Sunday, December 25, 2005

A new initiative for Scotland

Having been rather pleased with themselves over the Smokers Map idea, the Scottish Executive—having used up their store of thinking capability for 2005 and 2006—have, instead, come up with a further implementation of the same idea.
THE public are to be told not to be fucking thick in their own homes as part of plans to protect public sector workers from the effect of passive stupidity.

Ministers have told councils, health boards and social work departments that they should compile a "thick bastards map" of Scotland, focusing on those who regularly receive visits from officials and carers. This would identify individual households where a fucking retard is resident.

The numpties would then be sent letters asking them not to be completely fucking stupid for one hour before a council worker or health worker called round. Public bodies have also been advised to use the thick bastards map to ensure that any workers who suffer from idiocy problems are kept away from the homes of utter retards.

The scheme has been criticised as a waste of money: a spokesman from The Devil's Kitchen said that it would be a pointless and expensive exercise. "It will be difficult to enact", said Mr D. Kay. "The trouble is that not only are 99.99% of the visited completely fucking stupid, but so are the majority of public-sector workers. I mean, it's mad. What's next? A "greedy, complacent, lazy cunts map"?"

Mr Kay pointed out that this latter map would, broadly speaking, single out exactly the same people as the "thick bastards map". However, having been advised that the "greedy, complacent, lazy cunts map" would definitely include every member of the Scottish Executive, Mr Kay admitted that it might have some value, "if only as due warning to the voting public". However, he was adamant that it should never be allowed to function as any kind of disclaimer.

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