The other reason is that, on being called into the boardroom, I would be unable to resist the temptation to ask Sir Alan Sugar what it is, exactly, that he does.
"What the hell were you playing at, Devil?", yells that tiny tit, Sugar.
"Um... Tell me, Sir Alan: what the fuck is it that you actually do? I mean, I remember Amstrad computers in the 80s. In fact, my prep school had one; it was their pride and joy. It cost approximately £1 billion and no one knew how the fuck to use it.
"I mean, I could just about write an equation that would draw a circle and shade it, but that was about it. And I was Head of Computers.* No one else had a fucking clue what to do with the overpriced piece of shit, so they all used the BBC Acorns which did, at least, have a colour screen (rather than that green on black shit) and ran Repton.
"But what the fuck does Amstrad do now, eh? Make fucking set-top boxes: you call that success? What's that? You sold Amstrad successfully? Well, Murdoch keeps making shit decisions these days—after all, the silly sod bought MySpace for approximately £20 billion more than the quid that it was actually worth—so that's not difficult.
"And tell me, Sir Alan: what the fucking hell is Viglen famous for apart from an insider trading deal involving Piers Moron? What? You sell desktop and server computers?
"Has anyone actually seen one of these Viglen computers? Call me an ignorant Mac man if you like, but I've never seen a fucking Viglen machine.
"So, remind me, Sir Alan; how, precisely, do you define 'success'?"
"Thank fuck for that. I can't imagine anything worse than working for you, you cock."
Thus it is with great pleasure that I read this article at The Daily Mash.
THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night.
The Amstrad chairman said there was no higher accolade in the business world than selling one of the hybrid phone-email devices.
Sir Alan said: "When I started making the Emailer a lot of people said to me, 'what a waste of time. What a stupid, pointless waste of time. What a pathetic, embarrassing, idiotic waste of time'.
"'Who, in the name of Christ, would ever want one of these?' they would ask me, over and over again.
"But I kept making them - thousands and thousands of them - never losing faith that one day someone would come along who would actually be able to shift one of them."
He added: "The sales pitch is quite tricky because you basically have to make the punter believe he doesn't have a computer.
"I've sat through so many meetings where I'd say to the customer, 'you don't have a computer' and he would immediately say, 'yes I do - here it is, on my desk'.
"I'd then finish the meeting by telling him I'd send an email with some prices and he would say, 'okay, that's fine, I'll read it on my computer'."
Meanwhile Lucinda Legerwood, the latest contestant to be fired, claimed she had been victimised because of her upper-class manner, but insisted she had 'no desire to sell Sky boxes to scum anyway'.
Absolute class, as usual...
* Entirely true.
Also true is the fact is that, in Edinburgh, I knew Michael Sophocles—the "good Jewish boy" of the current series—and designed posters for a couple of plays that he directed.