Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Dean writes... #1

A new and exciting feature at The Kitchen is the occasional article from a shadowy figure known only as "The Dean". Enjoy!

A New Modest Proposal
For Preventing The Conservatives in England From Remaining Unknown
to Their Fellow Countrymen in the North, and For Making
Them Electable Again to The
Wider General Public.

It is a melancholy sight indeed to those of us that occasionally travel to the northernmost counties and shires of this land and see the Conservative Party in such a pitiful state there. A once great party has been forced to beggary in areas where they are now little more than the vagabonds of local politics, where their name conjures the hostility of the public, their children, and their pets. To be a Conservative in these areas is to be the most pitiful creature on God’s earth. It is to be the object of much condemnation and scorn, the plaything of every Liberal Democrat wag and Labour Party lickspittle. It is, in short, to be held in a state of perpetual suffrage, sure to turn even the most resolute party canvasser towards those unwholesome habits practiced by the members of the UK Independence Party.

I think it is agreed that the proliferate number of men and women that heap such approbation upon the poor Tory candidate make for an unhealthy condition that cannot be allowed to continue. As the political process continues to be denuded, the landscape becomes one of a single reddish hue where only the most acid of politics profit and grow. Much as a garden suffers when any single plant dominates, so too is democracy hampered by the total success of any single party in any one region. For true freedom to remain a native to our soil, the Tory tendrils need to be encouraged to find equal purchase in ground that has remained stony to it for too long. As it is the wide variety of plants that characterise the English garden, so too does a plurality of voices make the English political tradition such a rich one.

My intention is to encourage the Conservative Party to look anew at the areas of the map marked in red for at least a generation. Why should politics that engender spite and self-loathing rise about those which cherish humility, self-governance, tolerance, and a belief in the conservative values that give the human spirit its shine?

It is my belief, as an experienced wanderer in those areas of the north, that those voters found there are less likely to consider such weighty matters due to a natural imbalance in the humours of the northern tribes. A man of the north is likely to weight two to three stones greater than his counterpart in the south, while his children are more likely to be wastrels, well muscled in leg and arm, yet prone to the most complete bouts of thievery. Similarly, the female of the species displays characteristics not seen in the southern lands. An excessive bloating of the midsection gives rise to foul airs that no amount of belching seem able to rid. Babies are of course common to both communities, but those in the north are louder and have such a pallid hue that no amount of seasoning could improve their meat (for more details, see my other ‘Modest Proposal’).

The conditions, as outlined above, give rise to a natural temerity of spirit. The northern character is one that holds no fear yet habours grudges with an intensity unknown to we men of more temperate climes. Where once the men of the north would did deep pits into the earth to scrape a living from the seams of coal that underlie all of those cursed regions, they are now forced to work above ground in factories, supermarkets, and shops called ‘Poundland’ and ‘Poundsville’, where they are driven into menial jobs that bring them into contact with the public and involve the donning of many-coloured overalls in yellows and blues. Men called ‘Daz’ and ‘Kev’ are not naturally suited to customer care departments on retail parks outside Stockport or Bolton. Their blood is suited to the wielding of axes in the heat of battle or upon a coalface in the bowels of the earth.

It has been observed by this author that the blame for this pitiful condition is widely directed towards The Conservative Party. Deep hostility coupled with the natural ferocity of these people combine to convince them that they will never vote Tory unless a fundamental change takes place in the country.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

The modern Conservative Party needs to take a more enlightened approach to its countrymen in the north. Much hostility needs to be negated and it is for this reason that I propose that all campaigning should be done without the usual items of apparel with which we humans have traditionally hid out modesty. This is, I hope you agree, a most modest immodest proposal. I am convinced, in short, that the Conservatives should campaign in the nude.

Approached in their naked form, every modern Conservative, whether a Tebbit, Redwood, Letwin, or May, will finally be seen as a representative of the general population. Naked, they no longer resemble the ‘fat cats’ and ‘landed toffs’ whose image has been synonymous with the word ‘Tory’ in much of the north. Naked, the human form displays very great similarities between individuals. A pendulous stomach is considered a thing of high merit in the north. The sagging of a buttock and the flaccidity of manhood denote great virility in the playing of darts, and the hairier the legs, the more the Tory candidate will be able to blend in with females of the north for whom the hirsute thigh is of great practical benefit, preventing the harsh northern winds from chilling either the bone or the bottle of prized spirits which she keeps in the back pocket of her cheap pink cotton-fabric sweat pants.

At this point, I would like to say that these are no humble claims. I have experimented myself with this approach. Finding myself north of Birmingham on a recent trip, I found that flatulence endeared me to my hosts in a most unexpected but welcome manner. In the hands of a Tory candidate, who knows what electoral success the sudden ‘chuffing of the skank’ might have in the broader context of election success? Yet flatulence can only gain us admittance into the northern communities but it will not grant us acceptance.

For that, the Tory must cast aside all notions of embarrassment. Finding myself welcomed into one such home in the region of Runcorn, I immediate freed myself from my clothes and stood before them as God intended that I should stand as I had been brought into this world. I cannot deny that at first it received a cool or amused welcome, but after an hour or two, my nakedness had been accepted and these normally reticent people began to accept my presence amongst them. A man of the south found some favour with those of the north simply because, in his naked form, the distinctions of wealth, class, breeding, education, and privilege were gone. As one gentlemen of the shire of Manchester told me in his thick melodious accent, ‘y’got a wee pecker on y’there mate’, which I interpret to be typical of the warm greetings native to those people.

I can think of not one objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless the Conservatives decide that the price they are asked to pay for votes in the north is simply too great. However, as a man who has found some welcome among those tribes, I can say that the loyalty of such people cannot be underestimated. I do not hesitate to recommend my new modest proposal, for though the people of the north are usually drunk from anytime after ten o’clock in the morning, each one of their votes still carry a weight equivalent to a vote in the rest of the nation. Until we can remedy that situation and introduce a voting system that give proper import to the more prosperous and valued south, I recommend to the Conservative Party a plan for the north based on nudity, flatulence, and consumption of large quantities of cheap larger and warm beer.

This is, I am sure you will agree, a most modest but sensible proposal that is sure to bring electoral success.

The Dean

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry Devil where I live in the old North West the Cons do well , but all we get nuLab,nuCon ,Green's, sometimes LibDem , I only vote for Green's ,because non of the above is illegal,and we are called apathetic ,lazy.

Anonymous said...

Methinks the sign of Blind Winger Jones be evident........... Welcome back

The Aberdonian said...

Has George Galloway got a twin in the Conservative Party? This is the sort of Edwardian-style hubris we expect from the honourable member from Bagadad West.