Thursday, July 03, 2008

Well, would you believe it?

Apologies for the lack of posting: what was a very busy time at work has become near insane and it's only going to get busier from here on in. My colleague is due to return sometime next week, so maybe it will let up slightly: we shall see.

In the meantime, Nadine "mad as a box of frogs" Dorries has been trumpeting her popularity all over the place this month.
If anyone is interested by the way...

Unlikely, frankly...
... May was a record month with 674,000 hits—June was down a bit to 547,000.

I can't actually believe those figures—what's going on?

A very good question. Since, as we all know, Nadine is a horrible, stinking, fucking liar—telling massive porkie-pies about anything from her age, to abortion statistics to... well, anything at all really—I certainly don't "actually believe those figures" because, when someone has form like Dorries does and they are an MP, you just know that she is telling untruths.

So, shall we let Unity tell Nadine "what's going on"? I think we should.
Dorries’s site does not use any third party trackers or metrics systems and so, when she talks about ‘hits’ she’s taking a count from her server logs as supplied by her hosting company, Acidity.

A ‘hit’ is therefore recorded any time a resource, which could be a page of HTML output, a javascript routine loaded by that page or an image file, amongst other things, is accessed on her server.

This means that. if, on the first day of the month, she posts a text only article and someone visits her ‘blog’ and reads that article, that single page impression will generate in her logs:

One hit for the HTML page, itself.

One hit for the CSS file used to format the look of the page.

Two hits from favicon images, one of which - if you use firefox - puts a very small picture of her in the browser tab in which her site is loaded.

Four hits from four javascript routines loaded as inclusions.

Six hits for images used as ‘page furniture’, i.e. the page header, backgrounds for the calender and the RSS and Acidity logos.

And buried in the page but not visible are three 1-pixel spacer gif images the use of which I had thought had gone entirely out fashion. These relate to a hidden form containing three advertising links the relevance and purpose of which is entirely unclear and, perhaps, irrelevant other that for the fact that they generate three more hits.

So one visitor reading one piece of text on her ‘blog’ will generate a total of 17 hits, and that’s before she gets around to posting article with picture in the them—and by the end of June her ‘blog’ page for that month included 28 images, all hosted on the same server.

So a single new visitor would, by the end of the month, have added a total of 45 hits to her server logs for a single page impression—remembering that her site doesn’t support permalinks or display individual posts—and that’s assuming that, as an Active Server Pages based site, any server-side processing used to generate pages for display doesn’t add even more hits to her logs.

In short, all her talk of a ‘record month’ is absolutely meaningless—if she wants to set a new record this month all she need, given that she’s relying on hits, is double the number of picture she posts over the month and she’s easily rack up a bigger, but still meaningless, headline number.

Clear? There, Nadine—has that helped you to understand what's going on? I do hope so.

Still, Nadine is, nonetheless, very proud of herself. She has, you see, Achieved Something.
If I have achieved anything as a blogger, it has been my ability to unite left wing bloggers, who are by nature a divided and argumentative group (as one recently told me).

Their poor writing, viscious invective, bad language and inter-group warfare fades into nothing whenever my name is mentioned or written about, as they all dive in for the attack. I am apparently the absolute hate figure of the left wing bloggers.

Uh... Seriously, love, you can add in that you are also a hate figure for a number of right wing libertarian bloggers too. We libertarians object to your consistent and near-pathological inability to tell the truth, you see. You just confirm what we have always suspected: that MPs are lying cunts.

There is an old joke about being able to tell when an MP is lying simply because they are opening their mouth. In Dorries's case, you can tell she's lying because she's opened her legs.

Because, you see, she's a cunt. And not in a good way, either. I mean, I have no desire to fuck her, although I am absolutely happy to fuck her up.

As, of course, a number of those evil left wing bloggers have done, by complaining that she is abusing the Communications Allowance.

Once more, Unity gives us the low-down on Mad Nad's typically ineffective and dishonest response.

So, I am a libertarian who happens to believe that all politicians are lying, corrupt scum with a personal agenda utterly at odds with those that they claim to represent, and Mad Nad reinforces that notion at every turn. I don't know whether to praise her for proving me right, or excoriate her for being precisely what I loathe.

Perhaps we should put it to the test: that's right, let's get mediaeval on her arse (and other orifices) and go for trial by sharpened cockroach...

12 comments:

Old Holborn - bitter and twisted said...

Just what is the virtual equivilent of a turd in the post?

we really need to send her some

TheFatBigot said...

I visited her site once, only because it was linked to by John Redwood. He must be a very kind and patient man to give support to such a feeble effort of blogginess, all I saw were pictures of her at constituency functions and short schoolgirl gushings about her own brilliance all of which one could imagine being spoken in jest by Joyce Grenfell.

Having learned that Little Dorrit stands accused as a fibbist even my abiding love for the late Mrs Grenfell must be cast to one side and abstinence will prevail henceforth.

That'll bugger her stats up for next month.

Anonymous said...

Mr Devil Sir,

You should go easy on Nadine as she's an old woman who has to dye her hair blonde and with all that saggy skin round her neck, well, shes an old woman, go easy on her

Mark Wadsworth said...

Stupid bitch!

It's "vicious" not "viscious", and she's not just a hate figure for left wing bloggers.

Jackart said...

What! No Candiru fish craziness? you've gone soft.

The Nameless One said...

In fairness her blog probably does get a lot of visits. From both left and right wingers visiting to marvel at the half-baked, deceitful shite she prints on her so-called blog.

revinkevin said...

Also does she count bots as visitors?

As they will visit every page during their crawl, which being a blog will grow over time will increase the number of visitors.

Then their is the rss feed does she count that as well.

Fidothedog said...

Dig out the roaches Mr DK.

Anonymous said...

Angry smokers might like to visit NuLabour MP Kerry McCarthy's blog where she's getting more than she bargained for when she critically reported on the HOC reception for Forest.

Joyce

David Duff said...

In the several years I have browsed in 'Blogland' I don't think I have ever read such a virulent, stupid, vile and malignant screech of spittle-flecked hatred on any site, and that includes the usual suspects amongst the 'Trot-lot' blogs. Have you ever considered confining your writings to a toilet wall where the in-house style would suit yours so well?

Barry Tebb said...

Last Sunday The Observer gave huge publicity to a report highlighting the appalling state of mental healthcare in the uk,launched by the incoming president of the Royal College of Psychiatrists,Professor Dinesh Bhugra.The paper published a few low key hirrelevant letters today and there's nothing on the net whatsoever.Its as though a D notice has been issued.Just what is going on?

Barry Tebb said...

I guess I know who killed the story-Jo Revill,now Strategy Director to Alan Johnson but health correspondent on the Observer until a few weeks ago!