Saturday, February 24, 2007

A few aphorisms for modern living

Here are a few tips for people to obey in order to avoid getting cockroaches rammed up their every orifice.
  1. Snap previews might well be the single most annoying web invention ever.

  2. Websites that make sounds or play music whilst you browse are always a fucking mistake: do this on your website and, no matter how desirable you products, I will leave immediately, OK? It's just not acceptable.

  3. Just because you can take up the whole of the tunnel, pavement or walkway does not mean that you should.

    That includes people who walk really slowly or pretty quickly: however fast you move, I promise you that I walk more swiftly. And it definitely includes you fuckers snogging as you walk along; I don't give two shits about how in love you are, just get out of my fucking way.

  4. You don't have to stand in the middle of the aisle, thus effectively blocking it, in order to look at what is on the bottom shelves. Unless you are very long-sighted, in which case get some glasses and get out of my cunting way.

  5. When you go into the pub, take your fucking rucksack off, you cunt.

  6. I know this is tautological, but don't be a corrupt, venal, incompetant, shit-stain politician.

You see, easy rules for a cockroach-free living, the Devil way...

6 comments:

Longrider said...

Fuck me! Is there some sort of thought transference going on?

You beat me to this one by three minutes...

Great minds think alike or fools seldom differ?

Shotgun said...

I'll add one:

Indicate when you are leaving the roundabout and don't leave me sitting there fucking wondering you cunt!

Unity said...

And another:

If you have a mobile phone that doubles as an MP3 player - buy a pair of fucking headphones.

Andrew Field said...

And another one for all the middle-class new mothers of London: Just because you managed the biologically necessary feat of having something stuck in you and something entirely different drop out nine months later that does not mean that it is your god given waitrose shopping right to expect anyone else in your viscinity to throw themselves out of the way of your caravan-sized buggie the moment they see it coming, without, and this is the part that really drives me insane, an IOTA of thanks. I can see you have a baby, you miserable self-important fart but I can't move any further up this bus so eat your philadelphia-covered Ryvita and sit the fuck down and shut the fucking fucky fuck up.

FlyingRodent said...

If you're listening to your iPod, turn off the ringer on your phone, because nobody wants to listen to the same ten second clip of Elvis fourteen times in three minutes.

And also, if you've downloaded a comedy ringtone of some joker shouting, I hope you don't mind if I write "Cunt" on your back with a magic marker.

Really, you were asking for it.

Mr Eugenides said...

The funniest thing in this post is the fact that you have a category labelled "death by insect".