Friday, August 22, 2008

The Devil rides out (to the Tory Conference)

I am not, I should point out, attending the Tory Conference per se: I shall be appearing at a Fringe event organised by Forest and the Freedom Association. It is a panel discussion, taking place at 2.30–4.00pm on Monday 29th September, entitled Freedom and the Internet.

The discussion will be chaired by Iain Dale, and my fellow panelists are Guido, Dizzy and—absolutely fucking hilariously—Mad Nad Dorries MP (which should be interesting given my previous comments on her over the last few months).

If you are going to be hanging around the Tory Conference—or, for some bizarre reason, Birmingham—then do feel free to drop in and hear me talk bollocks in person. More details to come soon...


leg-iron said...

Are they supplying you with a stab vest or do you have to bring your own?

Devil's Kitchen said...

"Are they supplying you with a stab vest..."

What do you think Mad Nad's there for...?


Nothos said...

It would be great to attend this, but I'm going to the Bruges Group fringe meeting instead...

Robert Arbon said...

hahaha, mental. Interested in the topic, interested in seeing Guido and your good selves. I'm there! Hopefully Dorries will hang herself after this event, preferably in front of everyone.

AlisdairC said...

Could someone please video it: I'd like to be able to replay Mad Nad's discomfort, and metaphorical (only metaphorical?) decapitation...

this is the fucking pinnacle of life said...

What is the procedure for getting in? Were I to attend, would I have to pay any fees for entry? I'm not made of money, & you're already looking at 2 trains & a whole load of drink. Also I've been using up holidays, & might need to save the few days I've got left in case something unavoidable comes up (whereas this is avoidable...). It's a shame, because I can imagine this being quite good.

Andrew Ian Dodge said...

Yes the prospect of Birmingham would not fill anyone with oodles of joy.

I do hope some videos the exchange.

rigger said...

'Could someone please video it: I'd like to be able to replay Mad Nad's discomfort, and metaphorical (only metaphorical?) decapitation'

x 2

Obnoxio The Clown said...

Three will get you five Mad Nad and DK wind up swapping fluids.

Anonymous said...


What a dick you are Dk. A libertarian smoker who clearly still doesn't give a fuck about non-smoker's right and liberty not to have to breath in noxious cigarette smoke.

I'm sure seeing you in the flesh would be highly amusing but I'm in that night sticking red hot pins in my eyes which is no doubt preferrable.

As a libertarian, I hope you'll feel free to find somewhere high to jump from you hypocritical cunt.

Devil's Kitchen said...


You are not a libertarian: fuck off and join the Tories.

If you were a libertarian, you would know that you do not have the right not to be offended -- and that applies to both words and the smell of cigarettes.

As to harm -- show me the report with original data (not that taken from another report) that shows that second-hand smoke has shown adverse health effects greater than the margins of error in the data. Oh, wait, you can't because there isn't one.

Now fuck off.


Anonymous said...


The problem of cigarette smoke has nothing to do with offence. It causes harm. Just because, for some inexplicable reason, reports have failed to show that secondhand smoke causes cancer doesn't mean that it doesn't cause harm.

I have experienced sore eyes, sore throat, headaches and a general malaise as the result of spending time in pubs filled with noxious tobacco smoke. That's real harm and, as a so-called libertarian, you should know that being a libertarian means not indulging in anything that would cause harm or distress to another person.

So, IMHO, you're no libertarian either. Either that or you're a total fucking moron. Your choice. I'm probably in the latter camp on your clearly limited intellectual prowess.

As I've said before, it's just a pity that smoking only kills half of all smokers and that it takes so long. Guess which half I hope you're in you stupid cunt.

FOAD yourself. Hopefully, in your case, it'll be slow and painful a la John Diamond ideally.

Unsworth said...

"I have experienced sore eyes, sore throat, headaches and a general malaise as the result of spending time in pubs filled with noxious tobacco smoke."

Yep, all of that, and sore foreskin too. An avoidance of pubs, loose wimmin and Penicillin is the answer!

As to the rest of your post..... Well it certainly caused me some sort of distress having to wade though it.

Are you the victim of some sort of State Education?

Anonymous said...

@unsworth and the other illiberal libertarian diseased smoking fucks who hang around here,

Why should non-smokers have to avoid pubs at all in order not to be made ill by smokers? Oh, and I swear I never touched your momma so I've never needed penicillin.

I'm glad you were distressed. Smokers need to be reminded at every opportunity of the likelihood of the slow, lingering, exceptionally painful death awaiting them at any time from probably their thirties on.

Sadly, I was a victim of a state education but I have to say that the benefits and rewards of my free education appear to have been considerably greater than those of poor DK's Eton education which, I assume, cost his mater and pater a pretty penny. Did you fag him at Eton perchance? I wouldn't be at all surprised. All those midnight games of spunky biscuit in the dorms after Evensong. How romantic!

How would you fancy a game of "Name Your Cancer"? I'll start: you will die slowly and painfully of cancer of the larynx. Other cancers to choose from include: Lung, Respiratory Tract, Upper Digestive Tract, Pancreas, Renal Pelvis, Bladder, Mouth, Pharynx (behind the nose), Larynx (voice box), Oesophagus (gullet), Stomach, Liver, Cervix and Kidney. I'm assuming you can cross cancer of the cervix off though. From here:

I'm hoping the guys here who spout off in extremely robust fashion about other people have the balls to take it when it's dished back out to them. I won't be disappointed to find that you don't though.

Cough on dudes;).

Devil's Kitchen said...


I know that this may come as a surprise to you, but non-smokers get cancer too. Do you eat meat, for instance? Well, you've just added a 63% higher chance of getting bowel cancer...

As Bill Hicks said, "I have news for you non-smokers out there who seem to harbour some kind of eternal life fantasy -- let me be the first to burst your little bubble.

"You're dead too. Aaaaaaahahahaha!"


Anonymous said...


I do eat meat but then I gotta eat. I don't gotta stick a little white tube of dried leaves in my mouth and set fire to my face. You guys do this for pleasure!?

Cancer is a bit of a lottery, 'tis true to say, so why increase your chances of "winning" by indulging in such a filthy habit in the first place? Is it cause you is fick?

I'm hoping to die quietly in my sleep rather than suffocate slowly hooked up to an oxygen bottle. YMMV.

Tim said...

so pubs weren't free to become non-smoking before the ban, and you weren't free to go there? you twat, anonymous

Anonymous said...


Fuck off Tim not-so-nice and Dim. The arguments as to why pubs weren't no-smoking for economic reasons are pretty damn obvious even for you. 25% of the population still smoke and the landlords were afraid of the unknown: would the business they lost make up for the business they would gain?

What it shows is that the pubs which suffer the most from the ban were the ones frequented mostly by smokers who drove non-smokers away. The non-smokers were, consequently unlikely to suddenly start visiting establishments where they didn't feel welcome before the ban.

The smokers have a choice of supporting their watering holes post-ban and retaining them or stop frequenting the pubs and watching them close. Seems a lot of smokers don't really care about their pubs after all since apparently so many of them are closing - according to the likes of Forest, etc.

Either way, I don't give a fuck. I don't go to pubs so often these days so I could care less.

The right side of the argument won. Live with it.

Tim said...

Since you don't visit pubs, you probably didn't notice that there were already a fair few non-smoking pubs around, particularly in areas with lots of pubs - its normally called something like 'competition', which, as expected, resulted in a wide range of pubs (smoking and non-smoking, food-serving and drink-only, etc) to cater to a variety of tastes.

It really was a lovely display of how people can think for themselves without our nosey bastard government sticking its ugly face in.

And do they not 'really care' about the pubs, or did they actually like going there more when they could behave as they wanted?

Anonymous said...


I can't say I noticed a huge choice of non-smoking pubs anywhere and I live in Central London. I can honestly say that, prior to the ban, I had never knowingly found myself in a non-smoking pub.

Where were all these non-smoking pubs then? Got any old information on where they were?

Personally, I think you're talking through your arse which probably smells less than your mouth.

Which cancer is your cancer?

Tim said...

I live in Tyneside, and they're still here if you want to visit (though they may be a little difficult to distinguish, what with them all being the same nowadays).

If I chose, I would probably go for brain cancer - if they remove my grey cells, I might be down to the level where your arguments make sense.

Anonymous said...


Oh, way aye man where's me tabs?

Where I come from we refer to Geordies as sounding like "Glaswegians wi' thur heids kicked in". You don't even sound that comprehensible to me, pal.

Well, we're heading towards winter now and I hope it's a real cracker. I'm looking forward to sitting in a nice warm pub watching you guys standing outside, freezing your balls of just for the pleasure of killing yourself slowly.