Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Fat fucks

Well, it does seem to be something of a slow news day, so let's have a proper look at this lardy-arsed kids story.
Steve Bundred, chief executive of the Audit Commission, said the target to halt rising obesity in under-11s was "very complex and ambitious".

"The causes of obesity are very varied."

No, they're not. As Dr Crippen wrote some time ago, there is one cause of obesity, and it is very simple.

If you put more fuel, i.e. food, into your body than you consume then your body will convert it to fat and store it. Thus, if you eat more calories than you burn, you will become fat. That's not very difficult, is it?

If you are worried about becoming fat, maybe you should try your humble Devil's diet. I eat a large meal only every three to five days, and merely have a snack—bread and cheese, or maybe a couple of Gregg's steak bakes—at lunchtime on the other days. This is because I sit on my arse all day (occasionally twitching my mouse hand and typing this balderdash) and, working from home, I don't even walk to work anymore. You will find that you soon slip into the routine, and hunger doesn't strike (or if it does, porridge really hits the spot).

It really cuts down on the amount of washing-up that one has to do, too.

Oh, and another thing: if you want children to eat school dinners rather than packed lunches, this also is very simple. Simply ban packed lunches. There, easy. We weren't allowed packed lunches at my prep school, where's the difficulty? So that's that sorted.

Oh, and one more word to the wise: if you want kids to burn more calories, then you could try bringing in at least 2 hours of compulsory sports sessions every day, do away with this school finishing at half past two crap.

Oh, yes, and STOP BUILDING ALL OVER THE PLAYING FIELDS, you fucking tossers.

Jesus fucking Christ, do I have to point out the fucking obvious all the time?

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