This is the full text of David Cameron's interview with the Devil's Kitchen, conducted by the Devil himself.
The Devil: What do you think you have achieved, you fatuous cunt?
Cameron: Well, I have brilliantly lost the support of some of the most loyal Tories around. You know, the kind of people who have supported the party through thick and thin.
I have also lost the support of all of the libertarians in the country and succeeded in making all of our candidates, who supported traditional Tory values, look like total hypocrites. Actually, it's quite funny watching them trying to reconcile their free-market, libertarian views with the direction that the party is taking. I think that this is something that we have not achieved before, or not to this extent.
I have also failed to take any significant lead in the polls, despite standing against the most illiberal, high-taxing, corrupt government since the seventies. I think that this non-achievement is something of a positive achievement actually.
The Devil: How much further has the rebranding got to go? I hate you, you know that?
Cameron: I think that the
red rosegreen tree has been really successful. It is a reminder to all those that might forget that our stance on Green issues is just as ignorant and mendacious as that of David Miliband's; it is also a reminder that we are going to ensure that the people of this country pay through the nose in support of my personal conviction in some very dodgy science.
The Devil: What would be an outdated idea? You twat.
Cameron: Oh, personal choice. Liberty: we don't believe in that anymore. [laughs] Otherwise how would we justify the massive salaries and expenses that we milk from you every year? Oh, no, wait; we do support the freedom to give ourselves our personal choice of a massive payrise and even more comfortable pension scheme.
Another outdated idea is democracy. As you know—and I don't want to bang on about the subject—but we now support the EU fully. We know damn well that it can't be reformed, but we are saying that that is what we want. But, actually, we don't really care, you see; as long as we can vote for our own pay and swan around like the lord of the sodding manor, who cares if three quarters of our laws are made by unelected Commissioners in Brussels?
The Devil: Before the last election, (when Mr Cameron was Michael Howard’s policy adviser) did you argue against giving people money to subsidise operations in the private sector? You hypocrite.
Cameron: I can't remember. I was probably coked up to the eyeballs, to be honest.
The Devil: Have you dropped all the outdated baggage now? You disgusting piece of flapsnot.
Cameron: Oh yes, we have dropped every single principle that we ever had. Even William [Hague] is pro-EU now and you can't say that that's not a big turnaround.
The Devil: Can you say more about your plan for education, you ignorant fuckwit?
Cameron: Oh yes. Less personal choice, a lot more tinkering at the sides, and the introduction of a new "A** Double Plus Good" grade for all exams, to really separate the best of the best of the best. But everyone will get a prize whether they win or not. [Eyes start to rotate wildly.]
The Devil: Do you think enough British history is taught in our schools, cuntface?
Cameron: No. Or maybe yes. But probably. Not. Er... I think that we need to teach more about how evil we were, you know. About how we started WWI, our refusal to accede to Hitler's demands in WWII, our initiation of the entire concept of slavery (which simply didn't exist before the British started it) and our invention of the concentration camp in the Boer War (because nobody had ever rounded up all of their enemies in a confined space before, ever) and the way that the British Empire did absolutely no good for any of our colonies at all. That's important, I think: we need to teach our children that people lived in a very real Utopia, without only beneficient rulers, before we invaded.
Basically, we need to teach, in a very real sense, more guilt over our history.
The Devil: Are there further areas of Labour territory you want to move into, you grasping piece of shit?
Cameron: Yes. No 10.
The Devil: You don’t mind
betrayingannoying people along the way?
Cameron: Look, if people are going to stick to outmoded concepts like principles, then we are better off without them. Polly Toynbee's invited me over to hers for port and caviar, you know.
The Devil: Some people say these are stunts to get yourself talked about. Where is the substance? Apart from up your nose.
Cameron: Oh, we haven't got any. Look, there really is very little that we can do unless the EU let us; that's why I had the secret meeting with Mr Barroso [Head of the EU Commission and all-round fat cunt] earlier in the week. I wanted to ask his permission to do a couple of bits and pieces. He said, "no".
The Devil: You never doubt the direction which you are travelling, you fucking monkey?
Cameron: No. I am very clear about the direction in which we are going. And I'll be even clearer when we help NuLabour to introduce the tracking (and charging per mile) of all cars. I'll have a pretty clear of the direction that you are travelling too.
The Devil: What kind of independence can you deliver for schools? Dickhead.
I think more independence about what sort of school, what sort of special, more decisions about land and buildings and staffing. We have got to deal with this nightmare decision about VAT where if an academy opens its doors to the local community it suddenly has to start paying VAT.Because it's an EU tax, there's absolutely fuck all we can do about VAT. [laughs] It's like that Little Britain sketch—[aside] Good cultural reference, eh? Make sure you get that in—you know? You know the one: "Barroso says, 'no'."
The Devil: Tory MPs says this plays well in the Westminster village but not with the traditional party members, you mendacious, little shit.
I don’t agree this is Westminster village stuff.I couldn't give two shits, frankly. Who cares about Sid and Doris Bonkers. Fuck 'em.
The Devil: Do you not leave yourself (by admiring Polly Toynbee images on poverty) that it is all presentation and no substance?
By saying that we should look at relative poverty and not absolute is a change for the Conservative. This is not insubstantial. But in order to do that out comes the headlines about Polly Toynbee We are not saying adopt Polly Toynbee’s policy. She is a statist, she is a Gordon Brownist.We love Polly. Did I tell you that she's invited me—to her house, no less!—for port and caviar?
The Devil: Is there not a danger that with "Hug a hoodie" and "Mr Tosser " that your serious message is being overshadowed, i.e. that you are an unprincipled shitbag.
Cameron: Oh, no; I think that "Tosser" describes us perfectly. And William occasionally wears a hoodie; his wee, baldy heid gets a mite cold when it's windy.
The Devil: What are you going to do on discipline? I bet you like a good spanking.
Cameron: Any candidate that signs up to liberty, personal freedom or the Better Off Out Campaign will be waiting a long time for a seat. Is that what you meant?
The Devil: But what are you going to do, you useless cunt?
Cameron: What Mr Barroso tells me to do.
The Devil: Will that include transferable allowances between couples?
Cameron: There are a range of possible alternatives and that is one of them. Do you think that people would elect us if we did that?
The Devil: Ve ask ze qvestions. Ho ho. Steve Hilton, your key adviser, is seen as the power behind the throne, the real deputy leader, you flaccid, vacuous excuse for a man.
Well that is just not true. Anyone who has come to our morning meeting and you have got William Hague sitting on my left and David Davis sitting on my Right, people I talk to the entire time.I talk to William and David about the best way to wash up porridge pots. Yes, Steve Hilton tells me what to do. That's his hand up my arse, making my mouth move now.
The Devil: You didn’t mention big business there. You know "business": that thing that makes us richer and pays your big, fat salary and pension? Was it a mistake not to go to the CBI?
Cameron: Let’s do the CBI first, absolutely clearly. I wanted to go to the CBI. I was looking forward to the CBI. But I was washing my cushion covers at the time.
I think we have an incredibly strong and positive message about the economy and business in this country. It is that business is fucked and we are going to fuck it even more than Gordon has. You're mine, muthafuckas. [aside] See, I can do tough too.
The Devil: Have you come back with a clearer message on Iraq?
There is no simple answer to this.No, I haven't got a fucking clue. I'm rather hoping that the whole thing might have gone away by the time I get into power.
The Devil: Should there could be a clearer view of how we pull troops out?
Cameron: Haven't got a Scooby-Doo, sorry.
The Devil: If you have known then what you know, would you still have done it?
Cameron: I voted for it. I fucked up. Just fucking leave it, okay?
The Devil: During the Queen’s speech debate Blair predicted you would be floored by a "big clunking first" - seen as a reference to Gordon Brown. Do you have a strategy for dealing with Brown - characterised as a politician of substance v one of style and image? You empty shell; fuck me, but you're a tedious bastard.
Cameron: Yeah, I'll undo him in the same way as I have unmanned Blair. I'll agree with everything that he says. And then, when I'm in power, I'll raise taxes. [puts on cod-Irish accent] Dat'll confuse 'em! [laughs]
The Devil: Labour will fight the election on security issues - not just terror but economic security, That will lead them to the "solidness" of Gordon Brown rather than Cameron and Osborne, the shadow Chancellor, the new kids on the block?
Cameron: We have to defeat them on these grounds. I don’t think that is difficult. We'll just be even more illiberal. Look, I've already said that we are ditching the idea of liberty and personal freedom; we are just covering old ground now.
The Devil: Plans for a reshuffle? Like putting some people with actual fucking conservative values in your Shadow Cabinet, you overbearing, massive-foreheaded cunt?
Cameron: I have had a small reshuffle of the junior front bench ranks. Promoting some of the young talent, Shailesh Vara and Maria Miller. They are completely useless, but it looks good because they are women. I'm a bit scared of ladies you know. I think that I am intimidated by their... you know... their... hem hem. Look, do you know: is it true that women's vaginas have teeth in them and they can bite your cock off?
The Devil: [reaches over, slaps SpamCam's massive forehead and shouts "Spam!"] No, you dolt. Anyway... Some in the party think you should appoint a figure like John Prescott to reassure the party faithful that you are not going too far - much in the way that Prescott has acted for Tony Blair over New Labour’s reforms.
Cameron: Look, we don't need a Prescott. We already have his bases covered: I am completely useless, and William has knackers the size of coconuts. He's probably balls-deep in his one of his researchers right now, whilst Ffion sits on William's face. And David [Davies] plays a mean game of croquet.
You see? We're a team. We don't need just one person to be a Prescott.
The Devil: Have you made any mistakes over the past year? Apart from pissing me right off, of course.
Cameron: Yes, loads. Hundreds. Possibly thousands.
The Devil: What? I mean seriously, what the fuck are you playing at?
Cameron: I am far too much of a politician to tell you. But just look at the number of the Tory faithful deserting us!
The Devil: The photograph of the shoes following in the official car behind you on your bicycle? You massive hypocrite, you.
Cameron: Yes, Definitely. But that was a mistake by accident. Honest. Oh, and I made a mistake in not parading my spastic child all over the front page after that; the wee guy can dribble really pathetically. Gordon definitely stole a march on me there.
The Devil: Do you feel you can balance all your family and political commitments? You dickhead.
Cameron: The family? Fuck 'em. Pain in the arse. The wife's always nagging me: well, you saw the porridge pot incident. And the children are, frankly, both disgusting and the milkman's. I've never done it with a woman. Have you? What's it like?
The Devil: As you have a disabled child, have you any messages of support for Gordon Brown - who has just announced their young son Fraser has cystic fibrosis? (Cameron’s son Ivan is severely disabled with cerebral palsy. Although Ivan counts having Cameron as his father as a greater affliction.)
Cameron: It must be awful. But good media job the other day, in The Sun. You have to respect a man who's willing to use his child's debilitating illness to deflect bad news.
The Devil: Do you have an affinity with Gordon Brown - at least on this issue? As well as on the issue of taxing people into poverty.
Cameron: Yeah; we're considering swapping for a week. Maybe even make it into a reality TV show, you know. They've had Wife Swap and stuff; why not Spastic Child Swap? Or Media Opportunity Swap?
The Devil: Are you sending a message of support, you sycophantic media whore?
Cameron: Ooh, that's a good idea! Do you think that would play well with the press, yeah? OK! I am about to put pen to paper now.
The Devil: How are your relations with the US and the Bush White House. There are reports today that Blair got nothing in return for his support for the Iraq war. Are you equally spineless?
Cameron: The US Administration have no idea who I am. Bush has to be reminded of who Blair is, most of the time. But one can hardly blame the US for acting in their country's best interests. I mean, if we British politicians had any balls, we'd do the same.
The Devil: Has your first year been tougher than you thought? I really, really hate you.
Cameron: I'm having a fucking riot.
The Devil: But you let your Right-wing critics get to you? You know, those tedious libertarians that you hate so much.
Cameron: No. I just call them "cranks and gadflies", "fruitcakes and closet racists." Look, I've told you, we have ditched the whole libertarian thing and we think that UKIP are nutjobs for believing in it. As for all those libertarian bloggers... well... they can go fuck themselves too.
The Devil: But you get angry? Because, let me tell you, you get me climbing the walls in rage, you utter fucking sod.
Cameron: The Valium helps. I steal it off my wife.
The Devil: So the Cameron
bloody coup d'etat followed by the disappearance of all those who believe in libertyrevolution will continue?
Cameron: Yes. We are doing really well at stealing the Left ground from NuLabour and we intend to continue that. Anyway, Mr Barroso won't let me do anything else: it's Social Democrat or nothing.
The Devil: Looking back do you see yourself as a Disraeli figure? [laughs hysterically]
Cameron: I am not falling for that trap. I am not fit to polish the boots he wore.
The Devil: You're fucking right there, by the way. Do you hope to go to Washington and see George W Bush?
Cameron: I definitely want to go, but as Mr Bush has no idea who I am, I can't see it happening soon.
The Devil: Will you resign as leader if you don’t win the next election? Please say "yes", you contemptable man.
Cameron: I am not contemplating defeat.
The Devil: Was going into Baghdad on the helicopter the scariest thing you have done? Apart from your wedding night, obviously.
Cameron: No. Look, are you sure that women's... minnie moo's don't have teeth? 'Cos I found that idea pretty scary. Oh, right, Iraq. No: it was fascinating. You are in the helicopter with the doors open and two machine guns. You are so busy thinking about what’s going on below you and looking into people’s homes, like the nosey bastard that I am. There wasn’t time. Magnets used in toys, jewellery and office equipment may pose a serious risk to patients fitted with pacemakers and other heart implants, according to researchers.
[END OF THE INTERVIEW: by the way, those last two lines are, apparently, a genuine response. What the fuck is he talking about? Is he on drugs or what?]
I know, I keep banging on about what a fucktard SpamCam is, but have I mentioned that you can join UKIP online...?