Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Horrible dragon threatens council worker fanstasy land...

More total and utter genius from The Daily Mash—so good that it's tempting to quote the article in its entirety...
A LARGE, terrifying dragon is threatening the magical kingdom of massive pensions where no-one ever gets fired.

The fearful citizens of Council Worker Fantasy Land say they will surely be burned to a crisp by the fire breathing monster unless they receive urgent anti-dragon money from the people of the Real World that exists beyond the buttercup meadow and the four star country house hotel where the magical training days are held.

Since 1997 Council Worker Fantasy Land has been the happiest place in the world, where grade two fairytale princesses and thousands of badly educated left-wing elves live happily alongside magical dwarves who are not allowed to move your wheelie bin more than 38.3cm.

But now the fearsome dragon that has eaten more 300,000 townsfolk who actually had to work for a living, could ravage the blissful community and its enchanted ability to tell other people what to do.

Roy Hobbs, the £225,000 a year chief executive of Council Worker Fantasy Land, said: "Help us o good and generous people of the realm where bad decisions have actual consequences.

"We have spent all our money on magical diversity training and surely now the dragon will eat many thousands of us for his tea, which by the way does not contain five portions of fruit or vegetables and leads us to question his ability to raise young dragons."

But, as it happens, you will have to go over there and read the whole thing. Which you really should do. Really.

19 comments:

Roger Thornhill said...

Did you notice John Denham on Daily Politics said that new appointments over £100k would be made public.

Note "new appointments". Brillo alas did not nail him on it.

Denham in true ladder kicking style. We need to see ALL EXISTING fat packages. I also suspect if someone moves from one cosy sinecure to another they will not have that publicised "because the pay has not changed" or "it is already above" blah blah.

"CEO"? Don't make me laugh. They are Town Clerks and once you restore correct naming, as is so often the case, a bit more common sense will follow.

Sack 'em all said...

It's genius isn't it. And oh so true.

Let the fuckers feel the pain the rest of us have thanks to their stupid, cunting bosses.

And by the way, every time you sign up to a diversity course an enchanted taxpayer dies from exhaustion.

I hate the fucking lot of them.

James Bloodworth said...

Having just left a university humanities course I can attest that the next generation of those unable to compete in a free market economy are being trained to stuff these 'institutions' like never before.

It's amazing that we put up with it: learning for the sake of learning is one thing; but what we are doing is actively incubating in our universities a mass of people who wish to stuff politically correct and subsidised bodies: subsidised by the taxpayer of course, yet fundamentally opposed to the liberty from the state that most taxpayers actually believe in. To that end, they are actively working within such institutions to restrict our freedoms even more - to criticise religion, to discuss immigration, to turn a profit.

Socialism still lives, every state subsidised body is infested with it.

Anonymous said...

The Mccarphy with hunts.
Good explanation here cannot be arsed to write it myself.

http://hazelwolf.tripod.com/Hazel_Witchhunt.html

What I find interesting is the way Labour have been doing this in an socialist way ,(PC'ism).
If you get my drift.
Now that's the real stench of socialism !

witchibus said...

I can't believe you didn't quote - "And by the way, every time you smoke a bewitched tobacco stick in a tavern doorway an enchanted pixie dies of fairy cancer."

Anonymous said...

As an utterly fucked and doomed low grade civil servant troll I look forward to the inevitable doom of my inept masters.

Incidentally a MOD Civil Servant (Grade C1 or higher) of more than 14 years employment can expect a redundancy package in excess of £60,000. A worker of an equivalent background or level of experience in the private sector would be lucky to get more than £8,000.

Remind us why there hasn't been a revolution already?

Vladimir said...

The Daily Mash can be so good, and this is a great example.

One thing I really applaud them for is not allowing comments on their articles. The Daily Mash is pretty widely read, and I can guarantee that the comments would be dominated by self-righteous campus lefties of the sort who imagine that despising the Daily Mail and bemoaning Labour's mythical "swing to the right" are the absolute height of intellectual sophistication.

assegai mike said...

I never miss my daily dose of Mash.

AnthonyV said...

It has some works of genius on there and ironically tells the real news far better than most normal news media

Lola said...

Factoid. Spoke to a council 'worker' the other day. She works flexitime. Taking into account all statutory days, her holiday entitlement and the opportunities in flexitime she can get upwards of 100 days 'leave' a year. Not including weekends, of course. Hmmm.

TheUKLibertarian.com said...

Factoid: Guy I knows works for council in an IT role. He says whenever he's being shipped off to a pointless conference hundreds of miles away they always book trains at peak times costing £100+ when by booking a few hours earlier or later they could get a ticket for £20. They also put him up in 5 star hotels at £200 a night. He's not high level or anything.

Factoid: Another friend of sorts works for "research and statistics" he manages a team apparently. Last week they all travelled 300 miles to spend a week in Southampton to attend diversity awareness seminar...

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www.oilofscotland.org said...

The BBC are going to broadcast a party political debate between the Labour Conservative and Liberal parties only.

This is bad enough in England excluding the UK Independence Party.

But is Scotland it absolutely TAKING THE PISS. As the SNP are one of the biggest parties in Scotland and the voters or Scotland will have political opinions thrust upon them from the Conservatives, of which there is only one Conservative MP in Scotland.

Scandalous Pathetic Insidious *

It is being noticed in Scotland that the Scottish Press and Institutions * seem to have an increasing anti-Scottish agenda; they always appear to back or support the Lab our, the Unionist or the Westminster line, many have noticed that any news in Scotland’s political interest is slanted against us, for example, the recent claims that;

“If all North Sea oil revenues had been allocated to Scotland, there would have been a surplus in Scottish public spending in only nine years out of the last 27.”

Many Scots wonder why the news from many “Scottish “ media outlets such as; the BBC, STV, the Scotsman, the Glasgow Herald, the Daily Record, the Sun etc seem to misrepresent, distract attention from or to keep schtum about;

Scandals executed by Westminster government against our government, resources, people, and nation-state, Scotland’s true financial position either with or without independence and with or without oil or with or without anything else and the extent to which it is ravished, imposed experimental dodgy taxes or laws, Scotland’s peoples identity and constitutional opinion, the SNP’s swelling support and success, the SNP’s electoral position in the recent European elections and the SNP’s electoral position in the Glasgow North East by-election, Polls which favor the SNP, whether or whether not it is a good idea to dump everyone else’s nuclear waste in our hills or have old leaky nuclear subs full of radioactive weapons of mass destruction floating and sinking around in our rivers, our troops being sent to die on distant, foreign lands fighting someone else’s illegal wars, secret documents released under freedom of information from Westminster vaults revealing the extent of collaboration and anti-Scottish policy Gavin Mc Crone’s Secret Document 1974, moving borders and boundaries around. How Scottish Labour and Liberals made 6,000 miles of Scottish Sea English in 1999

Or even about the broad based, vast majority, public support for a referendum on whether Scotland should again become a sovereign, independent state?

We believe that the reason these outlets behave like this is that they are ran by Westminster (mainly Labour) placemen!

We believe that Scot’s should be wary of our Media because it is not really ours!

We also believe that this applies to other major Scottish institutions such as the NHS, the civil service, banks and other business and religious organisations who often meddle or interfere with and disrupt our political destiny!

We speak to redress this imbalance.

http://www.oilofscotland.org/mccrone_oil_reports.html
http://www.oilofscotland.org/scottish_politics.html
http://www.oilofscotland.org/scottish_north_sea_oil.html
http://www.oilofscotland.org/scotlands_secret.html
http://www.oilofscotland.org/scotlands_news.asp

http://www.oilofscotland.org/scotlands_future.html

VOTE YES YES in the referendum - as having the option of Scottish Independence on the table should the Conservatives get in England could save the Scottish population from a backlash of cuts and unfair treatment from a party that the Scottish People are more than likely not going to vote for.

James Higham said...

Meanwhile, we slip further and further under the EU yoke with ne'er a whimper. We speak of a Scottish Referendum but ignore our own. The EU, at the same time, has a raft of over 1000 laws ready to go for the former UK and they've reported a 0.7% non-compliance rate of their directives becoming national law.

Major pundits remain silent.

Lola said...

“If all North Sea oil revenues had been allocated to Scotland, there would have been a surplus in Scottish public spending in only nine years out of the last 27.”

No, there would not have been any 'surplus' at all. Your pathetic politicians would just have spent it - very badly. It's not tax that's the problem, it's government spending. Give any politician access to lots of money and they just spend it on pet projects to buy votes. Scots politicians are no better than any others. Given a sniff of controlling North Sea oil revenues they'd've blown the lot.

RantinRab said...

Whenever I hear some fucking idiot spouting "Scotlands Oil" I feel ashamed to be Scottish.

www.oilofscotland.org said...

Lola

The Norwegian Politicians have not blown there Oil Revenues. They have managed to save £259 Billion "that is enough to buy the Bank of England"

RantinRab

Get a Grip of yourself man.

The problem with Scottish Oil is that it is spent by English Politicians like a kid raiding the sweetie that belongs to someone else. Margaret Thatcher sold the mining rights over Scotland's oil to the oil companies to make a quick buck.

Why because in the 1970's Labour party had just about bankcrupt the UK (sound familiar) then Margaret took the quick buck option with the oil bonanza. Never the less the Oil money stopped the country going bankcrupt.

If England never had Scottish Oil it would be currently bankcrupt.

Therefore the problem with Scottish Oil is it is in English Hands.

VOTE YES YES because having the option of Independence on the table is the only power the Scottish People will have against a conservative party that will have no reason to show the Scottish people any mercy from tax cuts and injustices as the Scottish People will not vote for a Conservative Government.

www.oilofscotland.org said...

I think you should both read the Mc Crone Report on Scotland's economy prospects in the 1970's.

A PDF file sits at the top of this page.

http://www.oilofscotland.org/

www.oilofscotland.org said...

Scotland is sitting on another bonanza the Wind of Scotland, Waves of Scotland and Water of Scotland.

If Scotland becomes Independent, it would not take nearly as much cash to maintain 5 million people opposed to 72 million.

Therefore the current major surplus in the Scottish Economy (£2.3 billion) would increae and this additional money could be used to make the Green Energy production Scottish, opposed to American.

Therefore making the Scots and the English through the prosperity of Scotland even more money than OIL & GAS.

As Scotland has the potential to make enough Green Energy to power a quarter of Europe.

http://www.oilofscotland.org/start_the_green_revolution.pdf

This is called basic economics, i.e. attract manufacturing to the country as manufacturing is the power house of any economy it is the dog and everything else is the fleas.

This scenario could still be undertaken without Independence as if the people of Scotland voted for DEVO MAX, Scotland would control its own financial affairs.