However, needs must when the Devil drives, so let's dive right in...
There is no longer any doubt: Brown will be the next PM
Not if I get to him first...
After yesterday's speech it is clear the chancellor will not join history's long list of greatest leaders we never had
Ach, I want to vomit! Polly's close now: the object of her desire will soon attain his desire and surely... surely... he must be able to spare an inch or two for his No 1 fan?
Great conference speeches are monstrous occasions, telling us nothing much about leadership potential. It is an archaic form of communication - music played on forgotten instruments in long-dead keys, heard by none but a few political aficionados in the hall.
Yup, and no one's likely to slow hand-clap you, eh?
The great public sees an odd-looking clip or two on the news and relies on the verdict of others. Yet it is a terrible viva that any contender must pass - and pass Gordon Brown did. If not quite magna cum laude, it had them standing in acknowledgment that it must be him, he has no rival - though some crossed their fingers that all would be well.
Look, Polly poppet, if he can't graduate magna cum laude amongst the fucking party faithful, what chance do you think that he has amongst the general electorate, only 27% of which (down from 36%) now think that he would make a good PM?
This wasn't Tony Blair or Bill Clinton, modern geniuses in the art. But then consider the chasm between Clinton charm and Clinton legacy. The requisite toe-curling moments about Brown's parental values were OK.
Ah, Polly, in your (love)sick mind, the Gobblin' King can do no wrong, can he?
"As a quite private person," he said - and so let him be. He told obligatory untruths about himself and Blair; despite Cherie's "that's a lie" grenade the words had an echo of some parallel truth about that odd relationship.
What? You mean that Toni and Gordo both lie through their teeth at every opportunity?
But dark and brooding are his natural trademark.
Really? I'm sorry, I mistook it for humourless and boring. So sorry about that, Pol.
However, he ticked every box, nodded to all interests, left hostages to none. It fell a bit flat, light on ballooning rhetoric and heavy on content.
Ah, it's that famous Toynbee contradiction! He ticked all the boxes except, apparently, the ones marked "interesting" or "charismatic").
But the weight of it fell where most Labour people are, with more massive spending on Labour's first promises - education, opportunity and aspiration.
In the name of all that's unholy, you dippy, fucking bitch, is that the best he could do? Hosing down the public services with yet more of our fucking cash? That hasn't worked for the last nine years, for god's sake; it isn't going to work now. Did he have any other ideas?
But whatever he said, the great questions remain until he steps inside No 10. He will lead from what his people call "the progressive centre", soothing middle England, yet believing what Cameron knows: the middle is progressive now.
What the fuck does this mean? What the fuck is anything you say? The middle is progressive? In what way?
How does one progress, precisely, you bird-brained, nympho? Progressive means moving forward, making... well... progress. I haven;t seen much of that as yet; the public services are still a shambles, despite receiving record levels of funding and Gordo is still pissing over half a trillion quid of our money away every year.
Progressive would be allowing the poor to keep their money, instead of making them beg for some of it back; progressive would mean freeing the NHS from the state so that it can treat more patients better. Need I go on (you all know my views)?
Control freak no more, he will democratise and decentralise (maybe).
No: what he will do is ensure that there is an "independent" body to take the flack when it all goes tits-up.
On policy, he touched every New Labour nerve but left not wiggle-room but wide corridors between the lines on all the hot issues. He is a reformer - who isn't? But listen with antennae tuned and he has left Trident, nuclear power, the privatisation of NHS functions and business ownership of academies to decide in detail as he pleases later on. We do not know what he really thinks.
We don't know if he actually thinks; he's a fucking chimp. Which makes you a monkey-fucker.
But never mind these delicately choreographed positions.
Delicate? Choreographed? Has anyone else got a hideous image of Brown in a pink, spandex leotard and lace tutu, doing balet exercises on his tippy-toes...?
No, I didn't think so: Polly's just getting carried away again.
Only consider how little of what Blair eventually did could have been predicted in 1997, even by him. That is why in the end it is character that matters. In power stuff happens. That is why it is not frivolous journalism to emphasise the nature of the man.
Aye, but you fucking love it an' all, don't you, Polly?
Tell you what though; I am starting to feel fond of Brown too. No, no, I'm not kidding!
Apparently, the fucker's been holding me and my fortunes hostage for so long that—despite being repeatedly raped up the arse and my delicate anal membranes shredded by his stubby, Scottish cock—I've developed Stockholm syndrome.
"Character, experience, principle" - that is his platform.
Ah, yes, I can see the slogans now!
- The Character of Smaug with a hangover, finding out that someone has pinched a bit of his treasure hoard.
- The Experience of shafting us and screwing everything else: he's pretty confident that he can carry on doing it.
PrinciplePrincipal: the original amount of a capital on which interest is calculated because he's still trying to get his hands on that.
I can't wait...
The question his party and voters will decide is: does he have those qualities and are they enough?
No and no.
Do they counterbalance his faults?
Human failings loom larger in politicians subjected to daily assault from enemies out to exploit every weakness.
Yeah, they do tend to be exploited by us "enemies"; how dare we demand value for money!
But we know the worst of him already; we did so long before Charles Clarke regurgitated the bitterness of old battles he fought over ID cards and university fees.
We know the worst? I severely doubt it, frankly. Just let him get his grubby paws on the top job and get a placeman in at the Treasury (or keep the job for himself?) and we'll see that there's quite a lot more.
Brown will inherit a battered Labour, low in the polls, low in trust, miserably low in two wars; a party jaded in the public eye after a painfully long and rancorous handover. That means the character of the man and trust in his government matter above all in his early days. What should he do?
I refer you to my earlier answer.
So, how about The Gobblin' King covering himself in petrol, collecting the tax personally, setting himself on fire and then attempting to piss on himself to put it out?
Seems a fair end as far as I am concerned. The we can indulge in sutti and burn Polly too...
What he must not do is make Blair's mistake of suggesting that he and his party had to be "purer than pure". He's not. No one is. Politics is a dirty business and a reputation for probity is hard earned, not boasted. Yet he needs to be a rock of honesty and personal parsimony, expecting his team to live as he does.
Yup, contradiction spotters: it's another one! No one is pure, especially in politics but Gordon must be honest and everyone will fall into line behind him; that;s so sweet! I shouldn't think the last will come difficult; like many people, he's parsinomious with his cash but ever so generous with ours. I hate you.
He should eschew the glamour and the cool...
Well, that's not exactly going to be difficult, is it? I mean, I don't know about anyone else, but in this Devil's humble opinion—hopelessly uncool though I am—Gordo is hardly the epitome of style and glamour, frankly.
... impose a sterner code to stop ex-ministers and advisers cashing in on the private sector to sell services back to their old departments, and keep management consultants out of almost everywhere: a small and outrageously expensive cartel have a corrupting grip.
Yes, and their money is about the only fucking thing keeping the Labour Party even vaguely solvent, so that's not likely, is it? Come on, Polly, get your chequebook out and help in this great endeavour.
He should also clean up party funding at once - even if the taxpayer has to bite the bullet on public funding as a lesser evil.
I'm sorry—what? Taxpayer funded parties? Oh, that's worked really well at keeping European politics clean, hasn't it? Over to Allan here, I think.
Fuck. Right. Off. If you think for one minute I will sit back and allow my tax money to fund a morally bankrupt shower of twats then you are sadly deluded. A lesser evil? As far as I’m concerned, any political party who cannot control their own finances should not be allowed to control mine. Don’t even get me started on the issue of funding other parties. Parties that I wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire.
If Labour are skint, they should tighten their belts and spend less. Maybe that idea is just too radical for Polly.
Yup, far too radical by half.
The Power commission found the formula: every voter should designate on their ballot paper who gets their share of the general contribution - maybe £3. They might send the money to smaller parties they don't vote for, and it would create an added incentive to vote.
Really. For fuck;s sake, get your fucking hands off my cash, will you? In the name of all that is unholy, you are a fucking cunt, aren't you? Who decides the level that each taxpayer gives, eh? Would it be... oh... the politicians? I think that it might be.
Look, we elect people and pay them to run the government. We do not elect them to belonbg to political parties and nor should we pay for them to form parties; just because this is how it has worked out is irrelevent.
Brown promises a constitutional convention - not before time. It must be bold on the Lords.
In other words, you want the Lords, who have done such a good job of telling Gordo, Blair and his cronies to stick the most illiberal bits of legislation up their fucking jacksies, to be neutered. Go fuck youself, Pol.
His good idea this week has been devolving within Whitehall - at last creating a sensible divide between the board (ministers) setting the direction and the executive (trained professionals) running things. But his commission must be bravest of all on the disgrace of the electoral system for both councils and parliament. Labour rules on the mandate of just a quarter of the electorate.
Yup, that is, indeed, a disgrace. So, naturally, Labour will be redrawing the boundaries in order to make it more fair...? Ha! Don't make me laugh!
Or are you proposing PR? When Labour are likely to lose out there too? These cunts will do anything to hold onto power, the bastards.
There is no reason not to start by introducing the alternative vote right away - giving voters the right to place their preferences in 1,2,3 order instead of an X. It needs no boundary change, no break between MPs and constituencies, but it gives voters a chance to choose their favoured party first, without fear of letting their least favoured in. Small parties suddenly have a chance, and people can express what they really want instead of holding their nose against what they fear.
You want to introduce Single Transferable Voting, do you, Pol. Have you ever done STV? We use it in all of our elections in the student theatre and no one can ever get it right twice. It takes years to count the bloody things.
Jack Straw, Charles Clarke and Alan Milburn are among diverse recent alternative-vote converts.
Oh, well, that fills me with fucking confidence, that does.
He should do these things - quickly. They can only be done in the first flush of power. Choice and devolution are hollow offers without choice for voters.
Erm, hang on, Polly; you are saying that Gordo should rush through some fairly major measures—a massive change in the system of voting, yet more change to our Upper House, public funding of political parties—without any mandate from the electorate? Are you being serious?
Do you have any concept of democracy, Polly? These are major fucking changes and I really think that if Brown wants to make them then he should go to the polls and ask the public—you, know, those ones who are going to have to stump up the cash for the parties to fritter away, whose last bastion against this fascist government you propose removing and whose very system of voting in our rulers you want to fuck about with—and see if they actually want him to do these things, don't you? Fuck me, but you are a dribbling sack of cum-stained, pus-riddled malevolence, aren't you? Or is this the tertiary syphilis kicking in? I think we should be told before your nose falls off.
His new green passion is a good symbol of character and integrity.
Really? So, when Cameron bleats about being "green" he is just mouthing platitudes to get the voters onside, but when your big, Norse warrior does it, it is a "symbol of character and integrity"? Jesus, women, do you even read the drivel that you write, or do you just vomit onto a piece of foolscap and hand it in to your editor?
Politicians have sunk in respect, especially among the young, as the public know their leaders know climate change matters most, yet dare do nothing that risks votes. The first party offering the toughest remedy may earn most trust; Cameron's "green can be painless" message will be mocked.
Actually, I think that it will be welcomed because it can be and it is. Polly, your buddies's Environment Minister—a man responsible for making policy on the matter—seems to be totally unaware of what is going on in the field of green energy production, being stupidly unaware that wave installations have been contributing power since 2000 (because, of course, they are being investigated and provided by private companies rather than your precious state). And you trust these fucks to know anything?
Even so, character and brain is not enough. Roy Jenkins was a great man, great thinker, great writer - right about most things, visionary and ahead of his time.
For fuck's sake...
But he was a useless leader of the SDP. All those other greatest-leaders-we-never-had, from Crosland and Healey to Butler and Heseltine, remain just that. They might have been disasters, who knows?
They probably would have been: I mean, fucking Heseltine? You'll be banging on about Foot and Kinnock next...
So we can't know about Brown. Polls are no guide: voters have no idea either how he will be as his own man.
Ah, so all those polls just don't matter because the voters are all ignorant; ah, yes, thank you, Polly. I think that I see the light now.
But in stature, record, conviction, principle and brain there is no other contender, apart from the young ones on the future horizon.
Talk about hedging your bets, eh? Polly says, "there is no one apart from Brown apart from the ones that might not be Brown". Got that?
And record? Don't make me fucking laugh.
(Will Brown learn the Blair lesson, and not overstay?) But yesterday removed any doubt: it will be Brown and we shall see.
Right, that's it, I'm backing Reid, just so that, in her despair, Polly might top herself, the evil cow. After all, as Guido points out, Brown is hardly going to be someone to unite the party, is he?
[Hutton] famously told Nick Robinson that "Brown would be a fucking disastrous PM".
And I have to say that I agree. But how about letting us vote on it, Pol, eh?
All together now: "god, I hate you, Polly."