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Showing posts from July, 2006
Via Chris and MatGB, I find this little test which aims to match you to the party you should vote for in the European elections. Chris says:
Unsurprisingly the best group that fits my preferences is the Europe of Democracies and Diversities (EDD) Group, which translates to voting for UKIP.
Equally unsurprisingly, I got the same. However, the test does miss out the most crucial question, i.e. should the EU should exist at all? The answer is, of course, no.

A fan writes...

A email from a fan calling himself Rotten Borough Hound:
Judging by the rapidly diminished comment count, you have had your 15 minutes of fame, DK.

Give us all a break and ride off into the sunset.

The end of your blog will be no loss to the net or society.

You foul-mouthed, arrogant, opinionated twat.
Thank you, Hound. I am happy to tell you that my visitor stats are healthier than ever: in fact, this is my first month with over 20,000 hits and more than 15,000 unique visits. Besides, what makes you think that I write this blog for the benefit of anyone else? Believe me, no one is more surprised that I at my nascent popularity. So, with all due respect, go fuck yourself.

Toodle pip!

P.S. You aren't David Miliband, are you?

Prizes for all

Via this week's Britblog Roundup, I find Diamond Geezer; the cited post is most amusing (and very true; when I was travelling regularly I contemplated many times holding a member of Scotrail's staff hostage until they turned off the fucking announcements) but, whilst scrolling down, I encountered the last day of term post.
Special thanks to Ms Jenkinson for organising our very first non-competitive Sports Day, so there'll be egg-and-spoon certificates for absolutely everybody, even those of you who are too obese to run.
This sounds utterly ridiculous but, and I shit you not, it was the last straw for my parents and they removed me from the state school that I was at. They had already been disatisfied with the progress I was making (too clever, large classes and extraordinarily bored. God, I was so fucking bored, bored, bored, bored. And when I get bored I get depressed) but that last sports day was the nail in the coffin.

Yes, aged 8, I participated in a state school Sports D…

Animal's right to suck my cock

Via Right For Scotland, I watched the Newsnight debate on animal testing this morning, and I am mildly stunned by the levels of ignorance on display. RFS sums up the programme pretty well, frankly.
Esler then asked Swampy if it was always wrong to harm animals for the good of humanity. Swampy said yes. Swampy is a bit thick, even in my sleep-deprived state I could see the follow up question coming bedecked in neon flashing lights and carrying a football rattle. “Would you experiment on a mosquito to cure malaria?” Yet more diving. Follow up two: “would you swat a malarial mosquito on your arm to protect yourself?” Olympic standard diving ensured yet no answer of any merit passed his lips.
Actually, what Swampy said was that he wouldn't swat a malarial mosquito on his arm which I think shows a level of selflessness that we can all admire. I, for one, would be happy to spend public money to send this stupid little fucker to Africa to test his answer, frankly. Oh, and since he p…
Good god, it seems that blogging really has arrived because finally the luvvie community has caught on.
... all the material used to in the play is 100% real… You never really know someone until you've seen their diary.
Naturally, the play's organisers will have contacted the author of every blog post that they use and sought the appropriate permissions, eh? Because anything else would be a totally inappropriate breach of copyright, especially for those in the arts industry.

Unless, of course, the participants have simply written a load of old arse on their own blogs and are using that. Although, of course, that would hardly be in the spirit of the thing, eh?

Fringe 2006

Well it must be time for the Edinburgh Festival Fringe again. How do I know?—is it the legions of tourists who are beginning to flood the city? Or maybe the ludicrous increase in travel prices? No, it's because festbitch is back up and running and providing sarky commentry on the Biggest corporate/luvvie whorefest Festival in the world!TM

Indeed, as The Golden Baboon has noted, right from the get-go the punters have been lashing into all of that lovely new theatre!
Jolly Fringe Maestro Paul Gudgin supposedly commented, "thousands of people are getting hold of tickets for all their favourite shows early", and the top ten certainly bears witness to that:
Danny Bhoy
Jason Byrne
Ed Byrne Standing Up and Falling
Rich Hall
Adam Hills
Bill Bailey
Paul Merton's Impro Chums
Soweto Gospel Choir
Lady Boys of Bangkok
= Jim Henson's (ADULTS) Puppet Improv
= Jump
It's good to see so many unknowns in there: it's about time that William Bailey got a break, he's been on the pub cir…

Egging them on...

The Gorse Fox points out that Ruth Kelly, as well as being a fucking lunatic who believes in her great big buddy in the sky, is a stinking hypocrite with all of the integrity of a particularly evil and devious weasel.
So, Ruth Kelly is a real champion of local democracy and fights for the local community against bad developments. Right?

Yeah, right!

In an act of breathtaking hypocrisy, she is now threatening to withold government money from councils who fail to build the houses she wants. This will push up council tax for the local residents. This is the government trying to blackmail and bully local councils in the south and ensure that local planning committees comply with the will of the soviet government. This is RK's attempt to root out objections to large scale development in an area that has too little water, transport, and space (and probably doesn't vote labour anyway, so won't cost them votes).

Interesting how this ignores the advice of the governments own (non-democ…

Toynbee gagged...

... but not, alas, universally. Via Timmy, it seems that poor old Polly has been sneakily writing columns that she shouldn't.
The Guardian has stopped star columnist Polly Toynbee writing for a charities and voluntary sector magazine, fearing competition for readers and advertisers.
For fuck's sake, Polly is a "star" columnist! The MSM must be really short of opinion piece writers if Polly Toynbee is a star columnist. She doesn't understand economics, she flagrantly falsifies her figures, she always contradicts herself at least once in every column and she engenders a near homicidal rage in many of those who read her postage stamp jottings.

But, she's a star columnist. Fucking hell.
Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger himself intervened after staffer Toynbee failed to ask permission to write her column for Haymarket charities and voluntary sector weekly, Third Sector, which started last week.

Rusbridger said that the rule was staff should not contribute to titles that…

Fraud and corruption: but where?

A source who wishes to remain anonymous—gosh, it's sounding like Guido's Place here, eh?—sends me this essay on the subject of Beeb's new "evidence" into an old police investigation.

Tonight (Wednesday 26th of July 2006) the BBC will broadcast a program reviewing the Stephen Lawrence inquiry and the fall out from it via the Macpherson report.

Lawrence was killed by a gang of men who according to eyewitnesses were all white. No one ever went to jail for the killing and an attempted private prosecution collapsed due to lack of evidence. The Government of the day commissioned Sir William Macpherson to write up the report into the case and to investigate alleged shortcomings in the investigation.

The program tonight, as trailed in the BBC as advertising masquerading as news, will make a specific allegation relating to one Det. Sgt. John Davidson.

They allege that Davidson was corrupt and that he was engaged in active protection of a particular family who’s son was a s…

Israel and MatGB

A quick reply to MatGB who left a comment on my previous Israel/Lebanon post.
I think, in many ways, you're correct. In others though, aspects of Israel's behaviour (specifically targetting known civilian convoys and Red Cross vehicles) are reprehensible.

Hizbullah are scum, and in no way can they or should they be supported (STWC is now completely hijacked by the Galloway brigade, didn't have much time for them before but after his speech at the weekend?). But deliberate attacks on civilians fleeing the area as instructed cause me to lose sympathy.

Accidentaly damage, collateral, etc? Shit happens. Deliberate attacks by, as you and MrE rightly state, has a well defined command structure accountable to a democratically elected executive?
I admit that I have not really been following things particularly closely; as I said (although, admittedly, I removed it) I have been almost constantly drunk for the last week or so, and haven't been paying attention.

There are two... well.…


No, not more Miliband. I can only echo Right For Scotland's response: what the fuck is this about?
Channel 4 is to bring mass public masturbation to the small screen.

The broadcaster - once led by Michael Grade, dubbed "pornographer in chief" by the Daily Mail - has commissioned a documentary about the UK's first "masturbate-a-thon" as part of a series of programmes dubbed "Wank week", can reveal.

In what must surely be one of the summer's more bizarre events, hundreds of people are expected to gather in a hall in central London on August 5 to pleasure themselves in aid of charity.
In the name of all that is unholy, is nothing sacred? Or, even, beyond the bounds of taste and decency?

If I want a couple to watch me wank, I'll hire a couple of fucking hookers or something; at least there might be something more interesting to do after the wangst has worn off. And, more importantly, my face won't be broadcast in the midst o…

Miliband video

Many thanks to our old friend, Master Guido Fawkes, for this little cameraphone video clip of David Miliband quoting The Kitchen.

Sadly (but not surprisingly), the sound quality is not the best but I think that the phrases "fucking nutcase" and "batshit mad" are gratifyingly audible. So, David: you go, girl!

Of course, you do know that this means that the gloves are off...

UPDATE: A very warm welcome to Guido's readers; should you be interested, you can find the post that Master Miliband quoted from here. You will note that Master Miliband quotes only the sentences that make me appear like the frothing loon that I so evidently am and conveniently misses out any references to the word "totalitarian" or, indeed, my link to the rather more measured—but considerably more devastating—Register article. He also misses the fact, in his effort to ensure that I look as close to an evil, going-behind-his-back nutjob, that I posted a comment on his blog saying effec…

Bloody students

Apparently, the repayment of student loans is becoming a problem for some.
Debt collectors are clawing back more than £100,000 a month from Scottish graduates.

The amount of money gathered in Scotland on behalf of the Student Loans Company (SLC) reached £1.26m last year.

The total amount collected from graduates who have defaulted on their repayment commitments since 2001 now stands at more than £5.3m.
This is, of course, unfortunate, but surely the students knew the terms when they took out the loans?
Fiona Hyslop, education spokeswoman for the SNP, said yesterday that it was "entirely unacceptable" for students to be burdened with debts as the price of education.

"The student loans system is financially crippling graduates and has a damaging effect on a their life chances," she said.
Umm, but I thought that the whole point was that graduates earn more because they are more highly qualified; isn't that the justification for the loans? Or can it possibly be that a deg…

More cataloguing madness

For fuck's sake, they really don't stop trying, do they? This time the excuse for trying to catalogue everybody in Britain is this:
Identification should not have been a problem, but due to the lack of a missing persons DNA database against which to check such samples, forensics experts warn it is almost impossible to match a decomposed body with someone who has disappeared. Currently even once a DNA sample has been taken it can only be checked against the criminal records database of those who have committed a crime.
The tenor of the online article is somewhat different to the one which appeared on the front page of The Herald yesterday, which very definately called for a national DNA database.

Why won't these fucking doctors—in this case it is one Dr Tim Clayton, of the Forensic Science Service—shut the fuck up? Seriously, guys, I'm sorry that you have about 300 unidentified bodies washed up every year, but that's tough: you aren't going to catalogue my DNA for …

OK, then, Israel and Lebanon

I have been a little overwhelmed by the whole Israel versus Hezbollah story and I am pretty surprised at people's negative reaction to Israel's retaliation. Well, actually, I'm not at all surprised that the usual barking moonbats have been attacking them. Due to a spate of work combined with some heavy drinking and a real lack of energy, I have not really been following the news, or blogs, for the last few days bar a glance or two at Cloisters Bar's newspapers.

I am most amused at the accusations of war-crimes being bandied about, as has the Pedant-General who has written an excellent post about this, making reference to the Geneva Convention.
7. The presence or movements of the civilian population or individual civilians shall not be used to render certain points or areas immune from military operations, in particular in attempts to shield military objectives from attacks or to shield, favour or impede military operations. The Parties to the conflict shall not direct th…
Noreen was in London recently...
And when you bit into the thing, the first mouthful was raw dough, entirely, all folded up like the side of a present, and then the second mouthful was the squashed beans all firing out of the doughy shell like tiny aborted foetuses, each one clutching a strand of shredded, long lettuce, and there was some kind of a sauce on it which I have no idea what was in it, it was like a tomato sauce but with small bits of green stuff that were both crunchy and soggy. Fucking horrible thing... it was like sucking out congealed blood from, and then chewing a corpse's cock.

David Miliband is my new best friend. Apparently.

An email correspondant alerts me to the fact that Master Miliband would appear to be cognisant of The Kitchen.
I imagine someone else might've mentioned it already (or indeed you may well have been at last night's New Statesman New Media Awards bash yourself), but in case someone hasn't, and you weren't [as is the case—DK], David Miliband, in his keynote speech, quoted your comments to/about him rather extensively, thus making you responsible for the first Minister ever to say 'batshit' in public.

And if that isn't a claim to fame, I have no idea what is...
Quite. I assume that he was referring to this post in which I accused Mr Miliband of being... er... rather less than sane. Or, of course, it could be the comment that I left on his blog...

Has anyone got a transcript or a link to a webcast or something?

UPDATE: According to Nosemonkey, I am firmly in the nutter camp.
(The fact that he quoted extensively from Devil's Kitchen's insults to him - "Tha…
You see? That's precisely what I'm talking about.

Right, time to lay into Gordo or something.
Via Clairwil, why not send in your very own postcard manifesto?

He wants to use it for some kind of project, so get sending! I think that mine will read something along the lines of:
I would like to rule the world so that:
I can help the poor to help themselves
I can smoke in the House of Commons bar
I can string up the NuLabour administration from assorted lamposts along Pall Mall
Now I'm off to find a postcard and a stamp...

Bastions of Education: Part the Millionth

A little anecdotal story for you here, about a young friend of mine who studied Classics at Oxford. This young lady, whilst proficient at coursework and other such in-term things, always got somewhat nervous and thus did rather poorly in exams.

As a result, when her Finals were approaching, her tutor called her in with a proposal. "If you let me know your exam number," said the tutor, "then I shall make sure that you get a First."

Bastions of education, ladies and gentlemen. Naturally, it made no difference that this young lady is rather pretty; the tutor was offering to cheat for her out of the pure goodness of his heart. The young lady in question, to give her her due, turned down the tutor's generous offer and eventually got a 2:1; however, she knows other people who accepted the proposal and, sure enough, Firsts all round.

Oxford, ladies and gentlemen: bastion of our Further Education establishment, where the tutors cheat for you. Now that's what I call de…

The Gobblin' King is screwed

Bad news for The One-Eyed Gobblin' King as the Beeb reports the worst June ever for the public finances.
UK public finances suffered their worst June on record, figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) show.

Government borrowing rose to £7.3bn in June from £6.2bn during the same month last year - significantly higher than analysts' forecasts of £6.5bn.

Meanwhile, the current budget deficit stood at £6.4bn, £1.7bn higher than at the same time last year.

Experts said high spending was to blame, as grants to local authorities had been paid earlier than usual.
Oh dear, oh dear. Do, please, permit me a little snigger at Gordo's expense.


OK, that was more of a gleeful guffaw but it felt really good.
Elsewhere, economic activity appeared to be fairly healthy, with consumer spending picking up and tax receipts rising 5.4% year-on-year.
Hmmm, so the private sector is picking up Gordon's tab, eh? It was ever thus...
In his recent Budget, Chancell…

I think that someone should tell Tony...

... that David Milliband has lost his fucking mind. I mean, what is this guy on? Personal carbon points?

Well, as Perry points out, it is simply another method of control.
Make no mistake, this is not about environmentalist voodoo science, it is about controlling people and this is the tool they are going to use.
But David is really enthused because he's a fucking nutcase.
In a speech to the Audit Commission last night, Mr Miliband said: "Imagine a country where carbon becomes a new currency. We carry bank cards that store both pounds and carbon points.
Wow! How about imagining a country where we already have a currency and where "green taxes" were used to restrict the use of these externalities. Oh, wait, hang on...

He really has gone bat-shit mad.

Why not read this rather detailed and yet economical deconstruction at The Register?

Exams results are a fucking joke

Via Allan, one has to applaud the comments by this teacher from "the other place"*.
Harrow School, in west London, which sets its own literacy test, found some teenagers with A* grades had a "tenuous grip" on some aspects of language use.

English teacher Tom Wickson said staff had become "increasingly concerned" at standards expected of GCSE students.

Writing in the school magazine, Mr Wickson said: "Can't spell simple words and can't punctuate a simple sentence, but can still get an A grade in GCSE English? That can't be right, can it?

"Well, yes, at Harrow we frequently find that can be the case."
But of course we mustn't bash the students who have worked so hard for their, frankly, unbelievable results. The entire system has become utterly degraded; the very fact that the A* grade exists shows that. Either something is worth an A or it is not; the system should not require that "really good A grades" are denoted …

Iain Dale loses more votes for the Tories

As some of you may have realised, I feel an increasing contempt for the Tory party. Not uncoincidentally, I also loathe the EU and all—and, yes, I do mean all—that it stands for, i.e. state control, murder and corruption. I also rather like Iain Dale and his style of writing (and, of course, I was happy to contribute a small (though rather edited) article to The Little Red Book Of New Labour Sleaze). Thus, it is with a heavy heart that I must report this answer that Iain gave to Mike Ion.
I did not vote for IDS, I voted for Ken Clarke, but I was presented with a choice of two people, neither of whom I thought would be a good leader.
No, Iain, you were presented with a choice of two people, one of whom would be a bad leader (although he spoke very eloquently on opposition to the EU in the early 90s) and a Quisling piece of shit. Given these, you voted for the traitor. Which, of course, makes you as bad as him ("Who is worse? The fool, or the fool who follows him?"). It simply c…
Look, I want to make this absolutely clear: the Scots are generally the nicest people on Earth (as long as you don't have an RP accent). They are extremely friendly (even the junkies and alckies) and are generally a lot of fun to be with.

Unfortunately they are ruled by absolute and total cunts, whose one ambition, i.e. to make themselves a power on the world stage, is doomed to failure. These rulers are, I think, the worst people in the world; I mean this completely and seriously; their frustration makes them dangerous.

They must die in agony pour encourager les autres; they are fucking scum. Illiberal, facsist shits of the very first water. Jack McConnell was a failed maths teacher, for fuck's sake.

The Scots are, mostly, a lot of fun (my biggest compliment) but they are ruled by evil shits. We are all afflicted...

Health Nazis invade Picnicland

Jack McConnell: pug-faced moron, failed teacher, fascist, adulterer and moron.

What is it that makes those in authority such total and utter bastards? It simply must be true that power corrupts, because it seems that all of our rulers seem bent on making everyone else's lives a fucking misery. Mind you, personally, I think that socialists are the very masters at this game, since their entire philosophy revolves around fascism, bent—as it is—towards forcing people to do things which they would not naturally wish to.

And, of course, foremost in this pantheon of theft and evil is Scotland's toy-town government, an organisation which is bent on making Scotland an intolerable place to live. Thus, this Herald headline comes as absolutely no surprise whatso-fucking-ever:
Call for full ban on public drinking

A ban on drinking in public places should be rolled out across the entire country, according to a working group looking at ways to control marches and parades.

The few councils that al…

Gordon's legacy

Oh, I see that The One-Eyed Gobblin King's regular shag has given birth to yet another little demon; I do wonder if they are going to call this one Damien. Even if they don't, let's face it, our Cyclopean finance-wizard is fooling nobody.

That is why, upon hearing the news, I bought another one of these:

After all, now there's another to go against the wall when the revolution comes. Or, if I may paraphrase the Emperor, if he will not turn to the right side, then he will die...!

News in briefs (well, shorts, actually)...

Apologies for the lack of posting; I have been very busy but, most importantly, being busy elsewhere than my office, i.e. my front room. But here's a few tidbits...

Lebanon: you should have made the effort to control Hezbollah when you had the chance.
Rest of the world: You acknowledge that Iran and Syria are the backers of an organisation that started this... well, let's call a spade a spade... this war. It's time to work out where you stand. Oh, yes, and acknowledge that it is patently the same bunch of bastards sponsoring—with money, weapons and expertise—the so-called "insurgency" in Iraq: I've written about this at length on a number of occasions. Anyway, Arthur (welcome back!) has some good links and roundups on this. Oh, and Mr E points out that Robert Fisk is a) wrong, and b) a tosspot. But then we knew that: it's why we call it fisking.

Indian train bombings: Now, might I suggest that the Indians take a good look at themselves, as British have done …

Britain's top political commentator

Proof, if proof were really needed, that The Devil's Kitchen is woefully behind the curve of public opinion has come to light in the form of a survey of Britain's "top 100 opinion makers" seeking the answer to a pressing question: who is Britain's top political commentator?
As you can imagine, the competition was stiff. Parris, Rawnsley, Aaronovitch, Jenkins - all got honourable mentions. But there could be only one. Yes, that's it... you're beginning to guess...

DK adds: This had better be some kind of sick joke. I mean, for fuck's sake, her...?!?

DK furtherly adds: So where was The Kitchen in this poll? Second, third...? Mr Eugenides: For the avoidance of doubt, there was no mention of The Kitchen. Damn MSM fuddy-duddies...
Well, it's predictable, but I quite enjoyed this little joke.
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed...
Although, admittedly, how much is a joke and how much is all too depressingly real is somewhat debateable...

The EU and the yoof...

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with these two pathetic excuses for human beings, here's a swift run-down...

Jack McConnell: pug-faced moron.

Jack is Scotland's First Minister. That means that he is the biggest, slimiest and most corrupt of all of the useless, trade-union activists and venal Councillors who make up Scotland's toy-town parliament. Jack thinks that he is quite cool, but actually he is a fuckwit of epic proportions: after being heavily involved in the NUS, Jack went on to become a mathematics teacher, but soon gave that up to concentrate on a career in the local Council. As such, if Jack has ever been involved in any wealth creation, it will only have been in fiddling his expense accounts. To finish off this little introduction, let me pass you onto the poor, little Greek boy (who is, despite accusations to the contrary, not one of my relations).
It would, wouldn't it? So how hard can it be to answer yes or no, you spineless, cowardly…