Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Apple in The Grauniad

Charlie Brooker has written an article on Comment Is Free about how much he hates Macs and Mac users. The article is absolutely riddled with inaccuracies such as this one.
When I sit down to use a Mac, the first thing I think is, "I hate Macs", and then I think, "Why has this rubbish aspirational ornament only got one mouse button?" Losing that second mouse button feels like losing a limb.

On a Mac, you have always been able to simulate the second button by holding Control and clicking the mouse button (I know that some people have a problem with this concept but I'm a designer and holding down modifier keys is a way of life); besides, for the last few years, Macs have shipped with the Mighty Mouse which has seven programmable buttons and a rocking scroll-"wheel".

The real beauty of Apple mice, for me, is that—with the exception of the stinking, fucking "pebble mouse" (what were you thinking, Steve?)—they are very comfortable. Other mice tend to be "ergonomically designed" for fucking right-handers and they give me severe shooting pains up my arm which I reckon is probably RSI. So, I stick to Apple mice that you click with you whole hand, not with a finger.

Anyway, I digress; we are here to praise Charlie, not to bury him! Here's another choice quote from Brooker.
Macs are glorified Fisher-Price activity centres for adults; computers for scaredy cats too nervous to learn how proper computers work; computers for people who earnestly believe in feng shui.

I love it when people say things like this. I particularly love the look on their faces when you point to the amount of industry-standard software that runs on Macs (and often, only on Macs). Professional film editing: Final Cut Pro (Apple); professional film compositing: Shake (Apple); professional music editing: Logic Pro (Apple); Photoshop (Adobe: started by Apple employees) and the other DTP applications (mainly made by Adobe or, originally, Aldus (ex-Apple employees) started life on Macs.

There is, of course, always the old argument that there are no viruses because Macs have a small marketshare. Well, so does Ferrari: that doesn't mean that people don't want one.

I can only assume that Brooker's article is supposed to be vaguely humourous: if I wrote pointing out his mistakes, I am sure that he'd say something like, "Hey, lighten up, man; it was just a joke." It isn't really funny; he isn't a good enough writer. Instead, it's a tired rehash of arguments that have been doing the rounds of News and Tech fora ever since the 'net was popularised. And before then, the arguments were had in pubs.

I'm not going to get into the argument; my readers know how I feel. Every time that I am forced to use a PC (usually to fix a problem with a friend's computer), I am reminded of how much I hate Windows, and how ugly and unintuitive it is.

Besides, there is one advantage that Apples continue to hold over PCs: built-in Postscript. If you don't know what that is, don't worry about it. But let's just say that if you want to design for professional print, you really can't do without it. Macs have it built into the system: Windows doesn't.

The comment that I enjoyed most was this one, though, from JustVerifiedIt.
Windows is the only true OS, anyone caught using anything else is an infidel and should be struck down. We should all hide our women in a cave and go breed goats with our AK-47 strapped to our backs, for innovation is worthless and superficial and should not exist, and competition is an abomination that prevents us from fully enjoying our quaint lifestyles as ordained by a higher Ballmer.*

If for whatever reason we can't benefit from something, then nobody else should. It is our Gates-given duty to hate and attack all those smug heretics who have too much money to waste on first-world amenities and just love to rub our noses on how good they have it.

There's nothing wrong with our lifestyle. A good cup of yak butter tea is every bit as tasty as the high-priced Chateau Lafite swills those overachieving snobs seem to like so much. And on the off-chance that the stale fat does give you an infection there are many remedies available to get you up and running again in less than a week.

There's also no reason to strive for a luxury car when a good pair of Taliban sandals can easily get you from A to B. In fact, those overrated BMW junkheaps hold a tiny market share! If they were really any good then everyone would be driving German! That alone proves that flip flops are best.

You can even build thm yourself with scavenged trash and have almost the same user experience! (anyone who does not agree with this is stupid. If I can't tell the difference then neither can you).

All of those so called "open source" systems, like BSD or Linux should be rounded up and shot. Systems should always remain closed and mysterious to elicit the awe of the faithful.

It is not enough that we live our way and they live theirs (even if most of them have tried our way before and found it not to their liking). Everyone else shall do as we do or face our wrath. Choice is sacrilege, unless that choice is OUR choice.

"Flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."

It made me laugh and covered all the basic points, I think. Plus, of course, it'll piss off the loonier Lefties...

* Steve Ballmer is a senior Microsoft Executive.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! One of the funniest things about the comments section (as well as the article itself) is that towards the end, it is the Windows users who turn out to be the real victims!