Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Slimmy water

I do love the Daily Mash, but I wonder if they might not have got their pathogens mixed up in this entry...
A FIRM which claims its bottled water can help with weight loss has been told to stop filling it with the ebola virus.

The makers of Slimmy Water claim drinkers can shed up to six stone in one week by filling their bodies with 'friendly bacteria'.

But scientists say the special slimming ingredient is nothing more than a particularly viscious strain of the deadly gastro-intestinal bug.

Dr Tom Logan, of Durham University, said: "It is a great way to fit into your favourite party dress, as long as you don't mind violently shitting yourself the entire time you're at the party."

The promotional material for Slimmy Water states: "Drink one bottle a day for a week and watch the pounds literally fall out of you!

"If you've not lost at least half your body weight within seven days, you'll get your money back and a free bottle."

One might expect such effects from E. coli or maybe any of the agents that cause dysentry; it should be pointed out, however, that one might find that the effects from ebola—although almost certainly involving some weight loss—are rather more permanent.

Still, people do do the strangest things; after all, who would have thought that people would want to inject one of the most effective neuro-toxins known to humanity into their faces, eh...?


JuliaM said...

That's almost as good as Anthony Worrall-Thompson's instructions to add henbane to your salads..!

leg-iron said...

They should sell the stuff at Westminster. There are several body weights there that could do with halving, and some that would be improved by being reduced to zero.

Mark Wadsworth said...


Chalcedon said...

Did you know that in Victorian times you could by a slimming 'pill' that worked. It contained tape worm eggs. So your new pet, Cedric the tapeworm, would 'eat' a fair proportion of your dinner, so you could eat away and lose weight.

Shigella dysinteriae can kill you too. Best stick with a good old fashioned tape worm.

When you hit your target, you can abandon Cedric to the U bend with a suitable vermicide from your local pharmacy.

The Daily Mash said...

Strange as it may seem, the Daily Mash isn't written for micro-biologists. Or cunts that point out spelling mistakes.

Vicola said...

I got dysentary on holiday once and I can confirm that it does indeed lead to a quite remarkable weight loss in a far shorter time than the traditional 'healthy diet and exercise' system. The downside is that you have to stay within 2 feet of a toilet as you receive very little notice of the next onslaught. You also have to go to some flea ridden shithole hospital to be rehydrated. Never tried Ebola though, think I might give it a miss.