"So I think I might be back on to do Transformers 2!"Memo to Bay – please do go and fuck yourself. Spend the rest of your miserable excuse for a life in bed, masturbating furtively into the bed sheets. Because even if you did spend the rest of your life pleasuring yourself like a hyperactive teenage boy on speed, you still wouldn’t produce such a large pile of toss as the utterly worthless Transformers movie.
I mean, I have seen some shit in the cinema. I sat through Wes Craven’s Wishmaster, slowly realising that the tag “Wes Craven’s…” attached to any film is a by-word for “this film is reprehensible shite”. I sat through every one of the interminable “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, wondering whether it was possible to choke myself to death on popcorn rather than having to endure another hour of tedious conversations between irritating hobbits in the various uninhabited backwaters of New Zealand. And somehow I made it through the embarrassing mess that was Spiderman 3, somehow managing to hide my disappointment that whilst they spent a fortune on that film, they somehow managed to forget to pay for a script.
But none of them compared with the terrible pile of unmitigated crap that was Transformers. Genuinely, it was the worst thing I have ever seen at the cinema. The cheap and cheerful cartoon looked like the very best of Stanley Kubrick next to the big old bag of bollocks that was Transformers. The fact he was adapting a cartoon for the silver screen is no excuse*. In fact, there is no excuse at all for a film being this bad.
The script was beyond patronising. The special effects were completely wasted. The characters were poorly sketched to say the least – in fact, I would say they were so poor that they were sketched by a blind man with no hands. And as for the worst moment, there are so many it is nearly impossible to say. What about the cliched soldiers, preaching that sometimes fighting is the only real thing to do, and sometimes civilians must become soldiers whether they want to or not? Or how about the sack of shit beginning, filled with waffle about the Cube and the Allspark, without actually explaining what those fucking things actually fucking are to those in the audience who haven’t spent their adult lives shut in darkened bedrooms, reading Transformer comics over and over again? I could cite the moment when the Autobots hide in the hero’s house from the hero’s parents, like extras in “American Pie 17 – Yet More Jokes About Pie Fucking”; or the moment where the hard as nails, screeching evil robot who managed to take out several secret service agents is decapitated by a high-school girl. Or how about the shots of said high school girl that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a soft-porn movie?
If you forced me to chose one outstandingly bad moment from the litany of terrible, cliché ridden scenes that make up that movie, I would have to go with the one that shows just how stupid the film makers feel their audience is. When the convoy of Autobots are travelling to the city for the final showdown with the evil, and largely absent from the movie, Decepticons, Optimus Prime is seen driving on the other direction, for reasons that defy understanding**, in his distinctive lorry disguise. And what do we hear a character say? “Look, it is Optimus Prime!”
Yes we fucking well know it is fucking Optimus fucking Prime! You know it is Optimus Prime! We can all see the fucker on the screen, you patronising cunts!
And why, oh why, when you could pretty much write the entire script on the back of a beer mat, was the film about three hours long? You could have done the story justice in a half hour slot, and even then it still would have felt padded. By stretching out for as long as possible, the film seemed to last for several years rather than several hours. When I emerged, broken and blinking into the daylight, part of me genuinely wondered whether I would be seeing a strange new world after spending the best part of the decade wondering when this film was going to end, and whether I was going to break my life-long rule and walk out of a film halfway through.
Michael Bay – you shouldn’t be allowed to make Transformers 2. You shouldn’t be allowed near another film set for the rest of your days. In fact, you should be dragged through the streets behind a Peterbilt truck before being immolated in a public square for your various crimes against the cinema. The terrible Joe D’Amato could have made a better job of Transformers than you, Bay, and he’s been dead since 1999.
*However if you do want to go and seen a good big screen adaptation of a cartoon see The Simpsons Movie. 89 minutes, funny, and very much a faithful adaptation of the source material.
**OK, OK - there may be reasons, but frankly I had given up caring what they were by this point in the film.