On her selection as the Labour candidate for East Worthing and Shoreham, aged 17, her achievement was overshadowed by cries of nepotism. For, if you haven’t yet gathered, Emily Benn, now 19, is the latest member of the Benn family to enter the political fray. Her grandfather is Tony Benn, her uncle the Right Honourable Hilary Benn MP, Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs, and no fewer than four previous generations of her family have been MPs. And if Gordon Brown calls an election this year, she looks set to be the youngest ever candidate to fight for a seat in Parliament.
Emily Benn is destined to be a politician.
Well, that is as good a fucking reason as I can think of for not letting her become one, but never mind.
Only when discussing her experiences in her sixth form does Emily seem vulnerable. Her eyes well up and she struggles to control her voice while recounting the bullying she endured in her final year. “I had some problems at school. There were some really awful kids, who did and said some awful things, such as writing that I was a ‘fat git’ on Wikipedia, which took me three weeks to get taken down. They made me very miserable and I cried all the time.”
Actually, come to think of it, if she gets elected, it might be rather fun: it might be a giggle imagining her weeping into her cornflakes of a morning.
She was also receiving abuse on weblogs such as the Devil’s Kitchen, which wrote, “What makes this little s*** think that, at 17, she knows f***ing anything at all?”
Indeed I did, and I stand by every word. Just in case you missed it, here is what I said, in context.
What the fuck? Look, at the age of 30, I am pretty sure that I know what I believe in, but I have undergone a substantial change in the last few years. I was hardly ignorant, but I have learned an awful lot about politics, economics and history which has expanded my understanding; I have picked up figures and the best places to find others. I have raged and I have been corrected; I have entered debate and been educated.
What makes this little shit think that, at 17, she knows fucking anything at all? I didn't. What bunch of lunatics selected her? She hasn't even been to university, or held down a proper job. She has no idea what tax is, or what living on your own is like. In short, she doesn't have a fucking clue what life is like; the last thing that I want is some stupid little schoolgirl telling me what I should be doing with my life when all she has done is to leave school and go straight into a piss-easy, fat-arse job paid for by me.
I hope that she loses humiliatingly. And then she'll cry in public and fuck off to do something worthwhile before, maybe, trying again; in about 20 years' time when she actually has a fraction of a fucking clue what she's talking about.
Piss off, you little shit.
Of course, the next post that wrote about her was an apology when it came to light that she had stated on her CV that she "campaigned extensively for Tony Benn in Chesterfield" in the 1992 election—when she was aged... er... two. (This flagrant untruth is repeated in this article but ameliorated to "she recalls going on the campaign trail with her grandfather when she was two years old in Chesterfield.")
A few days ago, I laid into Emily Benn, suggesting that her youth—and the fact that she is still at school—might have in some way made her utterly unfit to go into the House of Commons.
I now realise that, by virtue of being able to tell a big, fat, stinking, fucking lie without even showing one iota of shame, Ms Benn is, in fact, entirely suited to join the other fat, corrupt liars in the House of Commons.
In fact, she may show them to new heights of contempt and distain for those who elected them, and introduce them to novel ways of telling massive lies without feeling any kind of guilt whatsoever.
The Devil's Kitchen apologises unreservedly for implying that Ms Benn was not suitable for Parliament; further The Devil would like to make it clear that he feels that her chutzpah and standards of lying set her on a straight course to be a minister within days of her inevitable election.
On the subject of this inexperienced twit being stupidly young, Gary Andrews suggested that we didn't maintain that footballers were too young to play, whilst your humble Devil pointed out a number of problems with this analogy...
There are places in this country where you could stick a red rosette on a stinking fucking turd and people would still vote for it, repeatedly: we know this to the case, because we have only just got rid of Prescott. In other words, no matter how many people claim that they vote for their local MP, most people actually vote down party lines irrespective of the skill of the candidate. You cannot get much further away from the fottballing analogy in this case.
Second, and very importantly, the footballer is not running in order to control the lives of every other footballer and fan in the country; the politician is.
Third, the footballer has to earn his money, by being skillful. No matter how crap, silent or appalling the politician, they still get paid a big, fat wedge of taxpayers cash as a salary, plus another great big wedge in expenses, plus another great big wedge in allowances, plus another great big wedge in the form of a tax-payer guaranteed, gold-plated pension.
If they are especially crap or corrupt, they may get voted out; however, this is only likely in the hundred or so marginal seats. They may get deselected by the local association; but, generally, the politician will have to have been caught fucking a kid whilst stuffing special interest money up his own backside for that to happen.
In other words, whilst football fans may say "if you’re old enough, you’re good enough" (a meaningless fucking phrase anyway), in terms of politics that just won't wash; a footballer has to prove himself at every, single game: a politician need only stir themselves every five years or so.
They are, almost without exception, a waste of time and money.
Your humble Devil would like to thank the unfortunately-named author of the Times article, Alexis Skinitis (CiF profile), for the mention: it has given me the opportunity to resurrect some very enjoyable posts—and I stand by every word—and swelled my ego.
Oh, and that Emily Benn idiot is still too fucking young: go get some life experience, lass, before you aspire to tell me what to do with mine, and before you pick my pocket to do so.