Thursday, March 23, 2006

Smoke Free Policy

My email correspondant, Doctor Talbot, sends me the non-smoking policy of the Scottish Legal Aid Board. It is, as you would expect, the usual sanctimonious claptrap, but there are a couple of points of interest.
We have developed this policy to protect all employees and visitors from exposure to second-hand smoke and to help us comply with the Smoking, Health and Social Care (Scotland) Act 2005.
...

Smoking is, therefore, not allowed in any of the Board’s buildings or vehicles (owned or leased). In addition, you must not smoke on front doorsteps (or the external basement area at the front of the Drumsheugh building).

So, you cannot smoke in your company car (even if it is just you in that car), presumably because smoke particles in the seat covers might cause arse cancer or rectal breathing problems. And, of course, you are not actually allowed to smoke outside. Nice. So where can you smoke.
If you do wish to smoke in the open air on the Board’s property, you may only do so in a smoking shelter that complies with the law. (For example, we are installing a smoking shelter in the back garden at 44 Drumsheugh Gardens.)

So, you can only smoke in a legally-constructed smoking shelter—which presumably has no more than two walls—and not even in the open air. This is presumably to ensure that smoking—even on a balmy summer's afternoon—will not be a pleasurable experience for anybody. What I want to know is, under Health and Saftety Law, how many people are actually allowed in the shelter at any one time? Will they have to queue?

Naturally, you are free to use the shelter at any time that you deem fit? Er, no.
You may only use the smoking shelter at the following times:
  • in authorised breaks;

  • before starting work for the day;

  • during your lunch break;

  • after finishing work at the end of the day.

Well, that should at least shut the traps of the moaning cunts who insist that smokers get more breaks than them.
We will take disciplinary action against any member of staff who does not comply with this policy. We will treat it as serious misconduct under the Disciplinary Procedure and it could lead to dismissal.

You should ask any visitors or contractors who refuse to follow the no smoking policy to leave the premises. If they refuse, tell them we will contact the police to remove them.

If they also voice disapproval of this stupidity or in any way criticise Jack McConnell's sartorial choice they will also be marched away by the police who, naturally, have nothing better to do, the capture of rapists, murderers, child molesters and thugs and muggers being second priority to catching smokers smoking outwith the designated areas.

It doesn't say in the policy document whether the Legal Aid Board will be employing plain clothes spies to dob in those who do not comply, but one can imagine that the usual self-interested stool-pigeons will do it voluntarily.
Anyone who does not comply with the smoking law is liable to criminal prosecution.

Still, I suppose that if you do get prosecuted whilst working for the Legal Aid Board, your defence fees can get fast-tracked, eh?

What a bunch of cunts. All of them. Dress them all as Brazilians and send 'em down The Tube, I say...

1 comment:

Wrinkled Weasel said...

Still defending smokers rights eh? Have you begun to notice that chain-smoking movie icons such as Bogart and Jean Paul Belmondo are increasingly looking un-cool.

Does a fag in the mowf make you look more like Bette Davis or - Cathy Burke, more like Jack Buchanan or Jack Dromey?

Give up - you'll thank me when you are in the hospice with your lungs sputtering out of your nostrils in little sanguine chunks

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