Friday, June 05, 2009

Liveblogging the Cabinet Reshuffle

Except there isn't any fucking reshuffle. All Gordo seems to have done is filled the empty spots along the trench where Blears, Smith, Purnell and Hutton had stood until they decided, not unreasonably, that charging the machine guns was preferable to another year under the command of the gibbering madman in the command bunker, "Melchett" Brown. Even then, as Ben Brogan rightly notes, Purnell glanced behind him as he went over the top, only to find his cabinet colleagues studiously avoiding his eyes as they wiped each others' blood off their bayonets.

(N.B. I am not the Devil's Kitchen.)

As for this letter that may or may not be circulating round Labour MPs calling for Cyclops to go, the email address that co-conspirators were supposed to contact to express support - signonnow@hotmail.co.uk, apparently - got leaked, and so the fuckwits behind all this are now getting comedy emails from the likes of "alistairdarlingisacunt@gmail.com" and "fuckyou_youmonocular_twat@hotmail.com". Talk about the shitest coup plot in political history.

Hilariously, having briefed all week that he was going to fuck Darling and replace him with Balls, Brown now finds that he does not have enough blood surging into his cock to actually do the deed, and so the badger-faced fanny stays in situ with, one presumes, a seething Balls ringing up to cancel the delivery vans as we speak. Pitiful. Say what you like about Caligula, the historical figure that our PM is increasingly coming most to resemble, but at least he actually had enough authority to make his fucking horse a consul.

And so we have... well, what? The Postman shunted into the Home Office - a nominal promotion, sure, but also a poisoned chalice. Hutton steps down with a cockamamy story about wanting to spend time with his family and carefully chosen words of support, thus inviting us to forget that he called it right long before Blair ever stepped down by saying that Gordo would be a "fucking disaster" as PM - though it didn't stop him, naturally, from voting for him in the shameful sham 'election' in which the hapless Fifer was crowned by acclamation. (These bastards got us into this mess, and now they don't have the brain cells between them to find a way out of it.)

We round things off with a few assorted dullards and non-entities being promoted to the front ranks as new cannon-fodder - or, as Obo puts it, "a selection of dimbulbs, fuckwits, prodnoses, makeweights, morons, twats and cunts have either resigned or failed to resign and an even less impressive selection of halfwits, lightweights, windowlickers, vegetables and nonentities have been called in to fill in the gaps" - and that's about it so far. Oh, and, most ludicrous of all, Sir Alan Sugar joining the team as "Enterprise Tsar", with Richard and Judy no doubt on the point of taking over the International Development brief. Jesus, talk about polishing a turd.

Really, this man is utterly hopeless. What is this, the great fightback? It's as if Sir Alex Ferguson, finding his team 2-0 down in a cup final, decided to roll the dice by putting John O'Shea in at centre forward. These are the sort of people you'd be disappointed to find running your local water board, let alone the great offices of state. Yet it looks at this moment, incredibly, as though Brown may stagger on, like the Black Knight in Monty Python's Holy Grail whose pointless belligerence is undimmed by the realisation that all his limbs have been cut off.

You see, the thing is that Prime Ministers cannot carry on, so we are told, once their authority is shot. Resignations, like those we've seen this week, fatally undermine their credibility, turn them into a laughing stock. But the problem here is that Brown was already all of those things - a walking joke, an empty shell, a grunting, monosyllabic pillar of shit. How do you undermine something that has already lost all visible means of support? How do you discredit a punchline?

The Tories must be loving this, and it would be wildly dishonest of me not to admit to a planet-sized case of schadenfreude. But, while this goes on, we have the worst of both worlds; a government that is doing nothing, passing no laws, promoting no real (as opposed to imagined) programmes or initiatives, yet still siphoning off grotesque amounts of our money to fund its wasteful schemes. While this goes on, we are effectively - at least in political terms - a failed state. In Normandy tomorrow, Prince Charles will have more bloody legitimacy. What a sorry spectacle we are.

Much as I'm enjoying the long, drawn-out death agony of this government of shallow, self-serving, corrupt bastards, it really is time that they put us out of their misery. Enough already.


(cross-posted from Mr Eugenides)

23 comments:

Francis said...

It seems to me that the Cameroon probably wants Gordon to stagger on for a while.

Rob said...

I thought Caligula made his horse a senator but didn't actually appoint him Consul.

Rob said...

"a government that is doing nothing, passing no laws, promoting no real (as opposed to imagined) programmes or initiatives"

Not all bad then.

BTW, it looks like the thieving scum are going to wriggle out of criminal charges:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8085207.stm

One rule for them, another Law for us.

Mr Eugenides said...

That's true, Rob... my bad! A sneaky edit, people.

David Davis said...

We don't want governments to "pass laws". That's been the entire problem for 140 years: they have begun to think it's what they are for.

We should strike down all "laws passed", without any exception, since 1980 at the very most recent.

Or 1922.

Or about 1215 actually.

Then we should start again, and see what's actually needed in the light of the 21st century, as opposed to just making bad laws to spin a result for hard cases, a-la-the-dangerous-dogs-act, for example (and we thought _that_ was bad! That was the 909s, we were nowhere so far down the cesspool then!)

We ought to be very conservative too, about what is actually needed.

David Davis said...

It is embarrassing to be a Failed State - yes I know.

But we are libertarians, and so we also know that the State does not matter so long as The People have true sovereign individual power. The State can't derive it from anywhere else...and we can still trade, buy, sell, decide, do, not do, talk, write and just go on living.

Gareth said...

"and so the fuckwits behind all this are now getting comedy emails from the likes of "alistairdarlingisacunt@gmail.com" and "fuckyou_youmonocular_twat@hotmail.com""

Stop sending them then!

"In Normandy tomorrow, Prince Charles will have more bloody legitimacy. What a sorry spectacle we are."

There just happens to be some paratroopers in the region. Get the Navy to provide the landing craft and have them come from Normandy to take Southampton then work their way towards the capital. The resistance stands ready to disrupt Government movements against our liberators.

James Higham said...

Eh? What are you doing here? I was about to go over your way.

Ian B said...

government that is doing nothing, passing no laws, promoting no real (as opposed to imagined) programmes or initiatives,

That's a Bad Thing is it? Care to explain why?

John East said...

This has been a laugh, at least up until Brown pissed me off by forcing out my favourite Blair Babe totty. I'm now heartbroken at the loss of Caroline.

How can we ever listen to the demented outpourings of New Labour again without the eye candy?

Anonymous said...

Do keep up.

He's the "best man for the job" and "getting on with the job".

p.s. England can play cricket.

Anonymous said...

Trouble is, fascistic measures in new laws like the Jackboot twin's Coroners bill and Criminal injustice bill, are slouching thru parliament towards the statute book, despite the imploding of Gordo's vile little gang.

And ZanuLiebour's Injustice ministry and home office have time for at least one more repression stuffed "Xmas tree" bill each before they are ejected-if they avoid a 2009 election.

The Filthy Smoker said...

It's as if Sir Alex Ferguson, finding his team 2-0 down in a cup final, decided to roll the dice by putting John O'Shea in at centre forward.

To be fair, the lad O'Shea has a keen eye for goal, making him a valuable addition to any fantasy football side, as displayed in first leg of the Champions League semi-final.

Mark Wadsworth said...

What John East said.

Ian B said...

If I had to put money on it, I'd bet that Blears is the fuckbunny. Goes like the clappers, doesn't say no to anything, wakes you early the next morning for an encore, pottymouth, bet you anything.

My guess is that Flint makes you feel like it's an enormous favour, with Harman it'd be a Dworkinite political rally, and Smith hides beneath the covers unwilling to remove her big knickers.

But that Hazel Blears, she's a dirty, dirty girl. Bet you anything.

RAB said...

Squirrel Nutkin

Really likes fuckin

From her head to her toes

anything goes

And Gordon doesn't know what he's been missing!

Sorry!
Couldn't help it!

RAB

crackers said...

Sugar - another inspired appointment from The Variety Club.

Sugar late of Tottenham Hotspur.

Sugar a £200,000k donor to NuLab in 2002 when his Viglen company made an approved Govt supplier.

Sugar a third rater like Robinson and Myners.

Shug Niggurath said...

Signed the general election petition yet?

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/GoToCountryNow/

Resign one still going too:
http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/please-go/

Rob said...

I'm with FS. I'd go for:

It's as if Sir Alex Ferguson, finding his team 2-0 down in a cup final, decided to roll the dice by putting John Prescott in at centre forward.

On another note, Alan Sugar and Glenys Kinnock ennobled and made ministers - who needs to be elected these days? Gorgon knows all about that, of course.

Anonymous said...

Caligula .. had enough authority to make his fucking horse a consul

Glenys Kinnock ennobled

And the difference is ??

Mark M said...

It's amazing, but Labour have actually managed to give us a PM that you cannot discredit. How do you discredit a man who had no credibility to start with? How do you undermine the authority of a man who never had any authority?

The reason we can't get rid of him is because all we are doing is showing up that Brown is a c*nt. But he always has been a c*nt, so nothing has changed. It's all he has ever been and we cannot use it to force him out.

It's going to be one long year til the next election if we don't get rid of him by Monday. Roll on the Norwich by-election.

Wonga Wallah said...

The people are fed up with an unelected Scotsman dictating policies that steal jobs and homes. The Outlaw Gordon Brown is one way to put it.

Chalcedon said...

And now some twat finds an e mail from Mandleson saying McBroon was an incompetent twat..........18 months ago. Hey ho. Will he survive until Wednesday?