English farmers will receive less in subsidies than those in Scotland, Wales or the rest of Europe because of the way the Government has botched agricultural reforms, David Cameron claimed yesterday.
Look, we all know that the government is so spastic that it cannot even dole out the subsidies to farmers (indeed, I believe that it is about to be fined, or even has been fined, by the EU for failing to do so); but surely farmers getting less subsidy is, generally, a god thing.
The Tory leader re-ignited the debate about devolution at the Oxford Farming Conference when it emerged that ministers had asked the European Commission to let England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland proceed with the abolition of production subsidies at different speeds.
Well, given the different economic conditions prevailing in those areas of Great Britain, then fair enough.
At the root of the problem, Mr Cameron explained, was the EU budget deal Tony Blair concluded in December 2005.
Oh, what a fucking surprise...
It allowed countries to decide for themselves whether to move money from production support to "green" farming schemes.
What, and Cameron would rather that it was done at the whim of the EU, does he? That our government should be forced to implement a policy when the EU decides that it should be done?
The agricultural side of this deal is not expected to be concluded before the summer because a majority of MEPs is thought to believe that the "greening" of the Common Agricultural Policy should not be done on a voluntary basis and the details of the regulation have yet to be published.
Fucking great. Cheers and hats off to our loyal MEPs, eh?
Mr Cameron told farmers: "The way the deal was done would hit English farmers in a particularly strong way. We don't have a 'common' policy. While support for English farming is rightly de-coupled from production, most countries in Europe still have some production support."
Officials from the Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs confirmed that the Government has asked Europe to allow it to operate the "voluntary" reforms on a different basis in Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales, instead of on a national basis as Brussels wants, because agricultural policy is devolved. England needs to move money from production support to fund green farming schemes, principally the entry-level stewardship scheme which Scotland and Wales do not have.
So what is the problem? Are we implementing this policy before everyone else? In which case, why? Is it because the government are a bunch of useless fucks? And what, precisely, would you do about it, Spam?
You see, if you think that this policy is a bad thing, then surely implementing it is stupid. Given that it is an EU Directive and we can do fuck all about it in any case, surely implementing it at the latest possible stage—if only to give the farmers the greatest possible time to adjust—would be a good thing.
But this isn't what Dave seems to be arguing: Spam seems to be saying that we should ask the EU to force everyone to change at the same time and thus, if nothing else, ceding another litte morsel of our decision-maing to the EU. God, that man's a cunt.
But worse is to come...
Peter Kendall, the president of the National Farmers Union, said: "If you stand on a hill in Wales, you can find a farmer who will be getting £600 a hectare, and over the border you will find someone getting £180. This difference is affecting the market.
"I want people to build successful farms and I do not want distortions in the market."
Nor do I. That's why we should leave the EU and abolish all of its market-distorting tariffs, quotas and subsidies. Nice to know that you agree with me, Peter.
David Miliband, the Environment Secretary, said that this difference might well be made up by green farming payments. In his speech to the conference, he said one of his priorities was to break the log-jam in Brussels and get rural development payments back on course.
Of course, David, you could try getting your payments system sorted out, your four-eyed twat, rather than blaming your stupidity and inefficiency on—the admittedly stupid and inefficient—European Union.
Officials from the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs confirmed, however, that more money could end up being taken from English farmers' subsidies than from farmers in Wales and Scotland.
Well, that's what happens when you devolve matters, you great wankers.
With the Scottish National Party gaining support before elections to the Scottish Parliament, the additional money is likely to be a bargaining counter for Labour.
Ah, so it's back to god, old electoral bribery, is it? How can they be so shameless? Oh, well, I suppose that Dave has been calling for more transparency in politics (although he doesn't seem to be doing so well at it himself, the hypocritical cunt).
Mr Cameron said the Tories would also improve labelling so consumers could identify British food. He also promised that a Conservative government would expect imported food to be produced to at least the Red Tractor standard or animal welfare standards farmers at home must meet.
Oh, dear shitting Christ; what a fucking shitpit this man is! What a dense, irritating, fuckwitted cock. Let me pass you over to Timmy to explain just why Spam is such a fucking cuntwipe full of flapsnot.
We cannot impose standards upon imports from other parts of the European Union. It's the centrepiece of the Single Market that we cannot. We also cannot impose standards upon imports from outside of the European Union, because the power to do so is held at the centre, in Brussels.
The only way that such standards could be imposed upon imports is if we left the EU itself.
Then there is also the point that this is mercantilism of the most obvious sort. It's exactly the same as insiting that imports must be produced under the same labour conditions, or environmental conditions, as we have here. Which is a very effective way of screwing those poor people who are trying to make something we'd like to buy.
Think for a moment: imagine we said that we would only buy imports from China if they had the same minimum wage as us. Bang, end of the Chinese export economy, end of the one single economic movement which has lifted more people up out of poverty in a shorter time than any other ever in history.
Can't you just feel the trade restictions strangling the ability of the poor to become richer by selling us things?
Well done Dave, that's the way to Make Poverty History!
We tried this before, back in the 1880s, when English factory standards were applied to the Indian textiles industry, something which strangled that industry at birth.
Quite so; and so we have to ask Dave a question...
There's two possibilities here. The Boy Dave © knows all of this and is simply spieling for the crowd, promising what he knows he can't (and shouldn't) deliver, which is in itself reprehensible, or he doesn't know it and is therefore an ill informed buffoon.
That right, it's the Polly Conundrum: are you fucking ignorant or are you lying through your teeth, you fucking bastard? So, what do we think, chaps? Idiot or liar?
I think that I will go with "liar" myself; there is no possible way that he, or at least one of his advisors, cannot know this stuff. For fuck's sake, if a party as small as UKIP can find someone with a Masters in International Trade to work in their press office (and head up their trade policy), then I am damned sure that the Tories can.
Mr Miliband warned farmers that by 2020 they would have to deal with methane emissions from cows, identified in a recent UN Food and Agriculture Organisation report as a greater contributor to global warming than transport emissions.
Of course, Miliband is the idiot's idiot: a man so stupid and ignorant that he makes a lobotomised chimp, kept in isolation in a tiny wee room for the entirety of its unhappy life, look like fucking Einstein—should you wish to, you can review your humble Devil's comments on him here, here, here (which was the post that David read from at The New Statesman Awards), here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here, should anyone fancy an invective retrospective. What does Miliband suggest that the farmers do: shove a cork up the cow's arses? I would love to see Miliband doing that as a photoshoot...
Officials said research had just begun to find the breeds which best converted grass into milk while producing the smallest amount of the greenhouse gas.
Yawn. Look, the whole greehouse gas thing is a pile of shit (literally, in this case): I cannot be arsed to go over it again. If you are interested, you can find information on the issue here...
For fuck's sake, we're run by fucking arseholes...
UPDATE: I would guess that Helen at EU Referendum agrees with this assessment.
Does the man not know that food labelling is an EU competence and has been for years? As we speak, a multi-annual plan for consolidating EU food labelling regulations is being rolled out. No Conservative or any other government can do anything about it. Most of it does not even go through Parliament, being EU Regulations rather than Directives.
Has the man forgotten or, come to think of it, did he ever know about the Little Red Tractor label that was supposed to signify “Assured Food Standards” but was slyly marketed by the NFU as an assurance that the food was British grown and British produced until told that it was illegal in the EU to discriminate in this way? The truth is that no food producer from any country whatsoever wanted to apply for the Little Red Tractor label and, after several relaunches, it died a peaceful death, rather like the tractor production industry in this country.
The Boy-King’s speech to the Oxford Farming Conference is full of shibboleths that were trendy a year or so ago and waffle. What it does not have is hard information. No amount of waffle about local production, the Slow Food Movement or the French not losing their link with food production (a debatable proposition) can hide the fact that the man either knows nothing or has chosen to ignore the following interesting facts: agriculture, food production (actually quite successful in this country), health and safety, labelling, environment, veterinary rules, are all EU competences.
So, idiot or liar? I will stick with "liar" myself.