Thursday, December 15, 2005

I have quite an important meeting with the bank at 4 today, so if anyone knows a good way to convince these institutions that your business is worth lending money to—other than pleading that otherwise your Christmas dinner will be assembled from whatever's in the nearby bins—do feel free to leave a tip or two...

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

1. Go the "creative accounting" route - it works everytime. Most of them can't read accounts anyway.

2. Ask for 2-3 times what you need. When you let them scale it back to more modest proportions, i.e. what you actually wanted in the first place, they will believe that they have *made the right decision*, in your best interests of course.

3. Tell them that it's not raining outside so could they please let you have an umbrella. Of course you're fucked if it is actually raining.

4. Tell that you have already spoken to [insert name of their biggest rival here] and that they have made you an attractive offer. However, your sense of loyalty to them (your current bankers) is huge and that you would really like to borrow their money instead.

5. And finally don't get arsey with them. Leave your best DK vitirol in your back pocket. Unless of course they turn you down. Then you let them have both fucking barrels (just as if they were Polly Pot) as only you can do.

Good luck. Looking forward to reading the results idc.

Anonymous said...

I beleive regulations regarding the governments Small Firms Loan Guarantee Scheme have changed in the last month or so, meaning banks can do the assessment for eligibility themselves. With the government guaranteeing 75% of whatever you borrow, the risk to the bank is obviously reduced.

Also, telling them you're going to double your turn-over every year helps. That's the great thing about business plans - they deal with the future so cannot be verified!

Dom said...

You need to cut and paste the following text into a letter to your bank manager.

Darling fascist bully boy.
Give me some more money you bastard.
May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman.

The very model of a modern scientific man

Your humble Devil was thoroughly amused by Neil Ferguson's fall from grace, and is very pleased to have found the time to outline Fergus...