Monday, October 15, 2007

UHT: Utterly Hateable Twats

As has been widely commented on this morning, there has been a suggestion that we should all switch to UHT milk. Well, if this is the case, can I recommend that the government shove it up their fucking arseholes.

I have been to a number of countries in Europe and, frankly, I can never see what the fuss in about in terms of food. There are, in particular, two things that taste like crap across the entire Continent: their sausages (British-style: what they call chipolatas) and their milk.

The latter is just about bearable in coffee and just repulsive in tea. There is no way that I am going to switch to UHT milk in order to tinker at the edges of a problem that Doesn't. Fucking. Exist!

So, the relevent bit of the report is this:
It is part of a government strategy to ensure that some 90 per cent of milk on sale will not require refrigeration by 2020.

The paper states: “Retail and domestic refrigeration is an area with the potential for significant impact reduction. The milk chain should enhance the development, marketing and placement of UHT milk products.” It also states that existing choices for consumers (mainly fresh milk products) "mean that they may not demand milk that does not have to be refrigerated".

However, the cunts at Defra have denied that they ever suggested any such thing. Netch'relly.
The government has denied press reports it is planning to ask everyone to switch from fresh to long-life milk as a means to reduce energy usage.

The clarification from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) follows the leaking of a report into the future of the dairy sector.

Drawn up by civil servants, the paper highlights the fact that shops do not need to refrigerate long-life milk.

Defra said it would not be telling people what kind of milk to drink.

Right. Except that about 94% of milk in Britain is fresh, so 94% of milk requires refrigeration in the shop. And let us remind ourselves of what The Times report says. [Emphasis mine.]
It is part of a government strategy to ensure that some 90 per cent of milk on sale will not require refrigeration by 2020.

So how does Defra resolve these figures? Note that the report does not say that milk refrigeration costs will drop by 90%, nor that milk refrigeration emmissions will drop by 90%, but that "some 90 per cent of milk on sale will not require refrigeration".

Now, I haven't seen a copy of what The Times is working from, so i am willing to admit that they might have got it wrong (and the "some 90%" figure is crucial).

However, if The Times report is accurate, then I am afraid that Defra is lying. Lying like the filthy, slippery cunts that they are.

Oh, and I also wonder if this suggestion, also from The Times, is correct too.
Another target that has incensed farmers is that methane emissions from dairy cattle should be reduced by 60 per cent within 15 to 20 years.

What the fuck? Look, this is going too far, it really is.

The problem is that politicians generally know absolutely fuck all about science. As an illustration, I was on a radio show on Friday and I had a LibDem councillor attempting to tell me that the holes in the ozone layer were being caused by global warming.

If you are fucking stupid and utterly fucking ignorant, why don't you shut the fuck up you fucking cocks? Stop trying to run our lives and just fuck the fuck off and, preferably, kill yourselves.




chris said...

UHT: it lasts longer because not eve nbacteria want to eat it.

Roger Thornhill said...

As I posted, UHT is just a calcified water-fat emulsion.

These people are despicable. They are utterly ignorant parasites thinking up ways to bugger up the country even more.

We have so many things needing to be fixed and these twerps go around thinking up ways to "tackle" carbon footprints.

The footprint they need to worry about will the the stinging one caused by my boot up their arse. It will be the only thing about them that could be described as "smart".

JuliaM said...

"Another target....that methane emissions from dairy cattle should be reduced by 60 per cent within 15 to 20 years."

Corks. That's my suggestion...

the doctor said...

D.K. , Wow all that abuse , from Fuck you to fucktrumpets . For once I agree with your use of language .
UHT is disgusting in tea and on Shredded Wheat .

Henry North London said...

UHT is the work of the devil. Its vile.

Anonymous said...

D'you think someone should tell the useless %^$#s that shopkeepers might choose to place UHT milk in the fridge either because:

1. That way it's next to the big display of fresh milk and the large sign saying "milk", so people actually have a chance of finding it in the shop when they want to buy some.

or possibly

2. Things that taste nasty are more tolerable at lower temperatures (cf. American "beer").

Anonymous said...

"Calcified water-fat emulsion"
Tasty!!!!.....and it will make you fat which will soon be punishable by death. I feel a DK bout of swearing coming on ********
DK please invent a new swear word to describe this daily dose of Nu-Lab targets/Beeb nanny bulletins.
(In fact why not hold a contest and give away one of your fab T-Shirts for the best new swear word?)

Longrider said...

Once you've opened UHT, you have to refrigerate it or it will go off, just like pasteurised milk...

Incidentally, if you want a frothy cappuccino, then UHT is the way to go. Otherwise, yup, tastes pretty dreadful.

ScotsToryB said...

Tonight I am so.... mellow. I know what is going on here and I admire it. 'Ve av un fallbak leest of stoopid sujesjohns that vill mak the stoopid bloggers rise oop. They are so easy.

We are the EU.

You fink U gettit but u are soo stupid soo wordbak so up yourselves that when I say UHT u negatively orgasm: as ve expek. Tok ab out zees End Lesley.

What they have been doing for the last blatant 10 years is sticking it in our faces and, and god, even that arsehole Blair, took time out on mainstream telly to laugh out loud and state 'am I bovvered?'.

This is no more than keep the proles talking about something whilst we follow the project.

UHTM? Under His Thumb Menschen.


AD627 said...

I like the way in which the report omits to mention the environmental impact of the provision of the heat part of UHT.

Similarly, what kind of moron could suggest that “Retail and domestic refrigeration is an area with the potential for significant impact reduction.” Clearly, even if the government did force UHT upon them, householders are not going to buy smaller fridges as a result of having an extra couple of bottles’ worth of space. And one only needs to compare a modern supermarket with a supermarket from 20 years ago to realise that the amount of refrigerated space has increased substantially – supermarkets will simply replace milk with other fresh products that require refrigeration.

Incidentally, what he hell is a “milk road map” and why are we paying for a civil servant to produce it? If the milk industry required a road map, I am confident that the milk industry could produce it. More likely, in the absence of yet more government intervention, the individual players within the milk industry would act independently, a thousand flowers would bloom, and the industry would adopt the successful strategies of the wining players.

Struan Jamieson said...

Long ago I worked in the dairy industry- we used raw milk to make much of the cheese- it won prizes at the Nantwich show regularly. Then owing to pressure from the big buyers we used pasturised milk-I can't remember a single prize after that.Our Australian customer wanted only Cheddar made from raw milk- it was a minimum of six months old so pasturisation didn't matter at all. But the real prize was Colston Basset Stilton made with RAW MILK- WOW!!
Remember Lymswold- an English Blue Brie not as good as Blue Brie and more expensive but try it three weeks after the sell-by date- F****** brilliant.
Trouble is its probably now a crime against EU laws.

Thortung said...

I bet the French don't use pasteurised milk in their best cheeses, if any.

Vicola said...

Leaving aside the fact that I may as well collect puddle water from the carpark to put in my brew as use UHT milk, surely refrigeration energy will only drop if the only think you kept in the fridge was milk and the removal of it means you switch the fridge off. This is not the case inmy house, in my gaff the fridge is also home to some cheddar, an antique bag of salad, some courgettes, a jar of marmelade and some rather furry tomatoes. Oh and a litre of vodka and some chablis. The day I require the government to tell me what milk to use is the day I swallow 600 Panadol and end it all.

JuliaM said...

"...the day I swallow 600 Panadol and end it all."

Better stock up then. You can't buy more than two small packets in one go at any supermarket or chemist now...