Cunts. They come in many forms and guises. Once, you could tell them from a simple beardiness about their demeanour. Or maybe from their appearance at mass gatherings where they would demand that you pay for whatever they were interested in having for free, or to free whatever fashionable terrorist was leftist flavour-of-the-week. Ever fond of dallying with this shit, academia has a long, sad track record of playing footsy with these cunts. But playing footsy, as we've all found out in a restaurant or two, leads to more. So sadly here comes the latest wave of attack in the form of yet another unasked for "report" by a set of attention-deficit, better-than-you, "thinkers" from academia, desperate to get in on the action of the day and point out to us all that we just aren't fucking worthy and should just all go cut our heads off and stop living.
Now we've finally said goodbye to the Soviets, it's no surprise to find that battleground chosen is the "issue of climate change" - which has transmogrified so completely into a cipher for socialism that Uncle Joe himself would no doubt be seen cycling to work and heckling Jeremy Clarkson if only he wasn't dead. The moustachioed, mass-murdering, communist fuckwad.
So, here come some academics from Oxford University (Oxford!!) claiming that the UK is even worse for the world than we thought. Why? Because our carbon use is even higher than we suspected already.
"The new analysis measures the UK's consumption of carbon, rather than production. It includes energy consumed to make products and ship them to the UK from countries such as China, as well as the carbon footprint of British citizens abroad."
This from academics - the brightest people from one of the most venerable learning institutions in the world. Even China's emissions are our fault because we buy their stuff! Fucking brilliant!! Just when it looked like we could finally point the finger of blame at them for building a whole, new coal-powered power station and day and damming up rivers and killing dolphins and shit, it turns out they're only doing it for us! Well fuck me, "Dieter", I'll try my fucking damnedest next time round to buy a free-range telly from my locally sourced, organically friendly, non-racist, free-trade TV farmer. Or maybe just not buy one at all... would that keep you happy? Because deep down, you know that all I am is a vacuous, consumerist cunt who does nothing more than sit at home burning carbon while sucking US propaganda into my fat, dolphin-eating face and shitting CFCs. In fact - fuck it: let's you and me move into a cave together and eat moths so we can claim minimal carbon footprint. And die, aged 34.
And those expats - who've fled the country because of the stifling taxes, the illiberal policing of social interaction, the unchecked crime committed against them and their property by either undereducated hoolies or the state itself - even they are guilty... because they remain British. You just can't fucking escape it.
Go smoke a cock. Smoke two, actually.