David Cameron has rallied the Tory party to "mount the great Conservative fight-back" against Labour.
At the first day of the Conservative conference, he said the fight-back would be based on "clear policies", "clear direction" and "clear choice".
Yeah, great fightback, is it, Dave? So remind me: what the fuck have you been doing over the last 18 months?
And we have seen reports that you are willing to go back to the Tory roots. We have even seen a proposed tax cut or two. Well, jolly well done, Dave. But if Brown calls an election, it's too little, too fucking late.
Tax cuts are all very well, but what we really want to see, apart from some fucking balls, is tax simplification. And this isn't something that can be seen to appeal to the rich alone.
Raise the Personal Tax Allowance and stop forcing people to beg Gordo for a few crumbs of their money back; people don't like begging, Dave, so tell them that, under a Tory government, they won't have to. That someone working full time on the minimum wage gets to keep every penny that they earn.
We want to see proposals for a Flat Tax and we want to see you argue that it doesn't hurt the poor. We want you to tell people that Gordon Brown has nearly tripled the length of Tolley's tax handbook and that you want to take it back down to a very slim volume.
But most of all, we want to see you in the Winter Gardens, personally flicking the switch that releases the trapdoor beneath Goldsmith and Gummer and sends then plunging towards their deaths, the piano wire entirely separating their stupid heads from their ridiculous bodies.
One can but dream...