Thursday, August 21, 2008

Not going out

(nb. I am not the Devil's Kitchen)

Via The Englishman, I see that many comrades are failing in their duty to be productive.

From the BBC:
Most people in England, Wales and N Ireland will spend the August Bank Holiday watching television, a survey has suggested.

Very wise. The traffic will be horrendous. Never leave your house on a bank holiday except in dire emergencies. There are people everywhere.
Some 36% said they were not interested in getting involved with community events or celebrating their heritage.

Of course they're not. It's a bank holiday Monday, for fuck's sake. It's the tail-end of a three-day bender. They've got work the next day. Leave them alone.
Researchers found most people said they preferred to watch television or use the internet, with just 14% opting to visit their family and friends, or walk in the countryside and only 9% said they would spend the day doing DIY.

"Only" 9% will be doing DIY? Is that bad? Is there a government target for this now?
According to James McCoy, whose company conducted the research:
"Brits are simply not proactive or spontaneous during their bank holidays, preferring to lounge around the house or catch up on some rest."

Well, aren't we naughty citizens? Listen Mr McCoy, you clipboard waving goon, have you ever tried doing something spontaneous on a bank holiday? Have you ever tried doing something spontaneous in this country? The roads are grid-locked. You could get a train, I suppose, but unless you book 3 months in advance you pay the special spontaneity surcharge which will bring the price into three figures. Fuck that. Stay in and watch all the Bond films back-to-back.
"The fact that we don't do anything on bank holidays could well reflect this lack of national purpose."

Look, dick-head, we work some of the longest hours in Europe. We get told what to eat, how much to drink and where we can smoke. We get filmed from the moment we step out the fucking door. Our working lives are ruled by petty bureacrats, money-grabbing politicians, faceless corporations and thick-headed bosses. Life is a veil of fucking tears culminating in infirmity, loneliness and cancer. Do you think that, just for one day, you could leave us alone?

Needless to say, this has all been inspired by another of the government's half-witted attempts at social engineering.
The survey findings follow calls for the August bank holiday to be turned into a national day to celebrate "Britishness".

How very spiffing. And what are we going to celebrate exactly? Beating the Bosh Boche? The battle of Waterloo? Geoff Hurst? Or would it, by any chance, be just another load of old bollocks involving the words "diversity" and "communities"?

From The Grauniad:
The August bank holiday could be turned into a "Great British weekend" that would allow people permission to celebrate everything they like about the country, and help frame the "progressive case for controlled immigration".

Another load of old bollocks it is then. Thanks for giving me "permission" to celebrate everything I like about the country, but, as it happens, one of the things I do like about this country is that I don't have to ask permission from you cunts to celebrate anything. And, by the way, you can make the "case for controlled immigration" all you want, you disingenuous set of bastards, but you know full well that you can't do anything about it. It's pretty tricky to control immigration when you don't have control of your own borders.

The BBC:
In June, Immigration Minister Liam Byrne said the day could be used to hold street parties, show films and listen to a speech from the Queen to create a sense of unity within communities.

What the fuck? Is the war still on? A bit of bunting a few words from her majesty! And they're going to show us films! How very jolly! We can all have cake and watch a nice film that preaches strength through unity. Jesus, has it really come to this? Dragged away from the television to watch government-approved films? State-sponsored recreation to teach us how marvellous multi-cultural Britain is. Party on.

The problem with celebrating Britishness is that no one has the faintest idea what it is, least of all the desperate scoundrels of the Labour party who are using it as the proverbial last refuge. This weekend, as this survey shows, some people will be seeing friends, some will be walking in the countryside, some will be watching TV, some will be on the internet, some will be with their family and some will be doing DIY. Others will be at a festival, down the pub, playing sport, clubbing, going to church, watching football or flying to Europe. That's what Britishness is about. 61 million people doing what they want to do without demanding that others do the same. That is diversity. Britishness is what the British do, nothing more and nothing less. It is not what we used to be and it is certainly not what our soon-to-be-deposed masters think we should be. As the Englishman says:
I don't want to be dragooned down to council organised "street parties to improve community relations." I just want the bloody day off, but then I'm a native here and that is how we think....

Quite. Fuck Liam Byrne, fuck his street-party, and if being British means subscribing to some fraudulent view of ourselves, then fuck being British too.


leg-iron said...

It's traditional on bank holidays to have it rain so hard there are puddles in the gravel. It's traditional to sit in a car in said rain, motionless for twelve hours apart from an occasional false-hope surge forwards.

Most people know this and wisely decide to treat the bank holiday for what it is - a day off. Sleep till noon, slump unshaven in front of the computer or TV and revel in not having to go to work.

DIY? Most of those home improvement jobs are illegal under EU law. You can't even fit a new light switch yourself now. If I was asked about DIY, I'd never admit it, so I expect there are more than 9% planning to do something they shouldn't in their own home.

Besides, tools will surely be banned soon in case someone uses a hammer drill on a politician's head. Not that anyone makes one strong enough to get through.

Elusive Pimpernel said...

Bravo sir, bravo.

That said - I'm all in favour of street parties on the day that monocular cunt is prised out of Downing Street. Seeing the psychotic destroyed look on his face is likely to make my decade.

Gareth said...

"What the fuck? Is the war still on? A bit of bunting a few words from her majesty! And they're going to show us films! How very jolly!"

Bring back Pathe news reels and bully beef!(No, seriously. I'd much rather watch a news reel about developments around the Empire before the picture starts then an advert for 1FM.)

I'm sure those arseholes would love us to be on a war footing. Which reminds me, I haven't checked in with MI5 for a while. I wonder what the threat level is...

Surprise, surprise, it's SEVERE!

Anonymous said...

QF fucking T

HSLD said...

"Permission to celebrate"

That's how the unelected metropolitan liberal elite see us, isn't it ? their serfs, the little people, to be ruled firmly but benevolently by our moral and intellectual betters.

Their bullet riddled bodies should be hanging from lamposts.

Mac the Knife said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mac the Knife said...

EP: I really like that idea. I'm planning a post election barbecue for 2010 as we speak...

TFS: 'Beating the Bosh?'

It's boche old horse. *wanders off for a chota peg...*. Bloody spot on by the way.

The day I need to be taught how to be a brit by these ballbags I'll give up the will to live.

Budgie's euro-socialist zombie said...

You just can't get the serfs anymore. I mean at one time they used to be grateful for the advice we gave them: tugging their collective forelocks as a fitting tribute to socialist planning. Now you have to organise spontaneous street parties for them - but inexplicably they won't even take our advice now.

I once saw a film of the great socialist leader Kim il Sung teaching some of his peasants how to hoe. We could import some of his methods here - it would certainly put some discipline into our own feckless peasants.

Some schools of thought blame us for not explaining things to our serfs properly. But that cannot be the case because our world view is the only one possible. We try to educate them through the pages of the Guardian but not enough of them buy it, even though it is for their own good. Perhaps we could distribute free dvds of Ms Toynbee to advance the progressive cause. We will have to institute a new tax on every car over 10 years old, as a green measure, to pay for it.

mmm said...

The usual gobshites, with traditional double standards, condemn China for swamping Tibet with immigrants but cheer the legislated multiculturalism driving Britain into ghettos.
It is scary going out and about.
I shall hone my knitting skills.

Roger Thornhill said...


* unless it is a CFL, of course.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Fucking unbelievable. That Byrne cunt looks like a prime candidate for a bit of lamp-post decoration.

Hookers And Gin said...

Yes, we're wasting all our bank holidays. The perfect excuse not to give us anymore.

TBRRob said...

Another one of your great posts. Very well put.

Anonymous said...

Fucking excellent post. The Devil has spawned an angel.

Jones said...

The New Labour crowd just don't get it do they? You can't force happiness or celebration by government diktat. If people want to celebrate they will, but you can't make them.

Go down the road of compulsory festivals of 'Britishness' (Oh the irony) and you'll eventually end up using cattle prods to enforce attendance. That might prove a fete worse than death.

Rob said...

I don't know about you bastards, but I will be Celebrating Diversity in one of the particularly vibrant parts of our capital city, but then again I am quite, quite mad.

Nah. I'll be doing what everyone else is doing, bugger all, and smiling while I do it too. You hear that, Brown, you miserable Stalinist bastard? SMILING! Up yours.

Rob said...

"you'll eventually end up using cattle prods to enforce attendance. That might prove a fete worse than death."

The jelly and blancmange gulag.

TheFatBigot said...

When Gordon is away ministers have the chance to spout their really good ideas, the really really good ones they know Gordon won't like but which will launch them into the political stratosphere from which the only landing is behind the desk at Number 10.

And what do they come up with?

Oh dear god, it would be funny if it weren't so dangerous (and expensive).

deft said...

I'll be fucking working to pay my cunting tax.

Jackart said...

I'm going cycling with the Girlfriend. If that's Government approved, I may have to change my plans...

Henry Crun said...

I'm with the elusive pimpernel on this one....street parties all round when Groddom is turfed out of No10.

Unsworth said...

Nothing, but nothing, is more excruciating than enforced gaiety. The whole idea of a 'street party' where one is obliged to be pleasant to one's truly ghastly neighbours for no reason at all is too awful to contemplate. I spend my time avoiding the bastards. And then to have the whole thing orchestrated by The State or, maybe worse, The Council, would simply top it off.

If I hear of the slightest likelihood of such an event happening in our cul-de-sac I shall be mounting the Bren Gun on one of our upper front windows. It affords a very nice arc of fire. I'm quite certain that we have still enough ammunition to take most of the bastards with me.

Mitch said...

If they do that I shall work it and have the time off to suit me.Bunch of cunts.

Mark Wadsworth said...

We'll be following the great English traditions of watching telly and surfing the net.

Anonymous said...

All your bank holiday are belong to us!

xelent said...

Some crack tonight

Cocaine to wake me up on Saturday so I can get the washing done

Heroine to sleep it off until Sunday afternoon..

followed by a huge pizza, then beer and a smoke fest til 10pm

World of war craft Monday morning with the intermittent beer and sausage sarnie, followed by ironing a shirt and going to work on Tuesday

Can’t wait...

Centaur said...

Well said sir, well said.

bergen said...

In 30's Soviet Union the composer Shostakovich recalled that a celebration was like being hit on the head and told "your business is rejoicing".

He recalled the reaction was to stagger away stunned muttering "my business is rejoicing".

New Labour is not so new.

M V Smith said...

and some of us, especially in IT support, will be working

Anonymous said...

So I am being told to celebrate being British by some cunt called fucking "Liam"?