Ladies and Gentlemen,
Thank you for inviting me to address you this morning.
I am taking this opportunity to announce my resignation as Secretary of State for Health. I am doing so because I am a patronising fuckup, hated by everyone with whom I come into contact. I am doing so because I am presiding over a grotesque explosion in NHS overregulation, mindless centralisation and spiralling debt, and blame everyone except myself. I am doing so because no-one in this malodorous government ever takes responsibility for screwing things up, and I'd like to be remembered for something.
But there is more.
[HOLD UP ENVELOPE]
In this envelope is a pill containing a highly concentrated dosage of a poison named digitalis, which a thoughtful doctor was kind enough to give me on my last birthday, quite unprompted. It is fast-acting and entirely painless, or so he assured me.
Tell my family I love them. Tell Tony that I didn't mean for it to end like this. I'm sorry for everyone I've ever lied to; anyone I've ever patronised; anyone I've eve eeeeeeyyy eeeeaaaaaarrrrrrr GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!.........
That's right: having already dreamed of feeding her into the whirling propellors of a light aircraft and doing unspeakable things to the corpse, he is now predicting her death by foxgloves...