Sunday, February 25, 2007

Heaviest element described!

Found this on the UKIP West Bournemouth site.
A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 deputy neutrons, 75 assistant neutrons, and 224 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no protons or electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes a reaction to take 4 days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years.

It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time since each organisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass."

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Strnage that there no mention of one the few things that Governmential does react with: Cockroachesuptheorificium...

2 comments:

Pete in Dunbar said...

This is a variant of the nigh-on twenty-year-old original which was indeed about administratium "held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons". It's so old I have a photocopy - not a print out of a web page - of a version of it on my office wall.

Note also the mineral Bureaucratite. And the wikipedia version of Governmentium is pretty good too.

I understand that both Governmentium and Bureaucratite can be rendered harmless by the application a sufficient quantity of executium, although exposure to a beam of positively-charged minions may also be effective.

james higham said...

Very 'Strnage' indeed, DK.