Friday, March 05, 2010

For the love of chips

When I read this story about the government wanting to interfere with the size of chips—found over at JuliaM's place—I was going to write something sweary and exasperated. Fortunately, The Daily Mash got there first.
GORDON Brown last night added the size of chip shop chips to his list of things to dick about with.

As the government's healthy eating experts told chip shops to increase the size of their chips by 32.7%, across the county 58 million people said 'oh for the love of fucking Christ' in perfect unison.

A spokesman for the Food Standards Agency said chips 32.7% bigger than average have less saturated fat, can form part of a balanced diet and blah, blah, fucking blah, his whiny little voice piercing the stillness like a red hot needle of unbelievably annoying dickishness.
...

And Charlie Reeves, a chip eater from Stevenage, said: "What are you doing? Seriously, what do you think you're doing?"

"I've had a hard day at work and I am just trying to have a bag of chips, you utter fucking prick."

He added: "I'm telling you right now - fuck the deficit, the environment, Afghanistan and the NHS. I will vote for whichever politician says this exact sentence - 'Chip shops can serve chips in whatever size they want'.

"I'm so tired."

Meanwhile, in a small cafe in Doncaster, van driver Martin Bishop placed his knife and fork gently next to his plate of haddock and chips, dragged his hands wearily down his face and added: "What? What the fuck is it now?

"Oh Jesus Christ, can I just have my dinner? I'm begging you. Can I just. Please. Have. My fucking. Dinner?"

Do I sense some slight desperation in this Mash article? I think I do. And it can only be because The Daily Mash is a satirical website and this cunting fucking government is now pretty much beyond satire.

And you know what? In order to win the election by a landslide, all David Cameron has to do is to promise (credibly) that this kind of shit will not happen under a Tory government...

...

...

Uh, Dave...? Dave, that was your cue...

Hello...?

23 comments:

caesars wife said...

had me laughing , I mean its about right isnt it !

DocBud said...

If Monty Python (PBUT)had come up with a sketch on the "Chip Inspector" we'd have hosed ourselves at the total absurdity.

Time to march on Parliament demanding they leave our acrylamides alone

Rob F said...

Absolutely spot on.

As my ex-wife's uncle Jimmy once said, he doesn't smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish because he's unaware that it's bad for him. He does it because although he might live five years longer if he takes up jogging, yoga and eating lentil-flavoured yoghurt, what's the fucking point if he dies feeling miserable?

I exercise regularly and drink green tea (am I being good, nanny)? But I also start each morning with a coffee (milk and two sugars) and a fag, don't ever bother drinking unless I can get totally pissed, and love things like fish and chips, and bacon butties.

These NuLabour twats would probably interpret my lifestyle as meaning that the taxpayers' money that they've pissed up the wall so far on telling us how to live has been moderately successful, but that they'll have to tax and spend some more in order to get me to give up the evil chips, cigs and excess alcohol units (probably redefined soon as anything more than half a shandy per week).

Nope, Gordon - I already knew what was good for me, and that was WITHOUT watching your bloody adverts, and having Gillian fucking McKeith examine my stool samples every day.

It's just that I'd quite like to enjoy my life, even if I do give the occasional nod to a healthy lifestyle now and then. It being, you know...MY life, and all.

Oops, I forgot...my body and mind belong to the state. Quick, send me to the re-education camp!

North Northwester said...

On a darker note, the Labour 'government' wants to make fun things bigger for our own good - voluntarily at first, but later, no doubt, through compulsion.

It's a dangerous precedent, and as principles go - gentlemen - may I suggest we take up violent insurrection before it is applied to us all by feminists?
The phrase 'dangerous and unnecessary surgery' springs to mind.

JuliaM said...

That 'Daily Mash' article really is a thing of beauty...

NNW, expect no support for your proposal. Most of the male bloggers will confodently declare that they expect any such legislation will not apply to them... ;)

North Northwester said...

Julia; true, and rightly so.

But 'unnecessary' is the operative word here as it is with,oh, 85% of the uncamouflaged part of the British State's personnel and activities.

Anonymous said...

The Mash has gone from a poor imitation of The Onion to a premier source of British written satire.

Of course, once the Tories get in all the oh-so-righteous Lefties will be desperate for the satire shows on TV to start having a go again.

Vicola said...

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH, ENOUGH. It's all there is left to say. There's now so much utter crap emanating from Westminster that there isn't time enough in the day to analyse it all.

Letters From A Tory said...

"pretty much beyond satire"

The Daily Mash has been blurring the lines between reality and fantasy for a long time now.

Tim Worstall said...

Eeek!

I read the D Mash thing (of course) and thought that they had deliberately thought up something so absurd that not even this government would try it....

David Davis (Libertarian Alliance) said...

British Citizens demand smaller government, "to avert creeping tyranny crisis"....

Seriously, people - wake up.

It's people like many of the readers of this paper who, over the years, have failed to not vote for political parties which promise "new laws to tackle [something or other]".

It's also people like you (and me, I too am guilty when I was working) who have _/failed/_ to loudly criticise - on and on and on - departments of universities and colleges and schools, which have actually willingly HIRED dons and teachers who profess this very sort of stuff!

So it "gets into the body-politic", and soon, it becomes what we call "received wisdom", and it thus refashions the terms of public discourse....which is what the interfering Gramscians have frankly admitted that they wanted all along...

...and so we are here...

Anonymous said...

Cameron knows sacking the parasites will cost votes.
As under filthy traitor liebour there are millions of the fuckers.

microdave said...

"this kind of shit will not happen under a Tory government..."

I think the Daily Mash could also do something with that....

The Filthy Smoker said...

If the food industry told the government to fuck off it would have the support of 90%+ of the population. Instead, this is what they do:

Douglas Roxburgh, president of the National Federation of Fish Fryers, slammed the move as ''ill-thought out'' and ''over the top''.

He said: ''They should be concentrating on fast food outlets who make the thin French fries, not the traditional independent chip shop."


No, no, and thrice no you useless, in-fighting twats. Stop using these things as an excuse to get a competitive advantage. Throw the whole lot back in government's face and tell them to swivel twice.

''We will be opposing this as much as we can until they make it a level playing field and start asking McDonalds, KFC and Burger King to change their chip sizes too.

Ah, the fabled level-playing field. As requested by the pubs in relation to supermarket booze. And as requested by the pubs before the smoking ban. That worked out real well for them, didn't it? There already is a level-playing field, you cunts, it's called the free market.

I'm so sick of these do-it-to-Julia business groups trying to get the bullies to pick on someone else. If they joined forces and argued on principle rather than on temporary self-interest, this could all have been stopped a long time ago.

Cailleach said...

".....all David Cameron has to do is to promise (credibly)....."

Funniest bit in the whole post.

Bristol Dave said...

For a while, the Daily Mash has been absolutely spot on about most things (and particularly on form over the last couple of weeks).

Proof if it were needed, that (as you said) the government is beyond satire.

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Chalcedon said...

Just shows you that, at heart, the Food Standards Agency is run by a bunch of twats!

Anonymous said...

look - all this is just so silly. Chips, FFS??? Not with my (taxpayer's) money. Surely the litmus test shd be that we don't all go 'FFS ?@*£$??!!!' every time a new 'policy' is announced? If it passes the 'FFS test', it survives pro tem. If not, bring on the hempen lamp posts. And the election . . .

assegai mike said...

All Hail the Mash! which outstripped the Onion yonks ago. If Cameron twigged that for every parasite non-vote he won't get anyway, multiples from elsewhere will accrue. Dolt.

Anonymous said...

Isn't this just another made-up Daily Mail story?

Mr A said...

Well said Filthy Smoker.

We have lost 10% of our pubs in 2.5 years because of industry in-fighting and the likes of Wetherspoons supporting issues like the Smoking Ban (worked out well for them, eh? They obvioulsy thought they'd be quids-in with their rancid smokefree creches, but have you seen their share price recently?).
Booze companies and food manufacturers need to take a concerted stand against these Government-funded fake charities and tell them where to go. The people are behind them (it's called "buying their products"), they just need to show some bollocks.

stevie said...

I want to emigrate to 1956. I hate this fucking country as it is now. Fuck em - im gonna go out later and smoke and drink even more than usual - which is a lot.Why do we put up with all this stinking horse shit? And wetherspoons are a right bunch of wankers too. In their free in house rag they were dead against the smoking ban for a while and then suddenly,one issue they were all for it. What happened there,Tim Martin, you twat?