Friday, December 21, 2007

Fantasy Father Christmas

Twenty Major has a game for all the family.
You choose one person, alive or dead.

You choose one present for them, good or bad.

Who do you choose and what do you get them?

I’d get Damien Rice a life-support machine so I could take him off it.

There are so many deserving recipients of my largesse; who on earth should I choose?

I'd get Al Gore one of those walk-in meat freezers so that I could lock him in there and scream "are you worried about warming now, you cunt?" through the door.

I'd also get Gordon Brown a book on gardening, so that he has something to occupy him upon his imminent retirement. Although, if The Nameless One is right, a jacket with really long sleeves might be the more suitable option.

Anyone else like to play?

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

For Gordon Brown, a lifetime membership of Exit. (being a one-off payment with instant gratification)

verity said...

I'd gift Tony, as a surprise, with glassy ice placed carefully on the roll-up metal stairs of whatever plane Tony Blair has blagged off a Saudi prince (there are five thousand of them; surely at least some of them are astute enough to see through him?).

Then Tony could walk jauntily out of the plane door, smiling and waving at the cameras, and skid all the way to the bottom of the stairs, to the innocent merriment of everyone in Britain.

A bonus would be if fat Cher were right behind him and landed on top of him. What a treat for sore eyes! And with any luck, it wouldn't do his dicky ticker much good.

verity said...

I must admit I appreciated the Al Gore gift.

Maybe someone could think of a nice present for Sting.

mitch said...

A vat of bleach for dipping peter hain in peeled preferably.

Anonymous said...

and for David Miliband, a rubber stamp with which to record his presence at the signing all those interesting treaties....

'G Uano Dung'

Anonymous said...

for Harriet Harman, the Chicken Ranch job opportunities listing

verity said...

Well, 5:08, the Chicken Ranch was a money-making concern. I wouldn't want to see it driven into bankruptcy.

Anonymous said...

for Hazel Blears,

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000FR4BI0/ref=olp_product_details?ie=UTF8&me=&seller=

described as 'a powerful attractant to trap these nuisance animals year round'

and a

http://www.pestproducts.com/chipmunk_trap.htm

albeit a bit too humane

Anonymous said...

'Well, 5:08, the Chicken Ranch was a money-making concern. I wouldn't want to see it driven into bankruptcy'

Too true. She probably wouldn't declare her tips

Mrs Smallprint said...

Gordon Brown a reversible mac - no need to say why!

verity said...

5:19 - Harriet Harman already knows that selling sex makes money. That's why she wants to stop it.

She could claim that the girls who worked at the ranch weren't local girls, but were taken in by people traffickers from Bolivia or something. That's why she wants to have prostitution stopped. It's for "humanitarian" reasons, of course. She can't help it if she knows better than anyone else about absolutely everything.

Anonymous said...

As he's so keen on ID cards et al, can we get Neil Harding 'a mark in (his) right hand, or in (his) forehead' numbered '666'?

Anonymous said...

@5:19 Verity

OK, can we settle for getting her a ticket to Bolivia, then?

US said...

Des Browne - a one way ticket to Helmand on a Hercules with a mad Jock Bagpiper to keep him company. See how much he liked both his jobs then.

Anonymous said...

Alex Salmond, a set of Trump Cards on golf course stats

Anonymous said...

Jack Straw, an Liberty's gift voucher for, appropriately, £NIL

robin said...

For the Department for(?) Transport I`d give them everlasting life, then impale them on a stake.

mitch said...

how about a bamboo seed which could be pushed up GBs colon and watered daily.

Vlad said...

robin - you're trespassing on my territory.

But thanks for the suggestion.

verity said...

Also, I'd tell Napoleon to stuff his Code.

Anonymous said...

I think George Bush might like to send OBL and co their very own gift wrapped suicide bombers.

JuliaM said...

"Too true. She probably wouldn't declare her tips"

This statement makes no sense. Surely at establishments like the Chicken Ranch, they are on display for all to see...?

Oh.

Tips.

My mistake....

Cox says said...

for brown.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Strange-Death-Soviet-Communism-Postscript/dp/1412806984/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1198316215&sr=8-14

Shug Niggurath said...

For Gordon Brown, a hankie.

Tony said...

For Gordon Brown a sharp stick so that I can stab him in his good eye.