Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A paeon to a turd

Via Iain Dale (apologies for pinching the lot but it's just too beautiful to break), this is a lovely little poem. Can you guess who it's about?
Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Clunking Paw—
For he's the ten-year Chancellor who taxes more and more.
He's the bafflement of Tyneside North, he’s Darlington’s despair:
For when they’re sacked or briefed against—Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity
He's broken every golden rule—he breaks the law of amity.
His off balance sheet accounting would make Robert Maxell stare,
But when you open up the books—Macavity's not there!
You may search the whole Smith Institute, or the Cash-for-Honours affair—
But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!

Macavity's a peculiar cat—he's full of tricks and wiles.
He mutters and he mumbles and he hardly ever smiles.
He scarcely talks to colleagues, his head is highly domed
His suit is dusty from neglect, his hair is all uncombed.
He juts his jaw from side to side; he never can relax.
Except when he is planning to impose his hundredth tax.

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
For he's a grudge in human form, a monster of depravity.
He won’t support tuition fees; he won’t back Tony Blair.
And as for foundation hospitals—well, Macavity's not there!

The Cabinet is stuck with him. (It’s said they live in fear.)
And he gives his Budget to the House exactly once a year.
But when defence is looted, or the pension funds are rifled,
Or the tax credits go missing, or John Hutton is found stifled,
Or a greenhouse gas is rising, and Lord Turnbull in despair—
Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Macavity's not there!
And if he doesn’t like you, then you know that, without fail
You’ll wake up to nasty briefings printed in the Daily Mail.
There may be a scap of paper in the hall or on the stair
But it's useless to investigate—Macavity's not there!

And when the loss has been disclosed, the civil service say:
"It must have been Macavity!"—but he's a mile away.
You'll be sure to find him brooding, or a-chewing of his hand
As he works out how exactly to get rid of Miliband.

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macacity,
He’s doesn’t care for social grace; he’s short on charm and suavity.
He always has an alibi, or one or two to spare:
And whatever time the leak took place—MACAVITY WASN'T THERE!
And they say that all his colleagues who hold his name in dread
(I might mention Norwich South; I might mention Birkenhead.)
Are nothing more than ciphers for the Cat who never lacks
An excuse to raise some revenue: the Napoleon of Tax!

That's right: it's about the Gobblin' King, who has taken all your money to the Gobblin' City at the centre of his labyrinthine tax policies.

UPDATE: thanks to the commenter who pointed out that The Hitch has another fantastic version...

4 comments:

Pete in Dunbar said...

Did you mean paean? Or were you being extra clever since a paeon is "In quantitative verse, a foot of one long syllable and three short syllables occurring in any order", which fits the word 'Macavity' I suppose. If the latter, consider me suitably impressed :-)

fido said...

Brilliant, total fucking brilliance.

zeno said...

That astute political commentator "The Hitch" has provided another version:

Phil Macavity: The Scottish twat

Macavity's a Mystery scottish twat: he's famous for his oddly dropping jaw
For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law.
He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair:
For when they reach the scene of crime - Macavity's not there!

Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity,
He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity.
His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare,
And when you reach the scene of crime - Macavity's not there!

You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air -
But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there!

Phil Mcavity's a big fat twat, he's very tall and lumpy
You wouldn't like him if you met him as he's always really grumpy.
His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly domed;
His shoes are dusty from neglect, his hair is always uncombed
He waves his cock from side to side, and jiggles it up and down
And when Ed Balls is busy he rams it up Nick Brown !

Phil Macavity, Phil Macavity, there's no one like Phil Macavity,
For he's a fiend in human shape, a monster of depravity.
You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square -
But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there!

He's outwardly respectable. (They say he takes it up the shitter)
And his name is often mentioned when the police talk about Gary Glitter
And when the larder's looted, or the jewel-case is rifled,
Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke's been stifled,
Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair -
Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Macavity's not there!

And when the Treasury finds a document gone astray,
Or the Admiralty lose some ships and sailors by the way,
There may be a scrap of paper in the hall or on the stair -
But it's useless to investigate - Macavity's not there!

And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say:
`It must have been Macavity!' - but he's a mile away.
You'll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs,
Or engaged in doing complicated long-division sums.

Phil Macavity, Phil Macavity, there's no one like Phil Macavity,
There never was a twat of such deceitfulness and depravity.
He always has a rentboy on speed dial, and one or two to spare
At whatever time the deed took place - PHIL MACAVITY WASN'T THERE!

And they say that all the New Labour twats whose wicked deeds are widely known
(I might mention Blunkett, I might mention Toblerone)
Are nothing more than agents for the twat who all the time
Just controls their operations: the Chancellor of Crime!

Devil's Kitchen said...

"Did you mean paean? Or were you being extra clever since a paeon is "In quantitative verse, a foot of one long syllable and three short syllables occurring in any order", which fits the word 'Macavity' I suppose. If the latter, consider me suitably impressed :-)"

Yes, it was intended to be an aural pun, if you like. You may now be impressed...

DK