Patrick Stewart: sell-out and fascist sympathiser.
Et tu baldy: go fuck yourself, Patrick.
You know what? I used to respect Patrick Stewart: I thought that he had talent, charisma and a wonderful voice. But that was before I got the latest NuLabour e-missive through. It features a picture of Patrick Stewart OBE—for it seems like Labour has to buy support with honours these days—looking serious, with the following text.
It doesn't take the captain of a starship or a superhero with special powers to change the world. It takes people like you.
Yes, Patrick; unfortunately we are fighting against bought-out, shit-for-brains, fascist-sympathising, Leftist wankers like you. Oh, Patrick, Patrick: what price your soul? (An OBE apparently...).
As an actor whose work stretches from science fiction to Shakespeare, I am often asked why I am Labour.
You are Labour? Wow, now we know who pulls Toni's strings! Tell me, Patrick, do people ask in this way: "how the fuck can you support this bunch of illiberal wankers, Patrick?" Oh, and as an actor, why do they think that you could possibly carry any weight with the public? You are a whore for hire...
No matter how many times the question is put to me, it always takes me by surprise. I could not imagine being anything else.
What a very poor imagination you have, Patrick.
I am a lifelong Labour supporter.
What, even if the NuLabour government brought in ID cards, the Abolition of Parliament Bill, bankrupting the country and... Oh, hang on, they're doing that and you still support them. Does you Equity Card have your ID number on it, Patrick? And have you already applied for your ID Card? Will we see you first in the queue?
I am proud of the beliefs we carry as Labour supporters and I am proud of our achievements - more people helped into work than ever before, record investment in our schools and hospitals, crime and anti-social behaviour falling with more Community Support Officers serving local communities.
Christ on a bike, it's like listening to Neil Harding. The "record investment in our schools and hospitals" has led to a productivity drop, a pensions crisis, more illiterates than ever and people going untreated as the NHS struggles against a deficit of £1 billion. Go and read Doctor Crippen to learn how well Labour have done with the NHS.
As for the "more people helped into work than ever before", you know as well as I do that the figures have been fiddled, if only because those unnecessarily on Incapacity Benefit (even Blunkett estimated that to be 1.5 million) and those on Jobseeker's training aren't counted as unemployed, even though they are.
As for crime falling, it seems strange that, for instance, the incidences of violent crime and street crime are actually up quite considerably, and police forces have been emasculated and distracted from their real duties by unfounded accusations of "institutionalised racism" and a deluge of paperwork. Not an unmitigated triumph there, either, Pat.
As Patron of the Party's supporters' network, thank you for registering as a Labour supporter.
I only did it so that I could mock the very latest NuLabour bulletin and pull apart those stupid, third-rate entertainers who can't fact-check.
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Frankly, I would rather eat my own son. Although, come to think of it, there may be possibilities here...
Your support really does count.
Then I feel extra glad that you don't have it.
I decided to become more than a supporter. I joined the Party and I'm glad I did. You can do as little or as much for us as you like.
I'm quite comfortable sitting on my arse, attempting to get on with my life, thank you, Patrick. I certainly don't need to be hectored by a two-bit Star Trek captain.
But for just £3 a month, you are helping us pay for the campaign equipment we need to help fight the Tories and build a better Britain.
Having been found out about the loans, and possibly having to repay them, it's time to tap the general public again. Still, with Labour Party memberships at pretty much an all-time low, I'm not sure that this drive will net you enough even to repay Lord Sainsbury.
Thanks again for your support.
Patron, Labour Supporters Network, Sell-Out and Spawn Of Satan
I may have embellished something there...
P.S. Please don't forget those important elections for your local councillors on 4 May. You can help in a campaign near you. If you've got elections, don't forget to use your vote for Labour.
No, thank you. Tell you what, Patrick, are you living in Britain at the moment? Or are you filming in the US? Tell you what, are you even domiciled in Britain for tax these days? Do tell, I'd love to know. In the meantime, you can go fuck yourself.
Now make it so...