Sunday, June 08, 2008

Fuck the apprentice: what about the boss?

One of the reasons that I would never go on The Apprentice is simply that I am not enough of a tedious, arrogant, back-stabbing bastard (believe it or not).

The other reason is that, on being called into the boardroom, I would be unable to resist the temptation to ask Sir Alan Sugar what it is, exactly, that he does.
"What the hell were you playing at, Devil?", yells that tiny tit, Sugar.

"Um... Tell me, Sir Alan: what the fuck is it that you actually do? I mean, I remember Amstrad computers in the 80s. In fact, my prep school had one; it was their pride and joy. It cost approximately £1 billion and no one knew how the fuck to use it.

"I mean, I could just about write an equation that would draw a circle and shade it, but that was about it. And I was Head of Computers.* No one else had a fucking clue what to do with the overpriced piece of shit, so they all used the BBC Acorns which did, at least, have a colour screen (rather than that green on black shit) and ran Repton.

"But what the fuck does Amstrad do now, eh? Make fucking set-top boxes: you call that success? What's that? You sold Amstrad successfully? Well, Murdoch keeps making shit decisions these days—after all, the silly sod bought MySpace for approximately £20 billion more than the quid that it was actually worth—so that's not difficult.

"And tell me, Sir Alan: what the fucking hell is Viglen famous for apart from an insider trading deal involving Piers Moron? What? You sell desktop and server computers?

"Has anyone actually seen one of these Viglen computers? Call me an ignorant Mac man if you like, but I've never seen a fucking Viglen machine.

"So, remind me, Sir Alan; how, precisely, do you define 'success'?"

"You're fired!"

"Thank fuck for that. I can't imagine anything worse than working for you, you cock."

Thus it is with great pleasure that I read this article at The Daily Mash.
THE first contestant who manages to sell an Amstrad Emailer will win The Apprentice, Sir Alan Sugar said last night.

The Amstrad chairman said there was no higher accolade in the business world than selling one of the hybrid phone-email devices.

Sir Alan said: "When I started making the Emailer a lot of people said to me, 'what a waste of time. What a stupid, pointless waste of time. What a pathetic, embarrassing, idiotic waste of time'.

"'Who, in the name of Christ, would ever want one of these?' they would ask me, over and over again.

"But I kept making them - thousands and thousands of them - never losing faith that one day someone would come along who would actually be able to shift one of them."

He added: "The sales pitch is quite tricky because you basically have to make the punter believe he doesn't have a computer.

"I've sat through so many meetings where I'd say to the customer, 'you don't have a computer' and he would immediately say, 'yes I do - here it is, on my desk'.

"I'd then finish the meeting by telling him I'd send an email with some prices and he would say, 'okay, that's fine, I'll read it on my computer'."

Meanwhile Lucinda Legerwood, the latest contestant to be fired, claimed she had been victimised because of her upper-class manner, but insisted she had 'no desire to sell Sky boxes to scum anyway'.

Absolute class, as usual...

* Entirely true.

Also true is the fact is that, in Edinburgh, I knew Michael Sophocles—the "good Jewish boy" of the current series—and designed posters for a couple of plays that he directed.


knirirr said...

... I've never seen a fucking Viglen machine.

I have. They've never been common anywhere I've worked, though.

Fidothedog said...

Amstrad E-Mailers, fucking worthless pieces of shit.

The sodding things dial a premium rate 09 number to get software updates. Good one Sir Alan, fuck over the people who you already fucked over in the first place when the got the mailer.

Oh I have also heard a tale that if customers bar 09 numbers from the line in order to save a few quid, the e-mailer stops working as it can not get updates. Not sure on that one but I would not put it past Sir Alan.

Sir Alan, your a cock.

A Total Cunt said...

The Daily Mash has me in utterly painful stitches of pure, unbridled hilarity. And pain.

Those sodding Amstrad Emailer bollocking wankshite machines were a part of a system I was unfortunate enough to be involved with. Essentially, ShiteMiniCorp wanted a fancy website, database driven bollocks and what-not that could 'interface' with them regarding certain bookings. That is, of course, send an email to it.

Anyway, sparing any real identifying details, no fucker in their right mind wanted in on this system as they already has such technology as regular telephones and a computer in the back office.

After earning a fair bit of extra cash extending my work with a billion bells and whistles to entice possible suckers it was decided after a few months of absolutely zero sales that the whole thing was pure wank and the company moved into porn distribution and then something else. And soon after folded.

Thank fuck I got out after my extended contract was over. Amusingly, I mocked from the very beginning that the operation was going to fail for many, many reasons: the worst being the fucking Amstrad Emailer.

However, you can thank European Union Objective Fucking, er, Funding for essentially paying me as they seem to throw any amount of cash at even the most retarded of ideas, providing they are 'Knowledge Based' of use the word 'Inter-social-meganets'....


leg-iron said...

Are they still selling those pieces of crap? I thought those things had been passed to the Museum of Pointless Inventions long ago.

I had an Amstrad amplifier on my hi-fi years ago. It was pretty good - it's stashed somewhere now but still working.

The PCW was a good invention at the time - a word-processor computer cheaper than the IBM-based machines of the time but, sadly, now useless.

The Sugarman used to be pretty good at spotting trends and providing a cheaper but functional alternative. Now he's just another empty suit, employing more empty suits to sell his old ideas.

The Emailer won't sell. People can do that from their cellphones now. At home they can do it from their computers.

Retire, man. Sell the business, take the money and give it up.

Dammit, I would.

a total cunt said...


The Amputated Eshitter is long dead, as far as I know. And the SugerDaddy has his £800m or so in property these days.

peter carter-fuck said...

Sir Alan is one of Britain's most successful businessmen, he's worth over £800 milion. How do we know this? Because he tells us so. Must be true.

I must say I enjoy the Apprentice, with the proviso that it is an upmarket reality show and nothing more. What has struck me thinking about it is that every year Sir Alan has chosen the wrong apprentice:

Year 1: Tim Nice but Ineffectual rather than Saira Khan;

Year 2: Michelle "knocked up by Sayed" Dewberry over The Badger;

Year 3: Simon "I went to Cambridge" over Krystina Grimes.

In each case he picked the less effective, less well motivated candidate. I think he needs an HR manager. Or maybe he is not as averse to yes men, arse lickers, schmoozers and bullshitters as he likes to make out.

In the last task I did like the fact that when Lucinda saw his grim offices in Brentwood she decided she didn't want to work for him. It amuses me that the show has loads of aerial shots of Canary Wharf and the Gherkin, as if Sir Alan's wanky business empire was based in the heart of London rather than an industrial estate in Essex.

I bet he hires the Roller by the day too. Most of the time he drives a G reg diesel powered by chip fat.

Mike Rouse said...

I once picked up an Amstrad Emailer phone thingy at a car boot sale just to see what was so fucking special about them. Nothing. The cost of dialing up to check your email was extortionate too. You won't be surprised to learn that you *had* to use Amstrad's own dial-up number - an 0900 number nonetheless. I paid £2 for it and palmed it off to an over-enthusiatic Iranian colleague for £10 - does that mean I win the Apprentice?!

Tomrat said...

I had myself a CPC464 which I used to play some awesome copter game on but little else - I must say it was heaven to move on to my Amiga 600plus though, with Eye of The Beholder 1 & 2, floppy disks, instantaneous loading and colour screen though.

Is this another case of the Beeb backing the wrong horse? One wishes the worser horses they are backing, like the EU, would scuttle them a lot faster.

Mr Potarto said...

"So, remind me, Sir Alan; how, precisely, do you define 'success'?"

I'd guess making himself £800,000,000 would probably feature near the top.

Antipholus Papps said...

Absolutely spot on! Who the fuck is Alan Sugar to advise anyone on success in business?

I bought a ZX Spectrum. I bought a Commodore 64. Got an Atari ST, an Amiga, and a Mac. I can happily say I have never bought, thought of buying, or even been given, any of Mr Sugar's supremely shitty products.

g1lgam3sh said...

" Antipholus Papps said...

Absolutely spot on! Who the fuck is Alan Sugar to advise anyone on success in business?

I bought a ZX Spectrum. I bought a Commodore 64. Got an Atari ST, an Amiga, and a Mac. I can happily say I have never bought, thought of buying, or even been given, any of Mr Sugar's supremely shitty products.

6/09/2008 04:10:00 PM"


I have had a few more toys than even you Sir, but then I am a major Geek; or Commander Data Bastard as my ex used to lovingly call me during some of our information exchanges. a small guy walking into a pub in leather jacket and Colours whilst having a moped parked outside.

Utter utter toss shite.

I believe he kitted White Hart Lane out with them, that'd explain a lot about the lack of communication that went on there from roof to pitch.*

*Caveat, my son is a Spurs supporter

La Bete said...

IIRC Sugar's money is now mostly in property (Amsprop), charter Cessnas (Amsair) and Viglen.

You are most likely to see Viglen kit in schools and local government offices.

I do wonder how much Sugar makes from the apprentice though...

just some stinking black niger said...

what a fucking wanking unpreptosser sir alan is. Not a single cunt on this planet likes him. And for good reason. He so say worth 800000000million but cant afford any decent clothes or suits. Look wat he years on apprentice. He is a fucking tosser and if i ever see that cunt in the street or anywhere else i'm going to break his fucking nose. ↲

Mother fucking asshole.

Jonty Dunne said...

And now the nasty little toerag has been made a Lordy Lord and is to be in the government and will rule over us all just because Hazel Blears and her minging cronies all resigned and fucked off back to their second homes to spend more time with their expenses so Gordon McBroon didn't have enough cannon fodder to fill all the vacancies in cabinet so Sir Alan Fuckwad Sugar gets brought in, the nasty diminutive cunt. Maybe if Alan shagged Hazel, the resulting spawn could be sold off as leprachauns.

Anonymous said...

Look the fact is the apprentice is a load of shit. These people dont do fuck all and no way would he put them in charge of any meaningful area of his business. The last cunt who won it is NOT a business woman, she has a rich daddy who has restaurants etc and he allows her to say she runs them. She didnt even cunting know what turnover was. Alan Sugar is a God awful fuckwit who would get a damn good kicking IRL. Hes a fucking cunting nasty whining greedy little jew cunt.

Anonymous said...

Melody Hossaini claims to have been trained by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. What the fuck happened to investigative journalism? Why has no one asked what they trained her in? When I did a little research neither of these well known figures on the world stage offered any kind of training. Then in last night's episode she conducted "market research" at the Paris Metro on a new backpack booster for kids. After speaking to 4 people she concluded that the product would not sell. Hello! People using the Metro may just not the ones to ask about a product to be used in cars. Yet strangely no one even mentioned this. Lets face it the real agenda of the "Apprentice" is publicity and promotion of the Alan Sugar empire. If he really wanted a partner to invest £250k in there are much better ways of finding one. Almost without exception the candidates have vaunted ambition fueled by a delusional belief in their abilities which are sadly lacking. Its comic entertainment - no wonder Dara O Briain presents the exit show The Apprentice: You're Fired. go figure.