Monday, March 13, 2006

Mr E's Beautiful Blues

Mr Eugenides looks forward to a truly beautiful day: the day when he writes Patricia Hewitt's last speech...
Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you for inviting me to address you this morning.

I am taking this opportunity to announce my resignation as Secretary of State for Health. I am doing so because I am a patronising fuckup, hated by everyone with whom I come into contact. I am doing so because I am presiding over a grotesque explosion in NHS overregulation, mindless centralisation and spiralling debt, and blame everyone except myself. I am doing so because no-one in this malodorous government ever takes responsibility for screwing things up, and I'd like to be remembered for something.

But there is more.

[HOLD UP ENVELOPE]

In this envelope is a pill containing a highly concentrated dosage of a poison named digitalis, which a thoughtful doctor was kind enough to give me on my last birthday, quite unprompted. It is fast-acting and entirely painless, or so he assured me.

[SWALLOW PILL]

Tell my family I love them. Tell Tony that I didn't mean for it to end like this. I'm sorry for everyone I've ever lied to; anyone I've ever patronised; anyone I've eve eeeeeeyyy eeeeaaaaaarrrrrrr GGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!.........

That's right: having already dreamed of feeding her into the whirling propellors of a light aircraft and doing unspeakable things to the corpse, he is now predicting her death by foxgloves...

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The very model of a modern scientific man

Your humble Devil was thoroughly amused by Neil Ferguson's fall from grace, and is very pleased to have found the time to outline Fergus...