What are you going to do: start limiting how much vino or Victory gin we are allowed to buy at any one time? Start controlling what food I can eat?
So thank you to the email commenter who pointed out that that is precisely what this bunch of arse-bastards want to do.
Obesity 'not individuals' fault'
Individuals can no longer be held responsible for obesity and government must act to stop Britain "sleepwalking" into a crisis, a report has concluded.
The largest ever UK study into obesity, backed by government and compiled by 250 experts, said excess weight was now the norm in our "obesogenic" society.
Dramatic and comprehensive action was required to stop the majority of us becoming obese by 2050, they said.
But the authors admitted proof that any anti-obesity policy worked "was scant".
What the... I mean... I... WHAT THE FUCK? This is wrong on so many fucking levels.
First off, I am thirty and I know quite a few people. I know two—two—people who might just possibly be described as obese. Where the authors of this study only studying politicians? The Fatty Soames Lunch Club? Where are all these fucking obese people?
And don't tell me that they are all in poor areas: I live in fucking Brixton and, whilst a few of the people I see might be described as slightly overweight, the vast majority are perfectly slim. So where the fuck are all these fat bastards?
But that is not the worst part of this report.
Obesity, the authors concluded, was an inevitable consequence of a society in which energy-dense and cheap foods, labour-saving devices, motorised transport and sedentary work were rife.
Dr Susan Jebb of the Medical Research Council said that in this environment, it was surprising that anyone was able to remain thin, and so the notion of obesity simply being a product of personal over-indulgence had to be abandoned for good.
"The stress has been on the individual choosing a healthier lifestyle, but that simply isn't enough," she said.
Fuck you, Susan Jebb (has she got good jebbs, we wonder?) and your piece of shit report. How do people remain thin? It's easy: you eat no more than you burn: people generally do not need two big meals a day. It's very simple really: if you eat more calories than you burn, you will get fat. It's not a difficult concept.
And the idea that people are not responsible for their own food intake is disgusting; have you heard of personal responsibility, you silly bitch. This is just more socialist claptrap.
STOP INFANTILISING THE POPULATION, YOU BITCH.
People are responsible for their weight, just as they are responsible for every other action that they take. The idea that the government should get involved in the very way that we eat is an unbelievable imposition: it is the most disgusting idea that I have heard since yesterday.
Needless to say, the state is contemplating, with relish, this new mandate to micro-manage the population.
Public Health Minister Dawn Primarolo said the government would be holding further consultations to decide how to proceed.
I might have known that this fucking little whore would be involved in one way or another.
She said it was too early to say whether the same "shock" approach seen in public health warnings against smoking would be adopted with obesity, or whether a tax on fatty foods, highlighted in the report but widely dismissed as unworkable, would be considered.
She said the main aim now was to reduce the proportion of overweight and obese children to 2000 levels by 2020.
Tell you what, Dawn; I have the solution. Abolish the Welfare State. And, in particular, abolish Child Benefits. Your government has consistently raised Child Benefits and one could suggest a correlation between that and fatter children.
Because, Dawn, you will find that poor people get really thin really quickly, by virtue of not being able to afford to eat. I myself, a six foot man, dropped to just above eight stone at one point. Try having no money, Dawn; it works wonders for your figure.
As a side benefit, I think that you will find that the number of unemployed people drops massively and that we no longer need immigrants to do all of those shitty low paid jobs. Bonus!
But what you should not be doing, you thrice-cursed shit-bag hag, is telling people that the fact that they are fat cunts is not their fault: it is their fault and, if they are indeed costing the state money (and when you guys work out how much that is, rather than simply pulling a figure out of your collective arse), then the easiest way is to make them pay for it.
And the best way to do that is to ensure that people know that healthcare is not "free"; so, let's move to a proper private insurance-based system of health funding. And then fat fucks can pay higher premiums than people who don't stuff themselves with cakes and biscuits whilst sitting on their obese arses watching Jeremy Kyle (whoever he is).
But in the meantime, it is none of your fucking business what we eat, you dozy cunt.
Why don't you fascist fuckers fuck off?
UPDATE: Mr Eugenides has altered a few words of the Beeb's report to, as he puts it, "make a crushingly unsubtle point".
Rape "not rapists' fault"
Individuals can no longer be held responsible for rape and government must act to stop Britain "sleepwalking" into a crisis, a report has concluded.
The largest ever UK study into rape, backed by government and compiled by 250 experts, said attacks on women were now the norm in our "rapinogenic" society.
Rape, the authors concluded, was an inevitable consequence of a society in which dense and cheap women, easy availability of alcohol, pencil skirts and female emancipation were rife.
Dr Susan Jebb of the Rape Research Council said that in this environment, it was surprising that anyone was able to keep their dick in their trousers, and so the notion of rape simply being a product of violent scumbags had to be abandoned for good.
"The stress has been on the individual rapist choosing a less confrontational lifestyle, but that simply isn't enough," she said.
Yes, that seems perfectly reasonable to me.