Fears were growing for the health of Patricia Hewitt, a women so deluded and stupid that doctors have concluded that it can only be caused by some sort of new head cancer, maybe caused by mobile phones or something. Doctors say that they are unsure as they have not met anyone with such an advanced case of what they are calling "mental fucking retardation", or Patricia hewittitis, before.
"It's uncanny," said one concerned doctor, yesterday. "We suspect that the condition may also be affecting Pat's optical nerves, as she seems utterly unable to believe the evidence of her eyes. Given that, there's probably something wrong with her ears too. And she's certainly a fucking mental case."
When asked if "fucking mental case" was a medical term, the doctor replied that they had not decided on the nomenclature yet, but commented that Patricia Hewitt was already synonymous with "patronising piece of shit" and may be upgraded to "fucking mental case" in the near future.
It seems that giving Patricia a MMR scan might be the only way to say for sure whether she has some sort of head cancer and doctors would like to get her scanned as soon as possible. "Unfortunately," said one, "The cuts in the number of staff mean that we won't be able to book her onto the waiting list for the waiting list until some time in 2008. By which time, it may well be too late." He then strolled away, whistling, and grinning to himself.
Patricia Hewitt has been given a number of ultra-sound kickings by Dr Crippen, who has been monitoring her condition for some months. He was unavailable for comment at this time, but a statement is expected from him at any moment.
In the meantime, a Greek gentleman by the name of Mr Eugenides helpfully pointed our reporter in the direction of this article, which shows how mentally crippled and paranoid Patricia has become.
The Conservatives are deliberately trying to undermine public confidence in the NHS, the health secretary has claimed.
Patricia Hewitt said she "did not recognise" Tory predictions of 25,000 NHS job losses as a result of the current financial crisis, which is expected to see the health service's deficit reach £800m.
Despite the repeated announcements of job cuts by NHS Trusts, Pat utterly refuses to recognise that these cuts exist. "The Tories have used an evil magic, known as arithmatic, to pluck these figures out of the air, " she said this morning. She then went on to say that there were, in fact, no job cuts and actually the NHS was growing. And, anyway, if there were any job cuts then they wouldn't affect services.
"When the figures come out for the last 12 months, we will see further increases, I suspect over about 30,000 more staff in the NHS," she said.
When we asked why—if a Health Trust could cut 1,000 jobs and not affect services—those staff had been employed in the first place, Patricia called us "all a bunch of cunts" and stormed out.
However, a surgeon working in the NHS, Greg Hopkinson, thought that it was pretty obvious that the job cuts would affect services.
Hopkinson was astounded when he heard Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt tell Radio 4's Today programme last week that the funding cuts and job losses would not affect patient care, and that the Trust was in trouble because it had 'taken on too much work'. The entire hospital was consumed with anger.
'We just sat there and asked ourselves if she'd ever been in a hospital, if she had any idea of all the extra things we do, week in and week out, to keep the place running,' he said. 'What kind of fantasy land is she living in if she imagines you can lose one-seventh of your staff and for a hospital to remain on its feet?'
He may or may not have gone on to tell our reporter that "she is a fucking demon with the mental agility of a lobotomised grapefruit" but, if he did, it is a sentiment that we can wholeheartedly endorse.
This has been the Devil, reporting for The Kitchen, on the fact that Patricia Hewitt is a fucking retard. It's good night from me, and good night from Pat's last few remaining brain cells. Good night...