MPs' pay: are you surprised?

I have long opined that we should, in fact, pay MPs less than we do now for, if they are having to spend the bulk of their time earning a living, then they would have less time to screw the rest of us throguh piss awful legislation. It is because we pay politicians so much that they can afford to swan around the House of Commons bar (subsidised by the taxpayers), thinking up new means of making our lives a little more miserable.

So you can imagine how your humble Devil greeted this news, eh?

MPs are pressing for a pay increase to push their salaries to £100,000, an increase of 66%.

Backbenchers have written to the independent body that sets salaries seeking a rise from the current £60,277 to achieve parity with GPs and council chief executives.

Such a hike would push up the cost to the taxpayer of the annual salary bill of the House of Commons from £39m to £65m and may trigger a public backlash. The party leaders, however, are likely to urge restraint.

In an attempt to limit bad publicity, Labour MPs have been encouraged to write to the Senior Salaries Review Body (SSRB) individually, rather than formulate a collective submission. The Tories have made a submission through the 1922 committee of backbenchers.

Many Tory and Labour MPs have written individually to the SSRB pressing for £100,000, arguing that they work as hard and carry as much responsibility as top civil servants. The deadline for submissions is next Friday.

Just fuck off would you? Go away and fuck yourselves to death, go on. Top civil servants shouldn't be paid £100k either; they should all be sacked, the cunts.

Look, you bunch of arseholes, you get a really good salary and you get a disgustingly generous, and unaffordable, pension scheme; that's the pay off, OK? You—and I'm talking to both MPs and those lazy, sick, fuckarse civil servants here—get a pension scheme that the rest of us could never afford in our wildest dreams and that's why you get paid less. That's the trade-off: do you understand?

But this is, of course, typical. Whenever politicians get a massive fucking payrise (and we had this argument when the MSPs gave themselves a disgustingly large rise), they always whine about how their pay is pegged to that of civil servants and there is absolutely nothing that they can do about it, guv.

This is, demonstrably, a lie; here they all are, lobbying the SSRB (who they, effectively, pay) asking for £100,000 a year (and commensurate pension). I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, FUCK OFF!

It also complains that, since 2002, MPs’ pay has increased far more slowly than average earnings and has failed to keep pace with the retail price index. However, MPs claimed an average of £131,000 in allowances in the past year.

An average of £131,000 in allowances. Fucking hellski! Look, you avaricious fuckers, that is effectively part of your salary as well, OK? None of the rest of us get to claim fucking allowances for living, working and breathing: we just get paid a salary. Do you understand, you bastard bastard bastards? Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off.

Shit, I find myself momentarily unmanned: i am unable to think of any words bad enough for these cunts.

Sir John Pocketfill Butterfill, a senior Tory MP, who contributed to the 1922 committee submission, said: “There are a lot of unhappy bunnies. The main issue is the degree to which MPs’ salaries have fallen behind other public servants.

Yes, that's true. Unfortunately, since the average Total Cunt Quotient has risen in the House over the last decade or so, the salaries have been lowered. It's because you are all total cunts. See? And you claim £131,000 in allowances! We are effectively paying you £190,000 a year: do you get that? Nearly 200 fucking grand! Do you think that other public servants claim £131,000 worth of expenses every year? Do you? And do you really think that you are worth £190,000 a year? Because none of the rest of us—here in the real world struggling under the taxes which you bastards happily impose on us to pay fro your profligate lifestyles—think that you are. Why don't you just fuck off and die, die, die.

“Over the years we have been downgraded and compared to junior directors of middle-sized companies at the last review [in 2004] but, even so, we have failed to keep up. There is no point in having a review body that chooses comparators then doesn’t keep us up with them.”

He said it was not for MPs to decide what jobs were comparable but added: “Not that many years ago, we were on a par with GPs and heads of comprehensive schools. They are now on £100,000.”

One Tory backbencher said pay should “nudge six figures” while a senior Labour backbencher said: “There is no difference between the parties on this.”

Well, what a surprise. There's no difference between the parties on anything, including the idea that we taxpayers should be forced to pay for the cunting parties. The politicians are really very keen on the rest of us paying for them, aren't they? Well, isn't that a fucking surprise? When your snouts at the bottom of the trough, just call for a deeper trough, eh?

That's why these fuckers are all so happy with Britain being in the EU. The MPs don't have to take any decisions, and yet still get to pocket vast amounts of cash, the grasping, greedy fucktards that they are.

I'll pass you over to my impecunious Greek friend (who came and saw my thespian antics last night: cheers, matey!) for the lowdown.

Sir Bufton Tufton is correct. It really is scandalous that our elected representatives are so poorly remunerated for their 160 days' work [PDF] every year. Not only should they be paid more, but on Fridays they should be transported back to their constituencies with great pomp and dignity on litters carried by lucky constituents randomly selected from the national ID database, with cheering crowds lining their routes and a train of elephants and peacocks following in their wake. Once back among their people, they should be sent the fairest virgins of the town to give them oral pleasure (non-virgins may be suitable substitutes for Essex MPs) and their bedchambers strewn with rose petals to ensure a sound and restful night.

Even these modest proposals would hardly constitute proper recognition for their selfless public service, but they would be a powerful reminder to our masters of the gratitude and quiet goodwill that millions of us bear in our hearts.

God, I hate those fuckers so, so much.