Thursday, April 10, 2008

Truly worthwhile

Some political bloggers like to play the MSM at their own game, doing meticulous research into the general hysteria and lack of knowledge of journos. Others like to digest and critique opinion pieces. Some like to pass on scurrilous gossip or insider knowledge.

Some of us, however, like to dream up imaginative ways in which to murder the politicians, bureaucrats and technocrat scum who presume to tell us what to do with our lives. It's not big and it's not clever, but it is very enjoyable.

It's like a fairy story really, or a children's film; in these genres, the baddies always get their comeuppance. But, according to Mac The Knife, some of us have just not been working hard enough...
Nevertheless, I'm bound to ask if this is sufficient. For individuals whose use and application of vitriol not only provides a daily diet of delight, but occasionally reaches transcendent levels; the methods of disposal suggested display a baffling paucity of imagination.

True, there are notable exceptions. Devil's Kitchen for example favours the use of sharpened cockroaches and candiru fish. Admittedly, the thought of one bunch of cockroaches being slashed to death by another group of cockroaches, and one pack of ghastly parasites having their genitals colonised by another has a pleasing symmetry; nonetheless the former seems far too labour intensive and the latter smacks of cruelty to animals (the fish, not the Westminster Shower of Shit).

Mr. Eugenides on the other hand once suggested feeding Kommissar Patsy Hewitt feet first into the whirling props of an aero-engine (it may have been a DC3 I can't off hand remember), but why ruin a decent engine and possibly damage a classic aircraft?

No, it simply won't do. We need a new and better solution, something that contributes to the gaiety and well-being of our nation; an equivalent to the re-opening of the theatres after the Restoration, but with a grand-guignol twist.

Needless to say that the man has been thinking about several methods of disposal...
This little fellow is a trebuchet. Our ancestors used them for bunging bloody great rocks and diseased carcasses at one another over great distances, and latterly St. Jeremy de Clarkson found they could fire a scabby little hatchback quite a fair old way.

Picture it...

You need not picture it: Mac has described it for you in minute detail; it is as entertaining a solution as I have read in a long time, managing to combine the British love of spectacle, talent for studied decadence, reverence for history, sense of occasion and taste for casual cruelty...

UPDATE: The Dude, in danger of turning this into a meme, decides to go with something a little more visceral...

8 comments:

Semaj Mahgih said...

Perhaps we should resurrect Tyburn Hill. Lots of gore there.

Longrider said...

The ancient Egyptians had an interesting and particularly cruel method of execution. They impaled the luckless prisoner in a sharpened spike and left them to die in the sun, their weight pushing their body down onto the spike that ripped through their internal organs - sort of crucifixion with a spike for added interest. It must have been excruciating.

Neal Asher said...

I think they should be recycled, that way we might get some use out of them at last. Feet first into a wood-chipper with the resulting mess ploughed in to fertilize bio fuels.

What was that particularly horrible form of execution? The 'bellowing bull' I believe it was called. The prisoner is shut inside a hollow bronze bull and roasted over a fire. Reeds are placed in the nostril holes of the bull so their screams are turned into bellows. Pure music from Gordon Brown, now there's a thought.

Thud said...

all way too fussy...kicked to death in the street and left as heaps of rubbish seems adequate...it seems good enough for members of the public left at the mercy of unpunished criminals.

Mac the Knife said...

Praise from Caesar... *bows*

Fidothedog said...

Can we kill David Blunkett, scribler for The Sun and serial shagger by poaching him to death in boiling water.

A case of like father like son as that is how his father died....

Anonymous said...

Butt plugs.

Cheap. Easy. Nasty.

Barbed.

Camden Town. Just after the tube.

cassandra said...

Hmmmm, why not issue each MP with a stanley knife and put them all in a big cage and tell them that the last 3 survivors get a full pardon!
Seeing the vermin attack each other in their desperation to get the pardon would be a joy to watch and then some!