Thursday, April 10, 2008

Fucking aspiration

Hey, guys! You know how we want young people to have aspirations and the like? And how we also want them off the streets and doing something "worthwhile"? You know how summer jobs and that kind of thing help towards these ideals?

Well, the government's going to fuck it all up! Yay!
Thousands of shops, restaurants and cafés will be forced to register their staff with a new child protection agency and have their criminal records checked if they employ children for weekend or summer holiday work.

Any staff responsible for supervising children under 16 will have to be vetted. The measure is in the Safeguarding Vulnerable Groups Act, which was passed in 2006. It was originally intended to screen teachers, nursery staff and youth workers more effectively by requiring them to register with a new quango, the Independent Safeguarding Authority (ISA), but ministers have decided to extend its scope to businesses.

The ISA will conduct enhanced checks through the Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) and give individuals—at a cost of £64 each—a “seal of approval” for working with children. The measure also covers work experience.

Fantastic work, guys! Well fucking done, you utter, utter knobs. With knobs on.

Timmy points out the bleeding fucking obvious and that the government is lying about the cost of it too.
So anyone who tries to do what I did successfully at the age of 14, get a job washing up in the back of a curry house for two nights a week during the summer holidays, will now find that businesses don’t want to employ them as all of their staff will have to be checked: even if it’s just the supervisory staff that would be three or four people, £250 quid say. Something they don’t haveto pay if they hire a 17 year old.
But the most up-to-date estimate from the Home Office, which now includes businesses employing under 16s, is that 11.3 million people will have to register.

Eh?
The group has also discovered that the Government’s estimated cost for setting up and running the ISA for the first five years has grown from £91.6 million to £246 million as its scope has increased.

Umm, no, a most misleading figure.
The Government says that the ISA will be “self-funding” but employers will have to bear the £64 cost of registering each staff member,

£64 times 11 million people is, ermm, £720 million or so a year. Oh my! How Excellent!

We’re headed into a recession and we’re going to price young workers out of the market and cost businesses the thick end of a billion pounds for, umm, paperwork?

No, no, no, Timmy; it's not paperwork: it's for the kiddies! Oh, won't someone think of the chiiiiiiiiiiiiildren? The children! It's for the children!

What... wait... you mean this is actually going to screw over the children? But... but... we must protect them from all of those paedos who are business supervisors. It's for the children... it's... er... What are you doing home, Little Jimmy: I thought that you were at work?

What's that? You been sent home because it's not worth the business's while to employ you any more? Oh. No, no, I'm afraid that I can't give you any more pocket money. Well, you'll just have to hang around on the streets drinking White Lightening rather than Dom Perignon, won't you?

You'd rather have the Dom Perignon? Well, yes, so would I, come to think of it. Luckily, being a politician, I can just shove it on expenses and get the mug taxpayers to cough up. But they are being a bit snippy about putting the family's Dom Perignon on expenses at the moment. Hmmmm...

Well, in that case, I shall just have to pass some legislation making it illegal for businesses not to employ people under 17. Or, at least, make it illegal to get rid of those under 17 because of these extra costs.

Yes, that'll work: there'll definitely not be any unintended consequences there, will there?
Can we hang them all yet?

Yes, eventually. But a simple hanging is just too quick.

Jeeves! Bring my cockroach sharpener and start prodding the candiru fish...

17 comments:

Mark Wadsworth said...

This is a great idea!

Let's extend it to everybody who has a paper delivered, or pays the lad next door to mow the lawn, or, heaven forbid, has a babysitter under 18.

Just pop along to your local Interview Centre, give them your fingerprints and iris scan and bank details and you can proudly display a notice (renewable every twelve months) next to your front door saying 'Licensed to employ babysitters and lawn-mowers aged under 18'.

Anonymous said...

These people still do not understand how the economy works; after all this time and all the mistakes they have made....they still don't get it.

ChrisM said...

Is the problem this legislation seeks to address even a problem? Are there legions of children who have been abused whilst working? I'd have thought children of middle class GPs or working class single mums in Dewsbury are more at risk.

xoggoth said...

I do actually have a CRB check from when local scouts about to close for lack of help but all the form filling nearly put me off.

Talked to others who are also put off any sort of volunteer work by all the rigmarole of forms/references etc. They perhaps need this when there are real risks as there are with scouting but to extend it generally to any casual work regardless of circumstances is nuts.

xoggoth said...

PS The Scouts picked up my bill but it is quite pricey, I agree small firms won't want to bother.

xoggoth said...

PPS Also CRB does not prove one is safe with kids, just that one hasn't been caught yet! Given the sort of pressures these people apply to stop kids telling, will it really make a lot of difference? Just another cosmetic exercise one suspects.

Roger Thornhill said...

I suspect the endgame is that everyone will need to apply for a work permit in the UK.

I hate them all.

Anonymous said...

There is an endless procession of "intiatives" and "answers" and "legislation" and none of it ever really works, but... it all comes with a charge attached. A cynic might be tempted to say this is just a money-making exercise.

I have had a CRB check because I did some teaching (of people over 16) but there was no check on these dullards for suitability to be taught. And some weren't even ready for any aspect of life, though it's nice they were "protected"

Anyway all that checking turned out to be pointless as I stopped teaching. That was when I got a letter saying the EU demanded that I prove (yes, my responsibility) my UK nationality in case I ever had to teach in another European country. Given that part-time teaching of EMA-induced and largely brain-dead students paid less than £12 an hour I really couldn't see me going - at my expense, incidentally - to Poland or Romania on that kind of wage to teach their students.

Of course many of their students may be coming here anyway... but I objected to being made to "prove" I was a British citizen in case I suddenly fancied a long coach ride and living in a B&B in Warsaw or wherever.

I also suspect when I got there I might have to check into the local police station for my Polish version of CRB too...

monoi said...

The thing is that a lot of people who should know better have swallowed the "it protects the children" bull.

DK, the politicians are a lot cleverer than us. We pay them to do this shit, and we ask for more. We are the morons, and they will never make the mistake of underestimating how moronic we are.

Hell, even Boris who I thought was not the banning type, has come up with this alcohol on the tube ban. I would wager it has come about after him probably having to listen to countless morons who think it is a good idea.

Henry Crun said...

Begs the question though, what does the CRB do with all the data it collects from people requesting CRB checks?

I think we should be told.

Blue Eyes said...

Isn't this a case of being assumed guilty until proved innocent? Every employer will have to somehow prove that he or she is not a paedophile!

Serf said...

Does Gordon Brown have to fill one of these things before he visits a school.

The guy looks the archtype perve and he comes from a repressed backgroud (not to mention rocking horses).

You can just imagine his neighbours speaking for the cameras.......He weren't friendly like, kept imself to imself innit.

Not a sheep said...

So why would anyone employ a 15 year old school child in a summer work experience job and go through the CRB check when they could employ an East European 18 year old instead.

So another British teenager loses a chance to experience work and a possible future job is given to an East European. Meanwhile the British teenager learns not to bother trying and decides that a life on benefits looks easier than working.

Anonymous said...

The government has already said that baggage handlers, students and people working in jobs involving vulnerable people will need ID cards.

So that's another 11 million people who will have to have these voluntary cards.

Mac the Knife said...

Simple hanging is too good. I had some thoughts on this last week as it happens. If you can spare five minutes to check them out I'd appreciate your comments...

http://dunhillmonster.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

BTW CRB checks cannot be shared between organisations.

So....


My wife currently holds 4 CRB checks for volunteer work.

Eldest son's school
Youngest son's school
charity 1
charity 2
(charity 1 and 2 work with disabled kids of different kinds and share the same ex shop and a lot of their volunteer staff).

Guess what they four CRB check say the same thing....

Hey ho!

Nice little earner of the government

Kay Tie said...

"White Lightening"

Oh FFS!