Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Gobblin' King your money

The Goblin KingGordon Brown: "I am the Gobblin' King! I have taken your money to the Gobblin' Castle, in the middle of the Gobblin' City, at the centre of my Labyrinthine tax policies."

Now, as you may have noticed, your humble Devil has been a little distracted over the last few days, trying to put his house into some kind of semblance of order. It has not been massively successful, except that I have bored myself so much that I have lacked my usual wit and verve*. Therefore, it was with a spark of excitement that I found myself looking into the evil features of our one-eyed Gobblin' King, and found the bile rising effortlessly. Why?

Well, for starters, he's an incompetent cunt. Whilst discussing some politics with a friend of mine recently, we touched, for instance, upon the Gobblin' King's inopportune selling of half the bloody gold in the Bank of England in return for Euros and other such toytown crap. Gold is, I believe, sitting at about $560 an ounce: Gordo sold our gold at $280, or thereabouts. Stupid enough, one would have thought. But no! The Gobblin' King went one better, the fucking tosser.

He announced that he was going to sell all this lovely yellow metal, the wealth of our nation, some time before doing so. And the inevitable result? Yup, the price dropped. So, not only did he sell our fucking metal at a record low, but he contirbuted to that low. The man's a moron; I mean, Jesus H Christ, what a fucking, retarded muppet. No, but seriously; what a cunt.

So, what more would I need, to allow that vitriol to bubble dangerously to the surface? Aye, that's right; only an article about how the Gobblin' King is going to "continue with reforms" once he's the daddy.
Gordon Brown has signalled there could be more reform, not less, if he succeeds Tony Blair as prime minister.

The chancellor said he was going around the country listening to people about the big challenges facing the UK, such as terrorism and divisions in society.

Will this be like Tony's Big Chat Initiative, or whatever the fuck it was called, in which Toni pretended to listen to morons in TV studios, primed with their questions, and then just ignored the whole fucking exercise anyway? Probably.
"I want to listen, I want to learn, I want to hear what people are saying," Mr Brown told BBC News.

Well, here's what I am saying, you fucking, useless old scrote: "FUCK OFF AND DIE." Okay? 'Kay.

Actually, that's just for starters. Pointing out exactly how economically illiterate the puffed up little mons is would proabably feature quite highly as well. Swearing and gratuitous insults too, I'll be bound. Let's hope that he decides to go and listen to his contituents in Kirkcaldy: I might even travel to that shithole—a town whose seafront promenade reminds me of Morrissey's Everyday Is Like Sunday (The seaside town / That they forgot to knock down / So come Armageddon, come...)—in order to pelt him with rotting aubergines (the world's most evil vegetable and the real architect of the Final Solution). The thieving bastard.
Tackling Britain's problems meant continuing reform and modernisation, and even intensifying it, he said.

Mr Brown insisted he was focusing on being a good chancellor by touring the country, not preparing for No 10.

Might I suggest that reading some books on really basic economics might help a little more than touring? If Brown tours, he will tour poor areas, in order to show how caring he is. The poor people will ask for more money and, since our little, unwiped, puckered bumhole of a Chancellor was going to do that anyway, he will laud it as a vindication of his policies.

Leave aside the fact that social mobility, surely one of the most crucial measures of a successful meritocracy, has, since Princess Toni, the Gobblin' King and their Evil Horde have taken over, actually decreased. The poor are kept in an endless cycle of benefits clawback and disincentives to work and business, stifled by red tape and overburdened by taxes, doesn't have the spare cash to create jobs, let alone take a risk employing the unskilled and those who have been on long-term benefits. Almost all of this is down to Brown; it's too much to hope that his life will collapse to the extent that he will be in the position of some of these poor bastards, but then that's what dreams are for.
Mr Brown, who has been accused by the Conservatives of being a "road block to reform", gave a stark message to those who expect him to change tack if he takes charge.

"My message is reform is going to continue," he said. "This is not the last education reform there will be."

He then went on to say that the government would be utterly fearless in continuing to dumb down and devalue all exams, degrees and qualifications, that schools would be micromanaged to within an inch of their lives (donating, in the process, far more than the current average of 33% of their budget to the pointless bureaucracies that are the Local Education Authorities) and that, when the clock struck 13, Toni, "you'll be mine!".
Mr Brown said the country knew it needed to think about the long-term challenges.

"That will mean continued reform, continued modernisation, if necessary an intensification of reform," he argued.

He then elaborated, at unnecessary length and in the most tedious language possible; the Cyclopean cunt made absolutely clear that he would keep buggering about with the economy and stuffing business until either they were dead, or he was. The useless, stunted bastard.
The chancellor said people who thought he was opposed to identity cards and tougher anti-security measures had got him wrong.

"I want the toughest of security in defence of people's liberty," he said.

So, we cannot even say that in his favour. Dear God, I didn't think that I could hate the manically-grinning maniac any more than I already did, but now I know that he is a total fucking waste of precious oxygen. I'll bet the fat bastard honks out a fair few tons of methane every year as well, the soapy titwanker.
Earlier, Mr Brown said becoming a father had changed his approach to life and politics and made him a better person.

Well, he could hardly be worse, frankly.
The chancellor said the birth of his son John two years ago had made him realise "there are things far more important in life than politics".

Really? Is there any danger, then, of you FUCKING OFF OUT OF IT, you haggard, old shitbag? Can you imagine little Johnny asking his daddy what he did when he was in politics?

"Well," replies his daddy, "I was responsible for a record number of personal and small business bankruptcies for twelve years in a row!** Isn't that good, Johnny? I brought misery to millions. But... I did it myyyyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay..."

If little Johnny has any sense of decency, as soon as he is big enough he'll drown his arsehole of a father in the nearest pond.
In an interview with the Daily Mirror he also said the death of his first child, Jennifer, had made him feel there was "no point" in carrying on.

If only.
With his wife expecting a third baby, he said his family was "number one" in his life.

Which is ironic really, because number one is six feet under which is, incidentally, exactly where the Gobblin' King's policies are taking the economy.
"It is incredible to watch a young child develop and change every day," said Mr Brown.

Yup; he could have watched the process really closely in only little Sarah had been buried in a formicarium.
"It does make you think all the time what parents need - they feel under pressure because they want to do the right thing, and as a father I understand that."

I don't. I'm not a father. Nor are lots of the rest of the country. But, strangely, I would imagine that fathers and non-fathers everywhere are united in one view: they would rather spend their money on their own fucking sprogs than have it stolen by some one-eyed cunty-boz who "understands" them.
He also joked that he could "always get a bit of advice [on fatherhood] from next door", in reference to Tony Blair's own experience as a father of four children.

Oh, well, if you are going to do that, why not ask Jack Straw's advice on warning your kids off drugs too. Go on, push the boat out, you tit.
Mr Brown added that the death of his daughter after a premature birth put "everything in perspective".

"There are certain things you can't do for weeks or for months.

Have sex? Watch CBeebies? Do the washing-up? Won't you tell us all about it Gordo, you fuck?
"As a result of what happened, I was just not interested in doing things, I lost interest. There were just a lot of things I should have been doing but there just didn't seem a point."

What you should have been doing is sitting in your car, in the garage, with the engine running and a hosepipe leading in through the window from the exhaust. Why didn't you do it? If I find out that some sodding doctor prescribed anti-depressants for this useless, evil, micromanagerialist cunt-box, then he'll be next in my cross-hairs...

Gordo the Gobblin' King must die now, not later. Die, die, die, you incompetent piece of dried-out, white dogshit, like what you don't see around 'ere anymore, eeeeh. I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire, unless I thought that, by peeing in strategic places, it might be possible for me to prolong your agony, you triple-cursed, knob-rotting, savings-fucking, wealth-destroying weeping sore on the hairy, sweaty scrotum of humanity.

Fuck you, Gobblin' King: fuck you right in the ear.

* For which read, "gratuitous swearing and, frankly, unnecessary viciousness."

** Now, the bankruptcies may not be records for twelve years; I suspect that I was exaggerating (we haven't had twelve years of Gordo yet, thank fuck). However, this year is a record.
Nearly 70,000 people became insolvent in 2005, the highest since records began, the Department of Trade and Industry (DTI) has said.
There were a record 20,461 insolvencies in England & Wales during the final quarter of 2005, a 57% annual rise.

Experts blame the rise in insolvencies on greater personal debt, slow growth and bankruptcy rule changes.

At the same time, the Department for Constitutional Affairs (DCA) revealed that home repossession orders also rose sharply in the final quarter of 2005.

In total, 13,501 people were officially declared bankrupt during the final quarter of 2005, up 10.9% on the previous quarter and 37.6% year-on-year.

I should, in all fairness, add that the Enterprise Act, which came into force last year, has reduced the penalties for directors going into insolvency.
Before April 2004, anyone who was declared bankrupt typically had to wait at least three years before they could be discharged.

That time limit was reduced to just one year by the Enterprise Act (2002).

However, I don't believe that many people would choose bankruptcy over success...

UPDATE: Welcome to readers of His Imperial Majesty.


Unity said...

Fucking hell, DK.

When you started going on about the Gobblin' King I thought you'd found out something else about the Lib Dems.

john b said...

Links to the "social mobility" and "record bankruptcies" points might be nice (a link to the whole "record number of years of economic growth" thing might be nice too, but for different reasons and I'm not going to expect miracles..)

Devil's Kitchen said...

John B,

I know, my boy; I just couldn't be arsed, in the white heat of my rage, to track those figures down. I may add to this post later, although I don't think these figures are paricularly difficult to find.


Anonymous said...


Brought a tear to me eye, that one did. Marvelous, just blippin' marvelous!

Anonymous said...

Who pissed on your bonfire today?

Dave said...

What have you got against aubergines?

Devil's Kitchen said...

Aubergines are the root vegetables of all evil. They are pretty purple things, and yet they taste like yukkness. Evil, evil things...


Anonymous said...

Bra-fucking-vo, DK!

That was beautiful. Thank you!

Anonymous said...


To my fellow Americans, that is what the Brits call eggplant.

This is the only thing I disagree with DK on. I love eggplant. ;)

Anonymous said...

Eggplant parmesean is served in Hell's buffet.

Devil's Kitchen said...

Thank you!

My dear Lady Heather, I can, in all honesty, say that it was an absolute pleasure...


john b said...

"Eggplant parmesean is served in Hell's buffet."

One way ticket to Hell, please...

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful rant. I agree with every single word, including the rude ones. I actually pledged to myself that I would leave the UK if Tony and his Barmy Army won the '97 election. In 1999, I emigrated. And watching Gordon bugger the country up since, I have never regretted my decision. Even though I'm not directly affected by his tosserish ways, I still occasionally find myself shouting at the computer when I see one of his little wheezes designed to further impoverish the middle classes and squander the loot on his battalions of client employees in the public sector.

ziz said...

You are very unfair on Gordy, when they took his eye out, they also removed half his brain.

I agree with the comments on aubergines, not only are they a very agreeable vegetable their production keeps our Dutch cousins in the EU in employment.

Please get ready for Dubyas washroom helper, Condileezza Rice who is going to tour Blackburn with her beau, Jack Straw. That's two fucking war criminals for the price of .... well we don't count the Iraqi dead.

Anonymous said...

I was planning on doing a long rant thing on Brownstuff's lunatic measures myself but I don't think I could improve on that.

As for your use of such appalingly violent language.

Excellent!!!! The bastard deserves to have a food blender shoved up his arse and turned on. The resulting mix should be poured into a bowl and force fed to any bits that didn't get minced!!

Anonymous said...

PS. I have taken the liberty of putting a link to this on my blog and awarding this year's prestigious bloggoth award for best anti NL scum rant.

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