carry any weight with the public? You are a whore for hire...
No matter how many times the question is put to me, it always takes me by surprise. I could not imagine being anything else.

What a very poor imagination you have, Patrick.
I am a lifelong Labour supporter.

What, even if the NuLabour government brought in ID cards, the Abolition of Parliament Bill, bankrupting the country and... Oh, hang on, they're doing that and you still support them. Does you Equity Card have your ID number on it, Patrick? And have you already applied for your ID Card? Will we see you first in the queue?
I am proud of the beliefs we carry as Labour supporters and I am proud of our achievements - more people helped into work than ever before, record investment in our schools and hospitals, crime and anti-social behaviour falling with more Community Support Officers serving local communities.

Christ on a bike, it's like listening to Neil Harding. The "record investment in our schools and hospitals" has led to a productivity drop, a pensions crisis, more illiterates than ever and people going untreated as the NHS struggles against a deficit of £1 billion. Go and read Doctor Crippen to learn how well Labour have done with the NHS.

As for the "more people helped into work than ever before", you know as well as I do that the figures have been fiddled, if only because those unnecessarily on Incapacity Benefit (even Blunkett estimated that to be 1.5 million) and those on Jobseeker's training aren't counted as unemployed, even though they are.

As for crime falling, it seems strange that, for instance, the incidences of violent crime and street crime are actually up quite considerably, and police forces have been emasculated and distracted from their real duties by unfounded accusations of "institutionalised racism" and a deluge of paperwork. Not an unmitigated triumph there, either, Pat.
As Patron of the Party's supporters' network, thank you for registering as a Labour supporter.

I only did it so that I could mock the very latest NuLabour bulletin and pull apart those stupid, third-rate entertainers who can't fact-check.
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Frankly, I would rather eat my own son. Although, come to think of it, there may be possibilities here...
Your support really does count.

Then I feel extra glad that you don't have it.
I decided to become more than a supporter. I joined the Party and I'm glad I did. You can do as little or as much for us as you like.

I'm quite comfortable sitting on my arse, attempting to get on with my life, thank you, Patrick. I certainly don't need to be hectored by a two-bit Star Trek captain.
But for just £3 a month, you are helping us pay for the campaign equipment we need to help fight the Tories and build a better Britain.

Having been found out about the loans, and possibly having to repay them, it's time to tap the general public again. Still, with Labour Party memberships at pretty much an all-time low, I'm not sure that this drive will net you enough even to repay Lord Sainsbury.
Thanks again for your support.

Patrick Stewart
Patron, Labour Supporters Network, Sell-Out and Spawn Of Satan

I may have embellished something there...
P.S. Please don't forget those important elections for your local councillors on 4 May. You can help in a campaign near you. If you've got elections, don't forget to use your vote for Labour.

No, thank you. Tell you what, Patrick, are you living in Britain at the moment? Or are you filming in the US? Tell you what, are you even domiciled in Britain for tax these days? Do tell, I'd love to know. In the meantime, you can go fuck yourself.

Now make it so...


Anonymous said...

haha, I can say in all honesty, that I never thought he was a good actor!

Very nicely written ;o)

Katy Newton said...

I thought he was the finest starship captain ever. I am disappointed in him. I doubt the Enterprise would have been nearly as successful in seeking out new civilisations if Data had been a Diversity and Development Outreach Coordinator or if Jordie had had to spend 50% of his time filling in forms about health and safety. Or if Tom had been suspended on full pay pending investigation for sexual harassment every time he made a pass at that half Klingon engineering lady whose name I have now forgotten.

Although on the other hand the computer knew exactly where they were and what they were doing at all times. Perhaps that's why Capt Picard can't see the problem with ID cards.

Katy Newton said...

Bugger, I got Voyager and TNG all mixed up. They'll never let me back into the Trekkie convention now.

Anonymous said...

A lot of NuLabour's insane and repressive polices might be explained if they are all indeed Trekkies at heart. Star Trek, and indeed Star Wars are more akin to Harry Potter style "magic" than to actual science and technology:

The blind religous faith in the "magical" use of unproven or non-existant technology to "solve" social or political problems.

The assumption that "In the future" there must be all seeing surveillance panopticons and massive computer databases recording every aspect of human lives.

Oh, and the nauseating political correctness.

Fidothedog said...

Always knew there was a reason I liked DS9 more, guess I know why now. Still no doubt he has his 30 credits of Latinum....

Guido Fawkes said...

That OBE cost him £120,000

AntiCitizenOne said...

Resistance is futile, your income will be assimilated by the Gordon Borg.

Anonymous said...

Re:Patrick Stewart
And the answer to your question "..are you even domiciled in Britain for tax these days? "
No he isn't.

neil craig said...

Come on. He is entitled to a wrong opinion - we all are.

He is a "lifelong Labour supporter" who "cannot imagine being anything else". Sorry but there are millions of them. In theory celebrities, being on average fairly well off, are more likely than average to be Tories so go find them.

Alison said...

oh hes just a typical luvvie, along with the hollywood crew, liberal saps the lot

Gavin said...

I suggest Patrick Stewart should permanently reprise his role of "Karla" the Russian KGB agent: you see very little of him, and he never speaks a word.

Anonymous said...

It's all jolly funny isn't it. My own personal take was to write what Patrick Stewart really meant to write. I do love getting the Leftie Weekly propaganda emails... they make my day.

Tom Paine said...

As a lover of the theatre, I have long since reconciled myself to the left-wing proclivities of actors. Patrick is an excellent actor and being a political half-wit does not detract from that. Wagner was a political half-wit and could write a pretty good tune.

I wanted to be an actor myself, but could not face the 90% chance of a miserable life unemployed (sorry, "resting"). I admire and respect those whose love of the theatrical arts is great enough to face those risks. I suppose, since most of them are dependent on the public purse most of the time (drawing benefits, working for subsidised theatres, working for the BBC etc.) it's no more surprising that actors should favour a big, imprudent State than that nurses or Scotsmen should.

It's self-interest as the bastard child of envy and guilt, wearing the mask of compassion. Go easy on the guy. We make a rod for our own backs by taking the views of celebrities too seriously. If we didn't care, politicians wouldn't ask them to give their half-baked opinions.

Devil's Kitchen said...


I appreciate all that: after all, many of my best friends are actors (and I know a few professional stage-managers and techies too), and I can see why Patrick would be a Labour man, I could even forgive him if he had done this at the beginning of this government's term.

BUT I cannot and will not forgive him for indulging in this filthy shill at this stage in the government's life, especially when he is domiciled in the US. Not only is it pandering to a fascist government, but it's rank hypocrisy to boot. I am quite sure that he understands what hypocrisy is: Picard did...


Tommy said...

As the captain of the Enterprise and set in the worlds future, Patrick must know that Labour will cease to exist in 2007!

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