"Now what the fuck...

... is this shit?" is a phrase that I seem increasingly prone to using because nothing else will do.

So, via The Longrider, seriously, what the fuck is this shit?

Consumers will have to satisfy themselves with four small portions of meat and one litre of milk a week to slow down escalating climate change, a major new report has warned.

Yeah? Really? What escalating fucking climate change, you fucking morons? I don't know which fucking planet you cunts are living on, but in my world it's absolutely fucking Baltic, frankly. It's energy-sappingly cold and this is, apparently, to do with the decadal current switch, or some such arse; a decadal current switch which was not predicted in any of the fucking doom-laden models that these cunting climate wankers are working off.

So, I ask again: given that we have seen temperatures drop really quite rapidly since the high of 1998—using the satellite measurements that are rather more cocking accurate than the bollocks land record that Arseface Hansen and his clique of tosspots are desperately clinging to—where the fucking cunt is the imminent destruction of the planet that we were promised, eh?

I was quite looking forward to chucking that miserable monocular cunt of a Prime Minister into a boiling English Channel; at the very least I was hoping for a warmer sea environment so that I could lob the fat, useless, Cyclopian fuckwit to a pack of ravening Tiger Sharks. Or, just maybe, some tropical weather to make Britain a little more fucking comfortable.

Fuck you and your cunting non-existant, mythological, anthropogenic climate change scam. Fuck you right in the fucking ear, you dozy bastards.

The study also recommends a cut in consumption of low nutritional value foods such as alcohol, chocolate and sweets, to reduce greenhouse gas emissions caused by their production, along with a return to wartime practices of shopping on foot, buying local products and cooking in bulk.

Basically, this report was written by a bunch of socialist fuckwits, yearning for the fucking "Blitz spirit", wasn't it? Yeah, great idea, you mongs: let's all set up a table in the fucking street and cook our suppers together, why don't we?

Why don't we? Because I fucking hate most people and the last thing that I want to see when I get home from work is some lame-brained, pusillanimous moron telling me that, in order to save the environment, the only supper we're having tonight is lentil-infused mung bean stew and that, eee, I remember when this were all fields and isn't it just like the fucking Blitz when everyone got together and looked after one another. (And I doubt they'd want to listen to me telling what cunts they are, either.)

Fuck you, you life-sapping cunts: I will be your war-time spiv—delivering meat and sugar to your door, so that you can shovel it into your faces in an orgy of grateful guilt.

It concedes that people are unlikely to make such changes voluntarily, and so suggests caps on greenhouse gas emissions (GHG) and carbon pricing to control what food is available at what price.

Oh, right. As per fucking usual, it's a bunch of people who view themselves as the elite—and believe me, they are going to be ever so important; so whilst it's mung-bean broth for the rest of us, they will be gorging themselves on steak—proposing new laws and curbs on freedom (or what I like to call "force") to fight an entirely emphemeral—nay, mythical—crisis.

You know what'll be next, don't you? Well, I do, because we have already seen the newspaper reports suggesting that there is rampant climate change because people are living separately, rather than as families.

I mean, just think how much better for the planet it would be if we all lived in a few big communes. We could cut down on household emissions, and we'd have to start "cooking in bulk"; I imagine that we could always find lots of work for people to do too. In fact, we could call them "Work Camps".

And the whole scheme would be much easier for the politicians to administer too. Once we have got all of the worker units in one place, it would be much easier and cheaper to deliver public services and foster a sense of community.

Obviously, the fucking politicians wouldn't live there: they are far too important, you understand. Oh, and the scientists, working oh-so-diligently for the greater good, would obviously have to have more comfortable and secluded quarters (so that they might be able to think how to save us all, you understand).

Fuck you, you totalitarian arsehole cunts: the only thing that you are good for is a metaphorical and literal fisting.

Conducted by the Food Climate Research Network, based at the University of Surrey, the four-year study is one of the most thorough of its kind.

Yeah? I work in Surrey. Maybe I should take a slightly longer lunch and burn the fucking place to the ground.