Then the mad, one-eyed, Scots bastard decided, unilaterally, that he was going to ignore the review and propose his own solution—a solution that was described eloquently by The Daily Mash.
PRIME minister Gordon Brown has surprised Westminster by somehow managing to make the scandal over MPs' expenses even worse than it already was.
Mr Brown has proposed abolishing the controversial £24,000 a year second home allowance and replacing it with a £25,000 a year dragging-your-fat-arse-into-work allowance.
Under the old scheme MPs would have to submit receipts to the Commons authorities, thereby allowing the public to at least speculate on the titles and content of the pornography.
Under the new scheme MPs will get around £170 a day just for being where they are supposed to be, but crucially will not have to submit receipts, allowing them to use taxpayers' money to watch as many Hungarian donkey films as they want.
Of course, many of us do get an allowance for turning up for work: it's called a fucking salary. And an MPs' salary is twice that of mine, even if they don't have some fucking extra make-work joke-job to boost that fat paycheck.
Julia Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, said: "I've been up all night racking my brains and I cannot, for the life of me, work out how he managed to fuck this up.
"The key task here was to stop giving MPs lots and lots of free money, or at least make sure that when they got the free money they didn't use it to take the utter piss.
"But what he has actually done is guarantee them even more free money while at the same time - and this is the bit that I love - making it even easier for them to take the piss."
She added: "For a man who has set new benchmarks in being an unmitigated fucking catastrophe, this could be the crowning moment of his career."
Well, it might indeed have been the crowning moment of Gordon's catastrophic career—except that, in typical fashion, our Cyclopean PM has topped it by not being even able to get anyone to support his ludicrous solution.
The government has abandoned plans for a vote on scrapping MPs' second homes allowance, it has announced.
Gordon Brown's plan to replace it with a flat-rate daily allowance failed to win support from the Tories, Lib Dems and many backbench Labour MPs.
Absolutely fucking insulting though Brown's Sign In and Sod Off (SISO ©EU Parliament members) idea was, I have no faith that MPs failed to support it out of any sense of duty or good conscience.
The real reason that these troughing bastards did not want this solution (or any solution) is that a good many of them have been exploiting the expenses system in order to fund extended property portfolios at our expense.
Since any reform means they might have to maintain those portfolios at their own expense, then they might actually have to sell the properties—and they know that, right now, they aren't going to get top dollar.
The prime minister said "swift reform" was still needed and asked standards watchdog Sir Christopher Kelly to bring forward his report on expenses to July.
But Sir Christopher warned that the issues involved were "not simple".
Yes, they are; the issues are elementary, in fact: quite simply, MPs have been systematically abusing the expenses system for personal gain, and we've had enough.
The solution is quite simple: we will accept nothing but private rental receipts, for properties in London, up to a maximum of, say, £180 per week. Further, MPs are not allowed to get their spouse to "buy" a property and then rent that.
Any bastard MP caught breaking the rules will be liable, at a minimum, to repayment of all monies from their personal income; however, it should be routine that MPs breaking the rules are prosecuted for fraud and corruption in high office. Penalties would include incarceration, swingeing fines and being barred from public office.
This might be harsh but, like naughty children, MPs have proven that they simply cannot be trusted. Basically, we went away on holiday and, at their own request, trusted the teenage MPs to look after the place: and we came back to find that they had taken the opportunity to have an expressly-forbidden party, trash the house, drink all of the good booze and get their sister pregnant.
As such, these cunts are going to be grounded, fined and never trusted again. And, let's face it, if any MP was not abusing the second homes allowances, then they are hardly going to object to its reform: if they were abusing it, then fuck'em, frankly—they are exactly the people that we are targeting.
What is the difficulty here, exactly?