Sunday, October 26, 2008

Hobson's choice

Via Longrider, I find that some miserable shithead called Theo Hobson has written an article about how James Bond is evil.
It feels like breaking rank with modern heterosexual British malehood, to which I more or less belong, but here goes. I hate James Bond. The continuation of his cult disgusts me, embarrasses me, depresses me. Yes, "cult" is the appropriate word. He embodies everything that's really awful about our national psyche. He mixes nostalgia with vulgarity, snobbery with hedonism. Because he's a semi-cartoon figure, caked in irony, he evades serious censure. Clever critics might sometimes scoff at the naffness, but the vast majority, including many intelligent ones, say stuff along the lines of "Cool!".

It's hard to dissent from this barrage of adulation. Call me Licensed to Killjoy, but it has to be said: this cult hero is a deeply malign cultural presence. He represents a nasty, cowardly part of us that ought to have been killed off long ago.

Of course there is a very serious case to be made against 007 on strictly feminist grounds. The women in the books and films are silly, naughty, flimsy things who need hard male mastery. I don't know how offensive this is to women, but it's offensive to me. Indeed I think the real victims of the Bond cult are men, who are impelled by a vile peer-pressure to worship at the shrine of this lethal lothario.

Theo Hobson, whoever the fuck he might be, is deeply offensive to me. And, one would hope, to all women too. Can you imagine being in a relationship with this tedious little turd? It would be hell, and utterly devoid of romance. Ugh.

People like Theo Hobson quite obviously consider all sex to be rape: the very idea that both men and women might actually enjoy sex is an anathema to this man. He is probably the kind of man who—thrusting ungracefully (tight with embarrassment, trying to get the whole thing over with quickly so as not to prolong his lady's pain)—does not murmur sweet nothings into his lover's ear, nor even heated cries of desire: no, Theo Hobson will be muttering, "sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

Either that, or he likes to slap women about and he is merely projecting his nastiness onto what is, let's face it, a fictional fucking character, Theo!

What a joyless shit he is. Still, there is a rather good comment underneath the piece-of-shit article...


Yes indeed, we can't be having any of that ironic fun business with our sex. Sex is a very serious matter.

I'm currently pitching my own movie in Hollywood. Titled Quantum of Angst, it tells the tale of New Age social worker Nigel Bond, a member of the Allotments Association who poses as a member of the Rotary Club in order to expose their plan to run a hosepipe from the Communal Tap to feed water to their bowling green sprinkler system. When a parsnip crop is badly damaged during a wheelbarrow altercation, Bond calls an emergency community committee meeting and the various parties agree to mediation. There are two sex scenes, both between Bond and his life-partner Frozilla Hemp, and any suggestion that sex might be fun has been carefully excised.

Nigel Bond will be played by Ally Fogg and Frozilla Hemp by Bond-girl Kathy Burke.

Indeed. Hobson's choice would be that scenario above: I'll take the irony and sexual fun, any day...

14 comments:

Panopticon Britain said...

He is officially no longer a man.

Tell him to stop by the office and hand in his penis.

Mark Wadsworth said...

Ah yes, but he's confusing humourless nonce Daniel Craig with towering comedy genius Timothy Dalton, the greatest Bond of all time.

Not Quite Hayek said...

I guess you didn't make it all the way to the end of his banal ramblings, otherwise you'd have surely picked up on this absolute gem of a line:

We ought to have learned by now that combining sex with ironic fun is dodgy. Anyone who fails to see a connection between Playboy bunny girls and paedophilia is culpably blind.

Sam said...

Something gives me the idea that Theo is probably also a vegetarian...

Katabasis said...

"We ought to have learned by now that combining sex with ironic fun is dodgy. Anyone who fails to see a connection between Playboy bunny girls and paedophilia is culpably blind."

Jesus wept tears of hate and skullfucked his own eyes out....there just aren't words to describe how angry this article has just made me...

Katabasis said...

Oh and what the fuck is "facist violence"? - Highly organised?

Nice typically uninformed Guardianista chatterati smear on Nietzsche there too.

This is the kind of thing that makes me want to take up swear blogging,.

John A said...

I suspect he was frightened at age 9 by seeing a bikini-clad Ursula Andress or some such.

Yes, about half of the women in the original stories were fluff. But the other 50%...

Martin said...

Mark,

Agreed. Dalton was the best. No other actor mimicked a headbutt with such panache.

Quantum of Impotence said...

Mr Hobson: do I hear the whine of jealousy? That someone might actually be having fun and it isn't you?

Better, it is a fictional character, too, having fun with other fictional characters. Oh the shame of it!

Well, the Left teaches us that rather than all of us have fun, so much better to make sure no one does. There, equality gained. No more Bond, no more pleasure.

Larry Teabag said...

It's a shame that he got sidetracked by dodgy, guilt-ridden social commentary, because his central point - that James Bond is a crock of shit - is bang on the money.

Rob said...

You want a real hero, like the Left has - a torturing, mass-murdering psychopath like Che Guevera, for example.

Miss Snuffleupagus said...

Funny post. Also funny how only men have commented on here...

I love James Bond. And his women love him too. In fact, don't ALL women love James Bond?? I can't see where the problem is.

Chalcedon said...

Rosa Klebb was a bit of fluff was she?

blondegirl said...

He has obviously never met any women. There is nothing more insanely pleasurable and sexually liberating than being in the company/hands/bed of a confident, worldly alpha male. In my considerable experience they are by far the most satisfying and generous lovers. And it's nice to know that, should the need arise, they can shoot to kill.