Chuckles apologises profusely
Prime Minister Tony Blair has said he feels "deep sorrow" for Britain's role in the slave trade.
Really, Toni. Are you also really sorry for our role in bringing the trade to an end, you twat?
In an article for the New Nation newspaper, the prime minister said it had been "profoundly shameful".
Well, yes, by today's standards. Back then it was something that everybody did, not least the Arabs and the Africans.
Let me just fucking remind you, Blair, you pin-head moron, that the Africans were pretty fucking far away from being the noble savages that fucktards like you imagine them to have been. Lest we forget, the African tribes were constantly fighting each other and it was traditional that the defeated tribe were taken as slaves.
When the white man came with his beads and, more importantly, guns, the enterprising African leaders were more than happy to exchange slaves for such trinkets. After all, with guns they could conquor other tribes far more effectively and so easily get more slaves. The slave trade could never have happened on the scale that it did were it not for the complicity of the Africans themselves.
For fuck's sake, they are still doing it!
But Mr Blair stopped short of issuing a full apology, which some commentators have demanded.
Well, "some commenters" can, frankly, suck my cock.
Where are the commentators calling for the cruelty and oppression of left-handed people, eh? Where is the apology to those who had their left arms tied behind their backs and forced to write with their right hands? Where is the apology for the beatings doled out to those who were supposedly tainted by the devil?
If he is going to apologise for slavery, I demand an apology, on behalf of all left-handed people, for Britain's role in the oppression of my kind (actually, I'm surprised that Rowan Williams hasn't apologised yet, on behalf of the Church of England). I might even use the No.10 Petition Service to demand apology and reparations!
The government is reportedly setting out its plans for next year's bicentenary of the abolition of the slave trade.
Yup, the abolition led and enforced by... Oh, would that be Britain then? I think it might be...
Esther Stanford, of the Pan African Reparation Coalition, said all countries that had ever been involved in slavery should give a full apology.
"An apology is just the start - words mean nothing," she told BBC News.
Naturally. Can you guess what's coming next?
"We're talking about an apology of substance which would then be followed by various reparative measures including financial compensation."
Well, that was a surprise, wasn't it, eh? You want free money? Well, knock me down with a fucking feather!
Tell you what, Esther; how about this? The African people show that they can actually spend the money responsibly, and we'll think about it. Amongst other things, you might like to explain where the net £54billion that the rest of the world donated to Africa in 2004 ended up. You might like to explain why, when Britain gave £14 million of aid to Burundi in 2005, the king of Burundi spent £9 million on maintaining his palaces and harem.
You might also like to explain why—when the rest of the world (and mainly those who benefitted from "the slave trade") has given hundreds of billions of pounds to Africa, almost all of which has been pissed up the wall—you think that we should give one single penny more.
I'm waiting, Esther. Hello? Hello, are you there?
She said: "If we do not deal with this now it is tantamount to saying that you can commit crimes against humanity, against African people and get away with it."
Come on, Esther: be fair. These days we leave the committing of "crimes against humanity, against African people" and the getting away with it to the Africans, so we're learning. Well, to be frank, what we are learning is that the Africans are far better at being stupid, profligate, wasteful, cruel and miles better at fucking up their own people than we could ever be.
And don't fucking whine at me about the exploitative Empire; the success of India simply blows that argument out of the water. Africa's natural resources were discovered and exploited by the Empire, yes. But we also left those resources—the gold and diamond mines (and the rest)—in working order when we left.
All the R & D had been done: all the Africans had to do was to exploit their natural resources, and the technology that we brought them, sit back and get rich. They have signally failed to do so.
Instead the various leaders have massacred their people (often for financial gain: Idi Amin, I'll looking at you and your "ghost-finders") or simply each other; stolen the land and starve their people; started wars to gain territory when they cannot even manage what they already have; fail to instigate any decent rule of law or develop any trade or infrastructure. The Africans have brilliantly turned almost the entire continent into a disease-ridden fucking basketcase, which swallows billions of pounds every fucking year.
And then you moan about the fucking debt repayments: in 2004, those debt repayments were £10 billion out of an aid budget of £65 billion. So, shut the fuck up, will you? You will not get one fucking penny in reparations until you can prove to us that you won't simply flush the money down the fucking toilet in exactly the same way that you have with the rest of the currency that we have thrown at you.
Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott has been drawing up ideas for the 25 March anniversary, including the possibility of a "statement of regret" for Britain's involvement.
And how much is this little lot going to cost, eh?
He has already ruled out a formal apology.
Mr Blair said: "It is hard to believe what would now be a crime against humanity was legal at the time.
Yeah, well, history never has been your strong point, eh, Toni?
"I believe the bicentenary offers us a chance not just to say how profoundly shameful the slave trade was - how we condemn its existence utterly and praise those who fought for its abolition - but also to express our deep sorrow that it could ever have happened and rejoice at the better times we live in today."
Well, some of us. Mainly the slaves who were brought to the shores of the developed nations: yup, they live in better times. The rest of them are still busy indulging their ignorant tribal beliefs or eagerly killing each other.
The statement is due to appear in New Nation, a newspaper aimed at the black community, on Monday.
I might have fucking known that it would be yet more PR posturing.
Culture minister David Lammy said that he "did not want to get into a blame fest" but wanted next year's events to celebrate the people who abolished the trade and commemorate those who died.
Well, isn't that noble...
"In Tony Blair's statement today he recognises that there is a legacy from this period of history in Africa and that there is a legacy in relation to black people living here in Britain."
And you are eager for their votes, eh?
He stressed that the Labour Party had always focused on equality and would continue to fight against modern slavery.
Ah, is that so? So you will be withholding aid to any African countries, such as the Sudan, that still practise slavery, will you? Good idea.
"Tony Blair has gone further than any other leader of any western democracy," Mr Lammy said.
Yes, yes, he has gone a lot further. At least in emulating the African leaders by turning this country into a fucking basketcase too.
"He has struck the right balance between providing for the future, commemorating the past and moving forward as a multi-ethnic nation."
Oh, fuck off, you posturing cunt. It might have escaped your notice that this is Britain; that is our ethnicity. I mean, even Trevor Phillips, head of the CRE, admitted that the multi-culti attitude has failed.
Activist Paul Stephenson told the BBC: "The prime minister could have gone further, but nevertheless it is a step in the right direction."
You can fuck off and all, Paul.
Richard Dowden, director of the British Royal African Society, said the bicentenary would be a chance for Britons to "acknowledge slavery as part of their history".
Oh, goody. Will the Arabs and Africans be doing the same?
"This happened at a time when Britain was becoming the Britain that we have today," he said.
"It was the beginning of the industrial revolution, it was when Britain began to rule the world and many of our national heroes were deeply implicated in it.
"Nelson, for example, called the abolitionist movement a damnable doctrine - he fought to protect the slave trade."
Oh, well, times change, eh? To try to implicate Nelson as some kind of hideous bastard by the light of today's undertstanding is utterly anachronistic.
A written ministerial statement to Parliament is expected this week, setting out the government's commemoration plans.
And a completely spurious guesstimate of its cost as well, no doubt.
In February, the Church of England General Synod voted to apologise to the descendants of victims of the slave trade.
Why? They have a far better life than the ones who were left behind. Oh, and where's the apology (and, hey!, why not: the reparations to) the left-handed people and their descendants, eh? Anyone fancy signing that petition?
Blair really is a cock. A stinking, cheesy one at that...