Friday, December 23, 2005

Blowing smoke in your face...

... is what I'm going to do.
THE public are to be told not to smoke in their own homes as part of plans to protect public sector workers from the effect of passive smoking.
...

Ministers have told councils, health boards and social work departments that they should compile a "smokers' map" of Scotland, focusing on those who regularly receive visits from officials and carers. This would identify individual households where a smoker is resident.

The smokers would then be sent letters asking them not to smoke for one hour before a council worker or health worker called round. Public bodies have also been advised to use the smokers' map to ensure that any workers who suffer from breathing problems are kept away from the homes of smokers.

I'm sorry, but I've yet to see a conclusive study proving what the effects of passive smoking are exactly, what kind of concentration there needs to be to have an effect, or any other conclusive science for that matter.

However, should any of these public sector busybodies be due around my flat, I shall, you may be surprised to hear, comply with the letter. This is because my income is rather small, and I will need to save my cigarettes in order to smoke the lot whilst the public-sector busybody is actually in the flat.

There has been speculation that the ban on smoking in public places will subsequently lead to more people smoking at home, and thus putting their kiddies' lives at risk: how long before the Executive bans smoking in the home if you have children, eh?

Welcome to the surveillance state, it was only a matter of time before the government started to tell people what legal things they could do in their own home; how soon before we are all taking delivery of our very own unswitch-offable Telescreen?

Dear Scottish Executive,

Come near me and I shall forcibly insert your smokers' map up your arsehole. Now, please, fuck off.

Regards,

DK


And you English people want your own parliament, even after you've seen what we got? You are insane...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

We want an English Parliament because what you've got is a taster of what we've got in the UK Parliament... Oh how much better would life be with an English Parliament.... (wistfully wondering)

Allan Scullion said...

We have one do we not, why do we need another. All we have to do is kick the jocks out of it. That includes Blair and Brown. Send 'em packing. Sounds ;like a plan... no?

And be fore anyone starts, I am a jock. These guys make me ashamed.

In other news:

THE public are to be told not to fart in their own homes as part of plans to protect public sector workers from the effect of passive farting.
...

Ministers have told councils, health boards and social work departments that they should compile a "farters' map" of Scotland, focusing on those who regularly receive visits from officials and carers. This would identify individual households where a farter is resident.

The farters would then be sent letters asking them not to fart for one hour before a council worker or health worker called round. Public bodies have also been advised to use the farters' map to ensure that any workers who suffer from breathing problems are kept away from the homes of farters.

The very model of a modern scientific man

Your humble Devil was thoroughly amused by Neil Ferguson's fall from grace, and is very pleased to have found the time to outline Fergus...